Rape Victims--speak out. No Flames. No Hate. No Offense

[Heddi]

A while ago, Noiretblu started a thread for women who had abortions or those who have dealt with others who had abortions. Tell the story behind the story. Put a human face on an issue that's often talked about in platitudes and random "those people".

I'd like to take a bold step and say let's do the same thing about rape.

I don't want any flames. I don't want any arguing. No Mysogony or anti-male.

This should be positive. Cathartic. Put a human face to such tragedy. Show other DU'ers that we're not anonymous faces hidden behind blue blots on the TV screen with no names, no family, no emotions.

I'll go first.

I was 11 when my mother's boyfriend moved in with us. She met him while he was serving a sentence for sexual assault and battery on another woman. He said he was set up. She believed it.

She dated him for a few years and then he got out and moved in with us and immediately started in on me.

At first he was just really really affectionate. Liked to hug alot. ALOT. Long hugs. Sometimes when he hugged me he would just rub all over my body. Not touching anything. Now, I realize at the time he had an erection. At that time, I had no idea. I do know that I was creeped out though. In fact, I never liked him from the get-go.

After a few months of excessive hugging and always asking me to sit on his lap, or lay on the couch with him, he started making more moves on me. He'd accidentally walk into the bathroom when I was undressing or taking a shower. He'd accidentally walk in on me in my bedroom when I was changing clothes.

He started sneaking in my room at night when I was sleeping. Once, I woke up as he was taking off my underwear. I ran into the hallway and screamed at my mother "tell him to give me back my underwear". She made no comment. She didn't say a thing.

A few nights later, I woke up and he was crawling into bed with me. Again, I went into my mother's room and told her he was trying to get into my bed. He said it was because my mother was snoring and coudn't sleep. My mom said nothing. did nothing.

That was when I started taping my door shut at night. I had a huge roll of silver electrical tape and I would tape my door shut at night. At least then I could hear him coming in.

My mom found out about me taping the door shut. She said I was ruining the door jambs and peeling the paint. She took away my roll of tape and grounded me for a week.

he kept coming in my room at night.

One day I was at home from school sick. I hated getting sick and that winter I had a really bad cold that came and went for a few months. I hated getting sick because then I'd have to stay home with him. We didn't have a phone and all of our neighbors were gone during the day. It was just me and him. I'd do my best to stay in my room all day long but sometimes I"d have to come out to pee or eat. And he'd corner me then. Say suggestive things. Touch me. Fondle me. I'd go back in my room and sit there til my mom came home. I'd not say anything. It didn't do any good anyway.

THen he started "accidentally" leaving porn tapes in the VCR for me to see. Once I watched one---childhood curiosity. He watched me watching it and confronted me the next day. He suggested we watch it together. That it would teach me alot of things about adulthood and what adults do. He started licking my leg. I left the room. He said if I didn't watch it with him he'd tell my mom and I"d get in trouble. So I sat on the couch staring at the floor while he sat beside me, masturbating to porn, rubbing my leg.

It escalated from there in ways I don't feel like getting into right now.

It escalated until I told my mother. She didn't believe me. She took me to the police. She said I'd go to jail for lying. I told the police. They had his record pulled up and he had several convictions for child rape and adult rape from the time he was about 15 or so. THey sent me in for a rape exam, but since I hadn't been raped within the past 24 hours, and since he insisted on using a condom, they didn't find anything.

As I was in the room with the Doctor (male), a police officer (male) stood in the corner. He asked the doctor if I seemed loose. The doctor noted that there was vaginal and rectal scarring, but that while it could have come from rape, it just as easily could have come from "vigorous masturbation" or a reaction to laundry soap.

When it was over, the police officer threw my clothes on my stomach (I was still in stirrups) and said to get dressed immediately, that they had some things to talk to me about.

I was questioned for a few hours. Why hadn't I told them that I was masturbating one time when he walked in on me? How long had I been masturbating? How often? Why did I do that? How many other boys was I having sex with?

A while later, weeks...who knows....a prosecutor got in touch with my mother. THey wanted to file charges against the rapist. I went in for another exam and another round of questions. No semen was found. no pubic hairs. Just vaginal tears and rectal tears that could have easily have come from a difficult bowel movement. Or a zucchini shoved in my rectum.

He never went to trial. He continued to violate me under the nose of my mother. He continued to violate children of various ages in our neighborhood.

He went to jail for assaulting another woman, and again, he was set up and forced to plead guilty. He was sentenced to 6 years in prison. I was thankful. My mother stood by his side and swore her allegiance to him. I knew that by the time he got out, I'd be in college or at least living away from home.

But after about 4 years, he got out early. I was still living at home, and he was quite happy to see me once he got back.

He continued to rape me and other children. Was eventually caught molesting a mentally retarded boy who went to my school. His sister knew me, and knew that the rapist lived with me. The night after the rapist was arrested, my house was set on fire by friends of the sister. Minimal damage, but within 2 weeks I dropped out of school. I was blamed for this boy's attack. I was just as guilty as the rapist for some reason.

The rapist went back to jail and was out a short time later, living with us again. My mother believed in him, but didn't like that he was always walking kids in the neighborhood to and from school.

Finally, one day, the rapist tried to attack my mother. That was it for her. He was obviously a danger---to her. Not to me. He was never a danger to me because I was lying. I was jealous of the best lover she ever had. He was such a good fucker, she'd tell me. I wonder if she ever tasted me on him when he was doing her after he did me.

No one believed me. I was shunned by family. I was a troubled girl. The police didn't believe me, and the prosecutor did but didn't have any evidence. My mother didn't believe me and still today refers to him as "potentially dangerous". I won't allow his name to be spoken in my house. He's referred to as the Molestor or The Rapist. His name will never be uttered from my lips again.

