How the Grinch Stole Freedom

[meganmonkey]

With credit to a new DUer, Jeffersons Ghost. I asked for permission but haven't waited long enough to get it :P

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE FREEDOM

Every Free
Down in Free-ville
Liked Freedom a lot...
But the Grinch,
Who ruled oil, in Texas
Did NOT!
The Grinch hated Freedom!
and the whole Constitution!
Don't ask why he supports Bill of Rights Resolution.
It could be that he never got screwed just quite right.
It could be, while pregnant, his mom drank to get tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his brain was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His brain or disease,
He stood on the Hill, hating the Frees,
Staring down from the White House, with a sour Grinchy face
At the warm hearts below, of the whole human race.
For he knew every Free, in that big Free-ville nation
Was busy at work, to pay for vacation.
"And they're driving their cars!" he sighed with a moan.
"But after election, they’ll all sit at home!"
Then he growled, with his grinch-fingers nervously thumping,
"I MUST jack up fuel. They need a good humping!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...
...in a TV debate
He’d have to face issues that just wouldn’t wait!
And then! Oh, the truth! Oh, the TRUTH! TRUTH! TRUTH! TRUTH!
He’d never told it once, at least not since his youth!
Then the Frees, young and old, would sit down for TV.
And they'd listen! And they'd watch!
And they'd SEE! SEE! SEE! SEE!
They’d find out his sick brain, was as small as a pea
Which made Grinch wish his mom, had drunk only tea!
And THEN
They'd do something, he hated most from afar!
Every Free down in Free-ville, would head for their car,
and they’d open the doors, those Frees sure were striving.
Then they’d crank them all up and the Frees would start driving!
They'd drive! And they'd drive!
AND they'd DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!
And the more the Grinch thought of the Fast-Driving-Frees…
The more he slumped into Grinch mental disease.
"Why for fifty-three years I've put up with this sin!
I MUST stop this Free-driving!
...But WHEN?"
Then he got a symptom!
An awful symptom!
THE GRINCH
GOT AN AWFULLY GREEDY BRAIN SYMPTOM!
"I know just what to do!" That Grinch was a mess.
As he decided to fool um in Christian-Cross-Dress!
He made a Christian-Claus hat and coat from our Flag.
Then he chuckled, while thinking of going in drag!
"With this coat and this hat, I'll earn their esteem!”
Is a nightmare in drag the American Dream?
"All I need is minorities, in some high places..."
The Grinch looked for brown or even black faces.
”Hmmm,” mulled the Grinch, “there’s that maid in my house.”
But she seems too feisty and I need a mouse
Did that stop the old Grinch...?
No! The Grinch simply said,
"If I can't find a minority, I'll make one instead!"
So he called Condoleezza. She came from the south
With a horn in the tooth-space, right in her mouth!
He knew with that horn, he’d control what she’d say
Unlike the black General, he’d made go away
THEN
He loaded his oil stocks
In some old empty sacks
And sent them to Houston
With no paper tracks.
As the Grinch blamed the Moslems, while making smart cracks…
Oil prices rose and the economy went down.
And you’d think those Frees would run him from town.
National debt went way up, which the Grinch found quite funny
But he tricked them again by printing more money!
All the Frees seemed asleep. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Frees dreamt American Dreams without care
How’d he get in the White House? Well, it wasn’t quite fair.
"This is stop number one," that Grinch Cross-Dresser hissed
And he snuck to their car, with a can in his fist.
Then slid in the siphon, a rather tight pinch.
But if gas thieves could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got gas in his mouth, for a moment or so.
But he knew without gas those cars wouldn’t go!
Then he went to a church, where cars parked in a row.
"These Christians," he grinned, "are too dumb to know!"
Then he slurped and slunk, with a smile most insane,
And sucked on his siphon, like Free candy-cane!
Toyotas and Dodges! Chevys and Fords!
There’s been no worse crime, since Huns ran in hoards!
He filled all his cans, in a manner quite stern
And lit up a match but the stuff wouldn’t burn!
Then called on his phone, while starting to frown
In Houston, they said “it’s too watered down!”
He knew low octane was real cheap to make.
And kept right on trying, while screaming “Petes sake!”
Then an idea arose, in his mind like a boil.
"I’ll go inside NOW and steal heating oil!"
The Grinch grabbed their supply, and started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Free!
Little Cindy-Lee Free, who was not more than three.
The Grinch had been caught by this little Free daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, "Christian Claus, why,
"Why are you taking our heating oil? WHY?"
You know, Grinch wasn’t smart but still oh-so-slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Christian lied,
"This oil will only light up on one side.
"So I'm recalling it back to Houston, my dear.
"I'll fix it up there. Then I'll bring it back here."
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent he to bed.
And when Cindy-Lee Free went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the fireplace to light their oil right up!
Then the last thing he saw, way down the Free-hall
Was a framed Constitution, which hung from the wall
He set fire to the parchment, that nasty old liar.
But while it was burning, the Grinch caught on fire!
Unlike cheap gas, crap burns pretty well
Maybe that con would soon sear in Grinch-Hell!
Then
He did the same thing
Although singed to a cinder
Leaving every car empty
He even stole a fender!

