Freedom from the 700 Club Countdown!

[Ready4Change]

Glory Hallejulah! Praise Be to Pat! My stay in the 700 Club has been a blessed time, a joyful time.

Frankly, it's been HELL! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

Just 5 more to go!

[Ready4Change]

1. 4 to go!

I will not donate to Pat, I must resist, I'm almost there.

Arrrrrr! (I grab hold of the choir boy robes I've been forced to wear over the last 96 posts. They begin to tear...)

Anger rising! Rage building! Skin turning greeeeeeeenn......!

[Ready4Change]

2. 3 to go!

Ready4Change slams the door shut. "The Jehovahs! They've tracked me down at last! I must escape!"

(dramatic music starts.)

Ready4Change runs to his back door "Aaiiiiieeeee!" Televangelists fill the backyard, running like rabid pumas towards the door. Ready4Change locks that door, then runs down into the basement.

"Yarhhhgg!" gurgle the Evangelical Christian zombies as they rip through the basement floor. "Have yoooooo acceptedsss the llloooord Jesssssussss asssss yoooor perssssonalll..."

Ready4Change scrambles back up the basement steps, locking the stairway door at the top, then continues up the steps to the second floor. He looks out the bedroom window.

The yard around his house is a nightmare. Tents of redemption and healing are being pitched. Stages have been raised, with harpers selling snake oil and thumping bibles. People with crosses around their necks and vacant eyes stumble forward, promising to grant salvation with their torches and their pitch forks.

Ready4Change climbs out the window, grabs the rain gutter and lifts himself onto the roof. "Help! Help"

In the distance is the faint thump of helicopter blades...

[TheMightyFavog]

4. And suddenley an old UH-34 piloted by a man..

...Wearing a DU T-shirt, a woodland camo BDU, and a black leather baseball cap flew towards the house, hovered over Ready4Chance and dropped a rope ladder.


"Grab the ladder now!" said the man over the chopper's PA System. "There's not much time!"

[Ready4Change]

6. FREEDOM!

Ready4Change leaps and grabs the ladder, which almost twists out of his grasp. As he violently whiplashes beneath the Sikorsky's downwash (Dang JC, where'd you dig that beast up?) one shoe flies off and falls to the throng.

"Behold his shoe! A Sign! A Sign!..."

Their demented chants fade into the distance as the helicopter swoops away from the tumult of the 700 Club below. Ready4Change struggles for a better hold on the ladder, then begins to climb. He finally reaches the top and climbs aboard, helped by various other DU'ers in a mix of jeans, tshirts, tie dyes and flight coveralls. He then steps up to the cockpit and leans in to yell at the pilot over the sound of the engine.

"Nice rescue JonathanChance. I owe you one!"

[Ready4Change]

3. 2 to go!

"Bush's rating have never been higher, despite the pounding his administration has recieved during the 911 hearings..."

click

"Yet another country has announced it is withdrawing it's troops from Iraq..."

click

"Clarke and O'Niell are nothing more than disgruntled former employees. Oh sure they've served mutliple administrations well, and we were happy to have them on our teams, but all they are trying to do is sell their books. They have absolutely no credibility whatsoever..."

click

"It's all Clintons fault! He was too busy having affairs with interns to do his job, which was to move Heaven and Earth to stop the terrorists! It's all HIS fault!..."

click. Gotta be something better on somewhere... click

[Ready4Change]

5. 1 to go!

Irresponsible Energy Policy
Irresponsible Environmental Policy
Irresponsible Economic Policy
Irresponsible Foreign Policy
Removal of Constitutional Freedoms
War on Mistated Pretenses
Misappropriation of War Funds
Refusal to Release Public Documents
Refusal to Testify Under Oath concerning the Death of 3,000 Americans
Insistence on presubmitted press conference questions
Outing a CIA agents identity, then hindering investigations of that action.
Failure to investigate anthrax deliveries to Representatives on Capital Hill.

Best I can say is that this administration is thorough.