Luckily for him all of his sexual assault charges and child sexual assault charges were made and finalized before a Sex Offender Registry or Three Strikes Law was created. He's on no list. No one can be warned about him. I frequently check lists of sex offenders in various states to see if he shows up. He hasn't yet, although I don't believe he's stopped his wicked ways.

For many years I didn't talk about my rape. I didn't talk about my past. I treated it like I had any other childhood. Normal. I blocked it out (This is NOT to say that I have "repressed memories"). I pretended it never happened. I'm not a rape victim. I was a virgin. Innocent. No one knew.

But then I got tired of it. I got tired of not being able to talk about my experience the same way that I could talk about getting into an auto accident, or having to go to the ER for a broken wrist.

what happened to me happened to far too many children. Had I been believed nearly 16 years ago, COUNTLESS children could have been spared the brutal reality of childhood sexual abuse. Did they make it out okay? Are any of them offenders because of their past? Did any of them succumb to the violent cycle that often follows child victims? Prostitution? Promiscuity? Drug Use? Abusive Relationships?

I could be silent no more. I will be ashamed no more. That rape was no more my fault than is the colour of my hair or eyes. I could have prevented no more than I can prevent the sun from rising and setting every day.

I'm not ashamed. I'm not quiet. I"m not going to stop telling my story because it makes someone uncomfortable.

One in Four women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lives. Just because they don't tell you doesn't mean it didn't happen. We are your wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, neighbors. We are your fathers, husbands, sons, brothers, friends. We are real. We are out there, and we are NOT all lying. We are NOT all delusional. We are NOT all out to smear the name of an innocent man/woman.

We will not be silenced anymore.

[slinkerwink]

1. a kick for an amazing post!

[gollygee]

2. I'm luckily one of the three in four

But I wanted to tell you that I'm terribly sorry you ever had to go through that nightmare. As a mother, I absolutely can't imagine your mother ignoring it. I'm just so sorry. And I am awed by you bravery. It couldn't have been easy to type out.

[Heddi]

4. Thank you

My mother and I have a good relationship, believe it or not. She was a single parent and aside from this incident (albeit a long, drawn-out incident) she's a great parent. I sometimes (not always) can see that as a single parent, here's a guy who's putting food on the table and giving you a stable life for once and your kid's syaing he's raping her? She's a co-dependent and has been in one abusive relationship after another.

I understand that while what she DIDN'T do in the situation wasn't for my best interest, I think that she, in her own strange way, had my best interests in mind. She wanted me to have a stable life and not live in poverty and I think in her mind, if she didn't believe it was happeneing then it wasn't happening.

But then, she too was a victim of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of a family member. A family member I was allowed to be around throughout my childhood, unsupervised, and I didn't find out about her abuse until many years later, when I was an adult. Unless it happened when I was a young child and have no memory of it, I was not abused by this family member at any point, nor did I ever have any creepy experiences with him either.

The things that happened in my childhood remain unsaid between us. I have alot of anger and alot of things I'd like to say to her about it, but it wouldn't do me any good. I'd say alot of things that I really don't mean, or don't mean in the way they'd come out, and as much as I was hurt by her inaction, I can't bring intentional pain upon someone else, no matter how much I feel they deserve it.

I think that she sometimes think I've forgiven her for her inaction. I haven't because she's never asked for forgiveness. All I'd need to hear is an "i'm sorry" and I'll say "alright". Since I turned out pretty normal and well-adjusted I think sometimes she assumes that I've forgiven her. That I'm okay with it. That's not the case and I'll never be okay with it.

I'm able to love her despite her faults, but still feel the pain of her inaction every day of my life. She is my mother, and unbelievably, she's done far more good, and been the most positive role model I could have ever asked for. I do love her dearly.

[Cheswick2.0]

12. I hope eventually you will be able to tell your mother how you still feel

and she will be able to see how she failed you. Then I hope she is strong enough to face and ask for your forgiveness.

[maveric]

17. Sorry, but your mother is just as guilty as he is.

She obviously had her priorities, and you werent nessesarily one of them.

[truthspeaker]

53. He preyed on her low self-esteem

She was so vulnerable she would rather have a boyfriend who rapes her daughter than no man at all.

[qanda]

3. My experience does not even come close to that

I was a 21 year old virgin and was raped by a guy I knew in college. I never pressed charges, I almost never talk about it-- not even my mother knows, and the pain of being violated is greater than I can possibly explain.

[Heddi]

5. Your pain is the same as mine

THe details are just that. Details. The pain is the same and I thank you for being forward with your story. It is very difficult to talk about this, and the only person in my life who knows (and believes me) is my husband.

Yes, the pain is greater than explanation can afford, and I thank you for sharing your story. I really do.

[qanda]

7. That you Heddi

:hug:

[qwertyMike]

6. Kick

[liberalitch]

8. I am very sorry that you had to live through this...

...but live through this you did.
Telling people is a huge step... BUT, and I know this from the experience of someone close to me, as long as you have not dealt with your mother you will never be free. Have you?
YOu must have thought you had been a bad child some how.... blessyourheart.
She failed you in her one and only responsibility.... She allowed to happen the thing that even a wild animal would not let happen someone to hurt their young.
Poisonous snakes use thier venom, rapists/ molesters rape/molest.... What was her excuse?

[shrike]

9. Stranger rape

I was jumped and abducted while on a walk after dark in a very nice neighborhood. Got out alive obviously. They never caught the guy.

Could never bring myself to tell my father. He died without knowing. Never told a single family member. My husband knows. He's the only one.

[kerry-is-my-prez]

10. I've been attacked about 4 times but luckily was old enough and strong

enough to fight them off. If I had been younger I probably wouldn't have been able to fight them off. It was quite frightening.

I count myself lucky.

[BloodyWilliam]

11. If I ever knew of that, if I ever knew of someone who did things like that

I would honestly kill them. I would take them apart with whatever painful methods I could find and I would fucking kill them.