And as sleepy-head Frees, all slept in their bed
He packed the High Court, without using his head
It was quarter past dawn... a good time to snooze
As he loaded the Court, with Nazis on booze…
All unadorned crooks, no ribbons or wrappings!
No tags or tinsel! No trimmings or trappings!
He’d raise fuel prices, as high as Mount Crumpit,
Then call his stock-broker and tell him to dump it!
"He, he, he on Free-Orleans!" he was grinch-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out soon that relief is not coming!”
"They're waking up now! I know how they'll be!”
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or three…”
"Then, the Frees down in Free-ville will all cry WE SEE!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Grinch,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Grinch put a hand to his ear…
Then he turned on his grinch-nuke-tronic-eavesdrop.
Yeah, he’d stretch the law, when there wasn’t a cop…
But he HAD to hear all of those Free-hearts go pop!
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
The sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Free-ville!
The Grinch popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Free down in Free-ville, the tall and the small,
Was finally free-thinking… with no Rights at all!
He HADN'T stopped Freedom from coming!
IT CAME!
All other dictators would soon learn the same!
And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without a war! It came with no pact!
"It came without changing The Patriot Act!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Freedom," he thought, doesn't hang in a frame…
"Maybe Freedom...perhaps...is a much bigger game!"
And what happened then...?
Well...in Free-ville they say
That the Grinch's small brain
Finally wandered away!
And the minute his head didn't feel so up-tight…
He hid like Bin Laden, from the bright morning light…
And he lied like Saddam, right up to his trial!
And he...
...HE HIMSELF...!
Plead insanity, with a smile!


http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=104&topic_id=5667278&mesg_id=5667368

[converted_democrat]

1. K&R....That's really quite brilliant..........n/t

[meganmonkey]

2. Kick!

[rhino47]

3. Good Stuff

:kick:

[Jeffersons Ghost]

4. BTW

For all you last minute shoppers, no one needs my permission to use this as a Christmas email but you may want to check with Dr. Suess. ;-)

[meganmonkey]

5. One more kick

I know it's long, but it's so good! C'mon attention spans...

[carolinalady]

6. very creative-nominated for the holiday.

[Jeffersons Ghost]

7. I hope a moderator can help....

Im new at this and not sure how to start threads... maybe someone can start one for me... Here's another parody I wrote last week... In midst of what appears to be a controlled media that only offers distraction from real issues, I've decided to take poetic license with my own little fictional news story. Maybe this much shorter story will get more reads than my long (but better) "How the Grinch Stole Freedom" story... Here's how it goes:

In the wake of Iraqi elections, President Bush announced a multi-level plan to begin withdrawing troops from the region. According to White House sources, however, Iraq must become truly safe for all religions, especially the three people in the country that want Iraq to become a Christian state. According to Bush, the three Christians represent a growing underground movement that boasts up to 37 believers in the “faith of freedom.”

When asked about the loss of freedom in America resulting from the USA Patriot Act, Bush quoted Janis Joplin saying, “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” He went on to add, “The poor from New Orleans are now finally free and we want impoverished people in other states to enjoy that same kind of freedom.” Unlike in New Orleans, Bush will deploy military units in other areas to achieve his goal of a “Joplin type of freedom” for all. According to Condoleezza Rice, “The brilliant new plan to reduce taxes on people making in excess of 750 thousand dollars a year while increasing taxes on the poor and middle class will create economic incentives to expedite this new definition of freedom. When asked about her unusual first name, the Secretary of State suggested that she was named for the Italian musical “con dolcezza” which means “sweetness.” Linguists are still debating the topic. Several authorities on language claim her first name more closely translates into “hand puppet” while another school of thought suggests the name is a Hebrew derivative of “Oreo Cookie.”

In response to Democrat criticism that the current administration has never offered concise plans for doing anything, Bush is consolidating his approaches on a variety of issues, calling his plan “Total Freedom.” First, according to the president, “We must make the whole of the Middle East free and safe for Christianity, which will likely include a massive troop deployment into Iran.” “Next,” said Bush, “we will gradually reassign the units serving in the Middle East to posts in or near the national forests as we begin to chop away all this troublesome timber to ‘free’ up the land for development.” These military units will be under strict orders to shoot anyone who even resembles a “tree hugging terrorist.” Bush claims, “tree huggers aren’t very patriotic and generally don’t believe in God.” The president went on to say, “Wild animals aren’t patriotic or Christian either, so troops will be ordered to shoot all of them too.” The Bush plan includes a seven-step program for the eradication of over 1,000 wild species. According to the president, “the best way to remove a species from the endangered list is to remove it from the planet, which will ‘free’ these critters from the worries of life.”

Critics of the Bush plan claim the current term of administration will end long before any troops leave Iraq. The President, however, states that “while the Clinton scandal proves that voters don’t approve of a president screwing around, Americans still like a good screwing.” Bush went on to say, “the Bush family tree has enough branches to keep ‘freely’ screwing America for many years to come. Florida governor Jeb Bush could not be asked if he would seek the Republican nomination for president because he was vacationing again with his brother at the ranch.

Ultimately, Bush does not want history to show his administration was the most divisive force in America since the Civil War. In a final statement of his Total Freedom plan, the president said, “Most of all we want to free Americans from debate. Instead of worrying over whether it’s a Red or Blue state, in the next election, my party intends to create fifty police states, which will free TV from reporting the news. After all, it’s television that drives America and it needs to be free of political dissension and citizens need to be ‘free’ to think about God and stuff like that, instead of wasting their time in a voting booth.”

[meganmonkey]

8. Regarding starting a thread -

You need to make a few more regular response posts before you can start threads. Not a lot, I don't know the exact number but it isn't very high. Once you get enough posts racked up, you can click on the icon at the top of the forums that says "POST" - it is about halfway across the line of icons - has a picture of a pencil. Make sure you are in the forum you want to put it in (like General Discussion).

I love your writing, btw - very funny and smart. You should see if the Onion is hiring writers!

:toast:

[Jeffersons Ghost]

9. thanks megan

While I no longer write for profit, The Onion has always been a favorite of mine. I appreciate all the compliments offered by you folks but in all fairness, "brilliant" creativity isn't so hard when you're standing on the back of a giant like Theodor Seuss. My only hope is that I offer a positive moral and readers a chance to smile, as Seuss did in much of his brilliance. :-)