I'm so sorry about what happened, and what you had to go through. There's a lot of stigma attached to rape, and there's a lot of controversy about who should be given the benefit of the doubt in such cases- the victim or the accused. That's why it's so damn hard to be a liberal when it comes to the law. Innocent until proven guilty has its own problems. This horrible shit happens, or innocent men get sent to jail.

That's all beside the point, though. All I really wanted to say is that if I ever knew of that, if I ever was absolutely certain of a rapist, of a horrible abuser like that, I would kill them. I would hurt them, I would break them, and I would kill them.

And I wouldn't fucking regret it.

(I know this might seem disturbing, but rapists hold an exceedingly cold, acidic place in my heart. I have had no experience with them, but for some reason this is one of the topics that puts me into true, pure, honest rage. I hope this sort of post isn't objectionable to the point of getting deleted or me getting banned.)

[Eloriel]

21. Just so you know, William

The incidences of false reports from either children or adults is absurdly low -- something like 2% or less. Given the fact that most perps never even get arrested, let alone tried and convicted (again, conviction ratio to rapes is absurdly low), I frankly don't think you need to spend TOO much time or energy worrying about either false accusations or false convictions.

[BloodyWilliam]

27. I realize that, but it's still a concern.

Being a liberal is being damned if you do, damned if you don't. As long as anyone is falsely reported, it must remain a concern. As the old addage goes, a conservative would let a hundred innocent men rot in jail so one guilty man won't go free. A liberal would let a hundred guilty men free so one innocent man won't rot in jail. (Please don't flame this statement- it's just an old saying, and I'm not saying it's anything more than hyperbole).

It's not really a huge issue at the moment, because I'm not aware of any sexual abuse happening to anyone around me. So I'm not ready to pick up a tire iron just yet.

[Eloriel]

107. I think you're being a conservative

in your adherence to your little rule. I would hope that you'd look at this from a more REALISTIC point of view, realistic in terms of the actual stats, realistic in terms of the "common sense rule" I mention in my post just below, realistic in terms of how many perps are never even arrested let alone charge, realistic in terms of how many rapes and child sexual abuse cases are never even reported, realistic in terms of the human and societal costs when the vicious cycle continues. Do you realize that just about all rapists are serial rapists? Same with child abusers.

It's not that I think our justice system is so perfect -- it ain't, and I despair over that regularly. But when women and children allege sexual assault, you (and they, and SOCIETY, not to mention other potential victims) are far better off if the women and children are believed.

You personally lose nothing by tending to believe the victims first. THEY lose everything when they are not believed, and society loses big time too. If you EVER have access to any child who alleges sexual victimization, you owe it to that child -- whehter your own or someone else's -- to BELIEVE him or her. They just don't make this shit up.

[truthspeaker]

126. Listening, taking seriously, supporting, and investigating are as good as

believing.

False accusations are a real but very, very small problem. They are also about the only thing keeping me from supporting the death penalty for rape.

You were out of line to call him a conservative.

[RobinA]

61. Where Does Your

2% number come from? I seriously doubt that it is this low.

[Eloriel]

106. Google it. You can see for yourself.

The number comes from DoJ stats. The number for children's "false allegations" is really about 3% or under, and that comes from professionals in the field.

It's not that it NEVER happens, but that it's just highly unlikely. Any suspicion of HIGH false allegations charges doesn't pass the common sense test: look what women go through ? It's such hell that many rapes go totally unreported. Why isn't anyone worried about THAT??

And children just don't have the frame of reference to make stuff up. (Yes, they can be coached, but most of the time are not, AND the younger they are, the less successful any coaching is because it breaks down when the questioning gets a little more complex -- like starting with the 2nd question.)

I mentioned that I'd worked as a child advocate. One of my little charges had been sexually abused and she accused both parents and several others (drugs involved). She was 3 at the time. Think she made it up? Hardly. Think that her acting out (sexually HIGHLY precocious behavior -- which is what caused her foster parents to be suspicious about sexual abuse in the first place) was something she dreamed up? Hardly. My "under 3%" for her age group came from her highly skilled and trained specialist therapist, quoted from whatever studies she had access to.

BELIEVE the children. BELIEVE women. Too much additional damage to other potential women and children victims is enabled when we don't. And as I said: most abused children (whether abused sexually, physically and/or emotionally) grow up to either be victimizers themselves, or horribly messed up people. That cost is way too high.

[Eloriel]

13. Oh, Heddi

There just aren't any words to express my feelings. I volunteered for a while as a child advocate in my county's juvenile legal system. I finally had to quit -- the laws just don't support children sufficiently. (And yet, it's a conundrum -- we don't want the state taking children away because the parent(s) aren't "good ENOUGH," but an awful lot of abuse happens under that standard still.)

While fortunately the laws and attitudes on the part of law enforcement are better now than they were when you were a child experiencing this horror, it still doesn't work all that well.

AND, as you so clearly point out -- that means the vicious cycle will continue. Abused children will grow up to be abusers or have children of their own who will be abused, or become thoroughly dysfunctional people involved with the legal system through drug or alcohol addiction, prostitution, or just be unable to be productive adults with healthy relationships. Or all of the above.

Not to make this too partisan, but that was one of the reasons I was such a strong supporter of Howard Dean -- his remarkable program for the children of Vermont, which cut child abuse by 43% and child sexual abuse by 70+%. It's so simple: early intervention to help the parents get what THEY need to be good parents. It costs Vermont $100 a year per child. What do these other societal ills cost in comparison?? Far, far more than that, and the cost in terms of personal human misery is incalculable.

Thanks for your powerful post.

[mandyky]

14. At 13 I was molested by an uncle,

I only told my parents after I became an adult and my Dad had gone hunting with the uncle and stopped by my house with him. I later told my dad to never bring that man around me or my kids again. And why.

I also was raped several times as an adult, by aquaintances, and I often wondered if the one incident did not do something to my trust radar when it came to men.

I remember seeing that Elizabeth Montgomery movie about rape, probably when I was a teenager and made up my mind after watching that I would never report such a thing to the police because they just make it all your fault.

However, my brother-in-law (ex) molested my daughter and the state troopers were really good with her (she was only 3), but the idiot only got six months of weekends in jail. My sister divorced him, as they had just had a baby daughter and she no longer trusted him with their child.

Sexual abuse sucks, BIG time!

My sympathies go out to anyone who shares this horrible experience.

[jdj]

113. thank you SO MUCH for sharing this.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, but I was so relieved to hear your sister was one of the few women who actually put her child first. I hope as women gain more and more economic freedom, more women will choose to put the child first and the husband out the door.

"However, my brother-in-law (ex) molested my daughter and the state troopers were really good with her (she was only 3), but the idiot only got six months of weekends in jail. My sister divorced him, as they had just had a baby daughter and she no longer trusted him with their child."

The odds of it being a one-time thing are next to nil. Most pedophiles are repeat offenders, and they get better with time, more manipulative, more coercive, more careful, just like other criminals they learn from their mistakes. That's why it is so important for the justice system to throw the book at them on the FIRST offense.

[Chili]

134. these stories are heartbreaking

...hopefully your daughter will never remember what happened to her.

You said this: "I also was raped several times as an adult, by aquaintances, and I often wondered if the one incident did not do something to my trust radar when it came to men."

From numerous Oprah / Donahue shows over the years, at some point someone will say that a rape or abuse victim's self-esteem is so destroyed by the act that future rapists pick up on the "victim" body language and zero in. Going by that, the first incident probably did equal if not more damage to your image of yourself than your trust in men. But from your words, you are very strong and seem to have regained it, and I admire your having overcome what could've crippled your life.

I'll never forget this thread.

[underseasurveyor]

15. Thanks for telling your story

Lots of us are out here and the stories never get easier to read or hear about.
**We are the Survivors** :toast: To us! :grouphug:

[wicket]

16. I was molested for several years as a child

I am sorry to hear of all of the pain you have gone through :(

[Skidmore]

49. So was I,

starting at age 4 until I realized that I was as tall as the perpetrator. I told him if he touched me again I would kill him and he left me alone. I never felt safe as a child. The system knew and they allowed him back in our home over and over again. When I told my first husband about the abuse while sparing him the gory details, he told me that if he had know before we were married, he would never have married me. I was humiliated all over again. I'm married now to someone who is mature enough to not blame a small girl for the wrongs done to her. Even so, there is a part of me that never feels safe with men and don't like putting myself in the position of having to rely on a man for my financial wellbeing. Yeah, there's still a lot of pain in this soul.

Thanks, I think, for the thread. It's sad to share pain this way, but it helps to know that you are not alone.

[Heddi]

55. your ex husband was an asshole.

There were three people I dated, one is now my husband, that I shared my past history with. Like you, I left out the details and just stated the fact: I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

My husband was the only one who immediately hugged me and said "I'm so sorry that happened to you. And to anyone".

The others...well....they weren't so kind. I got the:

Are you sure you said no?

Wow. You don't act like you were raped...

So does this mean we can't fuck anymore?

Can we please stop talking about this? everytime you bring it up, you cry and I'm sick of it

They suggested I was mentally ill. That now I must hate men. Am I sure I'm not a lesbian now. One that was so bright had the audacity to say "Gee, so now if I try to break up with you, you're gonna say I raped you, right? Because girls do that. I know" Of course, he was obvious to the fact that when this occured I was 12, and not 'blaming' an ex boyfriend. :eyes:

After I told them I was accused of being frigid in bed. Told that I needed to get that chip off my shoulder and just get over it. That they didn't like me talking about it because not all men are rapists. That was it possible that I am just making up the situation, you know, since I didn't like my mom's boyfriend to begin with?

Fucking fucking fucking ridiculous

[Skidmore]

57. I'm so sorry.

The scorn and shame put on you leaves you with a big empty dark space in the soul that you get sucked back into sometimes.

As an adult, I realize that my choices in relationships have been molded so by that experience. I chose a husband in my first marriage who would not molest children. He didn't, but he was also emotionally unavailable--did not know how to show affection or return it. I channeled my anger into succeeding, in spite of the expectations for someone who grew up in my circumstances. I've matured a lot since then. My children made it safely to adulthood and are relatively well adjusted, given that mom sometimes gets sucked into a dark space full of fear, sorrow, and self-loathing.

[Cheswick2.0]

90. my ex husband did not believe me

I really didn;t even start dealing with it all until I was about 24 and by then my ex and I were having problems. He thought I was telling him to manipulate him. He just walked away saying he didn't believe me and that was that.

[K-W]

18. ignore, mispost

[TexasBushwhacker]

19. Thank you Heddi

Your story is far too common. Far too many people are more willing to believe that a victim "made it up" than to believe that the rapist is just that - A RAPIST. The vast majority of child molestation cases are punished with probation. Prison sentences for sexual assaults, even repeated sexual assaults, are rare. I think the bottom line is that the victims, women and children, are low on the totem pole. When rapists start going after white men on a regular basis, maybe something will change.

[Heddi]

22. yup

When rapists start going after white men on a regular basis, maybe something will change.

I am still horrified at the way I was treated as an "alleged victim" in their eyes when I came forward. I cannot begin to convey the absolute complacency towards the whole thing. I was never offered counceling. Never had social services check up on me. This was the first time in my life I had EVER been to a police station. EVER. So it's not like I was some nut who was out there accusing everyone of something or other. There was no reason not to believe me. At least to give me the benefit of the doubt. I mean, most *normal* 12 year olds don't accuse someone of rape.

And, of course, there's the matter of his lengthy past criminal history of sexual assault on children AND adults. And not a fucking thing was done. NOTHING. <font=big>NOTHING</font> NO one checked up on me. It wasn't just my mother with the uncaring attitude---it was the entire FUCKING system of adults I had to deal with. THe entire chain of them.

My mom didn't just let me down--the whole SYSTEM let me down and treated me like abso-FUCKING-lute garbage.

And it's still going on today. I have known people who have gone to the police, as adults, to report rape and are laughed at. I've known people who have told 'trusting adults' like school councelors and teachers, as children, about abuse going on at home and were ignored. It is so common SO common that it's absolutely sickening.

I
WAS
A
CHILD

and I had no one. Not one single person who was willing to offer protection. No one. I was raped just as much by the rapist as I was by the police and the courts and the probation officer and my mother. Just as much.

I will NEVER forgive 'the system' for that. That I can guarantee you.

[Demonaut]

20. My sister recently told me she was molested by our stepfather

he had tried to molest me but I think girls were his prey of choice, She told me not to reveal this to our real father and I almost dropped the ball when we were at our brothers wedding when the the name of the stepfather came up, I had to scramble and redirect the accusation toward a family friend who also molested her. My father is not well and had he heard the facts he would have sought out that bastard and would have tried to kill him, I've considered it but I just dont think his death would satisfy me. On edit I want to thank you for posting Heddi, women are stronger than I would ever begin to guess, when I think of my trials and tribulations they pale in comparison to what you've gone through.

[blue neen]

23. I am truly sorry about what you went through.

You were robbed of innocence, and your childhood was stolen from you.

I hope that you have a good counselor to talk to. If not, call your local Rape Hotline. They should be able to set you up with someone.

You are a survivor!

[cally]

24. I'm horrified by too many

who ignore and belittle rape victims. I don't have words to convey how awful I feel but I sense that this is statement of strength. You are strong, you have a great husband, and you survived. :hug:

[Cheswick2.0]

25. Heddi, I am sorry I was not there to protect you

I would have you know.

My parents were divorced when I was eight because my mother was having an affair. She and my stepfather went to mexico and she got divorced and they got married on the same trip. It wasn't until I was about 17 that I realized she was "probably sleeping with him" while she was married to Dad. It just never really occured to me.

When I was about 9 my step father started spanking my younger sister and I with our pants down. I didn't think at the time that it was sexual for him, but as an adult in my 30s when I started figuring this all out, I realized it was very sexual.

About a year after that I remember him saying to me one day "well no one can accuse you of being pretty". That was about the same time he started to come into my room at night. But before that there was a lot of fondling, touching, kisses that lasted too long to be a peck good night. I never felt safe, or that my body was mine alone.

When he first started coming to my room he would give me back rubs, It was great in a way because of course it felt good. But he would always get to a point where he was too rough and his hands strayed too far down past my lower back. I don't know what my mother thought he was doing every night when he was in my room for an hour or more. I started to hate my step father around the age of 13. I was rude to him and couldn't stand to be around him. I didn't know why I was so miserable and I thought there was something wrong with me because I was such a brat.

Later when I was in my 30s I finally allowed myself to think of myself as having been molested. It explained a lot about my anxiety and night terror. It explained why I would shake when I went on dates. It explained why I felt sex was something I was obligated to participate in if I wanted anyone to love me and commit to me. It never occured to me that I should expect the love and commitement first.

Then I finally figured something out. When I was 16 and "lost my virginity" with my boyfriend, I never had any pain or bleeding. I knew that was sometimes the case so at 16 I didn't think about it. But when I was remembering at 34, about being molested, it came to me. There was a summer morning when I was 13 that I woke up and went downstairs to the kitchen where I sat with my toast and my book as usual. But I was so sore that morning, I could barely sit in the chair.

As an adult I finally was able to identify that feeling. Its the painful one women sometimes get after too much, too lenghthy or too rough sex. That morning as a thirteen year old I didn't know why I was in pain. I didn't remember the night before. It wasn't until I was in my mid thirties that I thought back and remembered and finally put it all together.

There is no doubt in my mind that I was raped. I have never remembered it. It may have happened more than once. I just can not remember. But I can remember the details of that next morning like it was yesterday rather than 34 years ago.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

26. Thank you for having the courage to tell us about this

I've never been raped, but I had a female relative who tried to get intimate with me in ways that one shouldn't get intimate with a child--like forcing me to kiss her on the mouth and fondling me in ways that creeped me out.

When I objected, everyone said that this relative was "generous and affectionate" and that I was "a cold fish."

For years, I couldn't stand to have anyone touch me in any way at all. Finally, I decided that my touch phobia had gone on long enough, and I realized that I could touch people without fear as long as I initiated it. So I resolved to touch someone casually every day until the fear went away.

Finally the time came when someone brushed against me by accident and I didn't freak.

The relative who took liberties with me is dead now, but is still remembered as "generous and affectionate," which, in many ways, she was. I suppose everyone else has forgotten about the time she made a scene because I refused to kiss her on the mouth.

[Djinn]

29. a hidden aspect

woman are also perpetrators of abuse, and often when people report this they face even more disbelief because "women don't do that" - they do. Men or women can be teh victims or the perpetrators of sexual abuse and rape.

Thanks to every here for sharing their stories, I always hope that one day rape and abuse victims will feel no more ashamed than someone who is otherwise assulted, when someone commits a crime against you it is THEY who should have their faces blurred on TV and hide and shame.

[alittlelark]

28. I was 19 and a freshman st NMSU

The guy's name was TJ McGrath. He had raped 5 previous times(that were reported). His standard modus Operandi was 'minister, but not w/in a congregation, w/a buisness card instead. He claimed to me to be a Dorm Monitor. I had cut through the male dorms as a shortcut to my dorm. He claimed that I was to be cited........

Bottom line. It was awful, I was able to convince him that I just needed to go back and get my bike - so it wouldn't be stolen, and he was too stupid to guess I might get away.

He was put away for 2 years on an insanity defence. Det Rosa Marquez called me to tell me he was being released. I was in CA at the time.

He was (16 years later) put away for 25 years + by an 'activist judge'. The judge looked at his record, and decided he was a significant risk to the public.

My assault occurred on Nov. 25, which is now the Intl. Day of Awareness. Interesting.

I have little to no effect from the experience, other that always traveling w/a dog.. I called the cops and they got him in less that 2 hrs.

I was PISSED OFF when they asked if I 'wanted to report it' - uh, yeah!!!!!!!!!!

[gardenista]

30. Heddi. Thank you for this post.

I can echo the sentiments expressed by others in this thread. One of the saddest things about this is the denial your mother lived in. It must have felt absolutely horrible to have her mistrust you and repeatedly expose you to this pain. Somehow, for me, at least, that denial is complicit behavior, and is just as bad as the predator's behavior. We are supposed to be protected by our mothers. That is all there is to it.

I am grateful to my mother every day for the way she protected me from a molester in the family. Sadly, others in the family made her a pariah for it. I still have an aunt who tries to secretly arrange meetings between the molester in our family and my sister, or me. We have finally made it clear that we will NEVER be in the same space with him.

Speaking out like this is the only way to break the cycle. You are a courageous person. Thank you for this. It will make a difference.

[noamnety]

31. my sister was raped

When she was in college, she was walking home from the school art studio. It was about 11pm, a car with a man, a woman, and a baby stopped and offered her a ride, saying it was too late for a girl to be out walking alone.

She got in. The guy pulled a knife on her, they abducted her and took her back to their house. The woman and baby were in the next room, he raped her, repeatedly. During the night, they talked a lot. She didn't fight back. He talked about stabbing puppies in their soft bellies, and about other women he had knifed and left in dumpsters - roughly a dozen of them. (I don't take too kindly nowadays to people that torture animals for fun.)

The next morning, she was allowed to leave. She went to the police, and pressed charges - easy to do, since she knew where he lived. She found out when you press charges against a person, you have to list your address, and they get a copy of the paperwork - because they are allowed to know who their accuser is. So she spent the next few months not sleeping, sitting in a chair by her front door, with a butcher's knife in her lap, knowing that he knew where to find her, if he wanted.

They had the initial hearing. She was not allowed to hire her own attorney. I don't know if the laws have changed since then (the 80's), but at least then, as a woman who was raped, she was not considered the "victim." Instead, the state was the victim, and she was the witness to the crime. As a witness, you don't have a lot of rights. The state picked their own attorney, who, during the hearing, was twisting facts. He asked leading questions about why she was walking home at 5am, insinuating she was out tramping around. (She had been walking home at 11pm, abducted, and then let free at 5am.) He asked why she was wearing revealing clothes. (She had been wearing a sweatshirt and paint-spattered overalls.) The rapist was let free on a ridiculously small amount of bail - I vaguely remember $1,000 but that could be wrong.

The trial was postponed by the state. And postponed again. And again. After a year went by, my sister was informed that after a year, they just assume the rapist has jumped bail, so the trial was cancelled. They never even went to his house to check if he still lived there. And that was the end of it.

[Heddi]

32. Thank you, Everyone, for sharing your stories

and your words and hugs.

Thank you for your belief. Your faith. Your giving us the benefit of the doubt.

Thank you for not being judgemental. For not reminding us that sometimes, if we put ourselves in that kind of situation...things could happen, you know.....

Thank you for allowing us to have our emotions. For our voices to be heard. For some of us, this is the first time we've 'come out'. For others, it's old hat (as much as something like this can be).

Thank you for not calling us hysterial, suggesting we get over it, move on, grow up, suck it up, bury it inside, shut our trap, don't talk like that around family, be nice to your uncle......

Thank you for appreciating our pain, our thoughts, our sometimes emotional outbreaks, our sometimes i don't want to be touched even though i love you. sometimes I don't mean to cry but i do.

Thank you for being to us (at least me) the people we needed back then. the ones that weren't there, that didn't believe, that doubted, wondered, questioned, accused.

A building is only as strong as its foundation. The strength within myself comes from those who are much stronger than I am. who give me credence. credibility. a hand. a hug.

As many times as I get disgusted with DU, and DU'ers and humans in general, as much as I log off of this site, sickened by what I read, dismayed at the level of intolerance my fellow humans are capable of, how much evil has permeated the world on every level, I come across a post like this. People like this. People I'd never know if I lived next to you for years and I get more support and kind words by a group of strangers than I ever got from other people closer to me.

thank you.

I'm off to take a shower, smoke a bowl, and enjoy my evening. Keep the stories coming, Put a face on this tragedy. We're not anonymous women named Jane Doe who vanish from the evening news by 6:35. We're humans with lives and loves and we have a right to our stories and pain and lives.

I love you guys.

[MuseRider]

33. Heddi

:hug:

I am 50 years old and I still can't talk about it. I was too young to understand the threats and too young to actually know what was happening. Very little of it remains in my mind and for me that is the way I want it to remain. Still I want to thank you for your story and the courage you have to tell it and thank you from all of us who refuse to feel shame for something that was not under our control. :hug:

[bearfan454]

34. What a sicko

If anything like that ever happened to my beautiful 4 year old granddaughter I will go to prison for murder without a doubt. I'm sorry to hear you had to endure this Heddi.............bearfan

[indigobusiness]

35. You're post is the most compelling I've read here.

How gutsy you are to put that forth in such an open and purposeful way. Good for you in the healthy way you are dealing with something that ripped me up just to read about. It occurs to me that you could go far in helping other victims. Best of luck in whatever you do. You have paid some awesome dues.

[Chovexani]

36. My story

I was 14 and he was older, in his late 20s. My home situation was fairly dysfunctional and I was not getting along well with my family at the time. I thought he loved me and I was going to marry him one day. He gave me the attention my father never did (he was and is not in my life).

Then, suddenly he wasn't the charming, worldly older guy anymore. He started demanding things from me. I was a naive child, and completely not ready, but it didn't matter to him. He was twice my size and when 'it' happened, I froze...it was like I left my body, I couldn't scream or shout or say anything, all I did was cry. It was my first sexual experience.

I never pressed charges because I was afraid no one would believe me. To this day I've not told anyone about it, except my current boyfriend, and even then I was vague. My head tells me that it wasn't my fault, that I was a child and this grown man took advantage of me and abused me, but I can't help feeling the guilt and the shame even after all these years. So I don't talk about it, I don't even think about it.

Thank you for this thread.

[cally]

50. It wasn't your fault

You were 14 and an adult raped you. I think we forget how young we were at 14. Before I had kids, I thought I was mature at 14. Now that I have a 14 year old who is mature for her age, I'm sure that 14 year old kids need guidance and protection. I'm so sorry that this happened to you and that noone was there to protect and support you. :hug:

[Chovexani]

63. This is why I love DU

Reading other women's stories and seeing all the love and support pour forth...this is the kind of thing that makes DU so great. :grouphug:

[Selwynn]

37. Your post brought me tears and a lot of love

Bless you for you courage and spirit.

[Red State Rebel]

38. I was molested at age 9 by my Grandfather

He had raped my aunt when she was around 12 and my mother had witnessed it and told on him. I always figured what he did to me was his way of getting back at her, but realistically, I was probably just one of a string of victims.

They lived on an isolated farm in the middle of nowhere - the only phone they had was the local one where you crank the bell in a combination of long and short rings to indicate which neighbor you want to pick up. There was electricity but no indoor plumbing. It was that way until he died in the early 90's.

I was sent to stay with them for a week one summer and part of that was helping do different chores on the farm. On this particular day he told me that crows were into the peach trees in the orchard and we were going to sit out on the edge of the orchard with a gun to shoot them. We proceeded, him carring a 22 rifle, to the orchard, as we walked toward the orchard he started in and I was terrified - when we got there and sat down, he continued - I will never forget the outfit I was wearing and how horrified I was. Before he was able to complete the rape, I was able to get up and get away from him.

I told my grandmother that night (they slept in separate rooms) and she proceeded to do absolutely nothing!!! I never mentioned it again until I was about 12 and my sister and I were talking one night and I told her. I don't remember the conversation, but I told her not to tell anyone because I thought I would get into trouble. She told my mom anyway and the fireworks began. Tho my mom confronted my grandmother, nothing was ever done and my aunts to this day don't believe that it ever happened.

One of the worst things for me has been worrying for my cousin. The youngest aunt was very close to my grandparents and they were out there constantly with their two daughters. The oldest was close to my age and I always wondered if she was a victim also. She grew up and ended up going thru a couple of marriages in her 20's and having a drug problem so I wouldn't be suprised if there was something to it.

The whole experience messed me up pretty much. The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 11 then again at 16 and again at 32. I have been therapied to death and finally am to the point where I'm pretty much past it. I always swore I would spit on his grave when he died but I haven't done that. He has had to answer to someone that can be much more punishing than I.

[Andromeda]

39. Thanks for having the courage to speak out.

:kick:

[Heddi]

40. Last night I thought about it

and the one thing I hope comes out of this thread is that maybe, someone will read the stories we've posted. Our personal experience. They will see that they're not alone in their pain.

Maybe something happened last month. Last year. 10 years ago. Last night. Maybe this will give them the courage to do whatever they feel they need to do--press charges, tell a friend, cry, realize that it did happen and it's not their fault and they're not to blame.

There is an awful stigma attached to rape. If you're a woman who was raped, people ask "what did YOU do to bring it on? What did you wear? What did you say? Why didn't you fight harder? Why didn't you scream no? Why didn't you kill him? Why didn't you tell anyone? Why did you allow yourself to be alone in his room anyway? What did you think would happen in a situation like that? You know your Uncle/Dad/Brother/Friend would never do something like that intentionally. It was all a misunderstanding. Are you sure you meant no when you said no? What do you want from him? You're just jealous. You're revengeful. You're mentally unstable. You can't be believed. You're out to get something"

If you're a man who was raped, people assume "wow. I didn't know he was gay. A man can't rape another man. THe Rapist wasn't gay, so it must be the accusers fault. He's a big guy--he should have fought back harder. I wonder if he has AIDS now. I wonder if he'll become gay now. I wonder why he allowed himself to be in that situation. Why didn't he say no. You can't force a man to do those things. He's just repressing. He's guilty. He's ashamed. he's mentally unstable. He's unbelievable. He's got a grudge. He's jealous. He can't be believed"

----

A girl I knew once who was raped said "You know, once you're raped you find out you're a member of this really select club. But you didn't ask for a membership and once you're a member, you can never resign. You can never quit. You're always connected to everyone else in the club." And she was quite right.

Once I began to talk about my story, I was amazed...saddened..disgusted...by how many of my friends were members of this exclusive club as well. We pay our dues every day through unrelenting thoughts, sigma, tears and pain. Once I opened up, I found that there was a wonderful world of understanding folks out there who weren't going to judge me, or hold my past against me.

I'm sure there are people on DU who read this thread and are disgusted. I'm sure this thread has been hidden by people who don't wish to acknowledge the reality of life. The reality of our lives. It's sad. Are they in their own denial? Is my lack of uncomfortability and my ability to speak openly and frankly without going into hysterics something they didn't expect? Are they outraged by the candor and openness shown in this thread? The strength in the face of adversity? Talking out loud about subjects that should be whispered? forgotten? ignored?
---

For many years I didn't talk or think about those parts of my childhood. I had the anger, the hurt, the sadness still inside of me but I kept it deep down inside. It ate me up. It killed me. I tried suicide many times, never succeeding. I was an emotional basketcase.

But then one day, I was tired of it and I pretty much wrote out what I wrote above in my diary. For the first time, *I* began to own my history.

For so long I was quiet, which of course was great for the Rapist because then no one knew what he was doing. Then when I spoke up, I was silenced and he was allowed to continue doing it. When I stayed quiet, I allowed him to go unchalleged.

By being quiet, by not even talking to myself about it, I allowed HIM to own my pain and experience. Here he was, getting away with everything and I was SILENT. QUIET. Because I didn't talk about it, he still had that power over me, even years later. He still had the power to cause me pain years after the last attack happened.

I got sick of it. This was MY Pain. MY experience. MY loss. Not his. He got his many times over. Time for ME to be in charge of this situation for once. For the times that I couldn't be in charge.

That's when I became vocal. By talking about it, *I* control how I feel. I can be outraged when I want. I can be an advocate when I want. I can be sad when I want. I can be depressed when I want because now, I OWN IT. MY WORDS. MY HISTORY.

He has no power over me now. I have taken his twisted thoughts and put them in my words. Added my emotion. My voice that was absent for too long. He's nothing now. I don't even see him in my thoughts. He's just a vacant black space. Not a human, not even close.

Ladies and Gentlemen---take control of your experience. Don't let these monsters rule over you throughout your life. YOU make it YOURS and YOURS alone.

Thank you again for all of your strength and candor. You are all truly wonderful people, and I hope this thread stays active. We need to be heard, even if only for ourselves.

[Chovexani]

66. Thank you so much Heddi.

Your story moved me to tears, and though my situation was different, there is just something so healing about talking with other people who have gone through similar things. This was the first time I ever really talked about what happened. I completely understand what you've been saying in these posts, so much of it hits so close to home.

I can only speak for myself but I know there must be many others on DU who are also grateful for your strength and courage in sharing your story and bringing this issue forward. There are so many people out there hurting from these experiences and reading your words is some powerful encouragement.

Thank you so much. :hug:

[truthspeaker]

41. National Sexual Assault Hotline [phone]-HOPE

http://www.rainn.org/

I don't have a story, just thought I'd share the phone number and website.

[bloom]

42. I think I'm still in denial

27 or 28 years later.

I was a virgin. I said no. He did it anyway.

I blame myself.

Later I heard how this was a common thing for him.

I told a psychologist about it a couple years after it happened and he said, "Well, a lot of times our first sexual encounters are not ideal".


:crazy:

[Cheswick2.0]

44. sometimes psychologists are not ideal

or even close. Remember they are just people who spent a few years in college. Not all of them are brilliant.

[truthspeaker]

45. You might want to report that psychologist to the state licensing board

That statement is so unprofessional it might well qualify as malpractice.

[Heddi]

56. please don't blame yourself

and please know that there are therapists out there who actually have some semblance of a conscience and who would never suggest that rape was a less-than-ideal sexual encounter.

For me, I got frustrated really early with the psychiatriasts. I felt that they should be willing to, at least at the first visit, just let me talk for the hour. Say whatever I wanted. I didn't want direct or pointed questions. I didn't want to think about this or that. I wanted to get it out, and none of them let me do it.

I wanted to tell my story to them and THEN ask me question. THEN have me think. but nope. They wanted to lead the discussion. There was one therapist that didn't even TALK about the rape or allow me to talk about it after four sessions. After the fourth, I left and found a wonderful group of other survivors and friends & family of surviors and found that I got all the therapy I needed from those people.

One therapist had the audacity to suggest that in as little as 10 visits, he could help me forget the whole thing and get on witha normal life. I said "My life is normal" No it isn't. No rape victim is normal. You have to get to a point where you don't talk about it and don't think about it and live like a normal person. You're not at that stage now. So I said "So I spent 10 years silent, and finally once I start talking about it I feel good and finally like I have some power and you're telling me now I have to shut up about it and forget about it" and he said that I would never be normal if I didn't forget about it. I said he could forget about me and my money and walked out and never saw another fucking therapist again.

Please know this is NOT your fault. In NO WAY is this your fault. HE RAPED YOU and you are in no way to blame for that. I wish society could get that message through their heads.

Pleaes feel free at any time to PM me if you ever need to vent.

[bloom]

70. Yesterday

I was in Barnes and Nobles and saw a book on "Toxic Parents" ( I sat there and read most of it).

I recognized myself as someone who has been trying to be (or at least act) perfect so that my father could be happy.

So I've had the perfect looking marriage, the perfect looking kids, I even had the perfect looking job for awhile - until I got laid off last year.

Over the years, I pretty much denied to myself anything that wasn't perfect - so I've told myself I wasn't really raped - like some people wouldn't think of it as rape - like I was just stupid - even though I know it was premeditated and I was set up....

I've tried many psychologists. One of the problems is that my dad is a psychiatrist. So I know all about how imperfect they can be. (Mostly - he was emtionally detached - dealing with with own childhood problems).

I'm pretty tired of the charade, myself.

[murielm99]

125. I read that book.

My brother's therapist recommended it to both of us.

It was perfect for us.

[chiburb]

43. Nominated for front page.

Thank you.

[Pachamama]

46. I'm so upset right now..I want to respond but can't-my stomach is in knots

I am a victim of sexual assault when I was in College and also later when I was in my mid-20's....My sister was raped by my Grandfather when she was 14...She's much younger than me, so I was away at College and I fortunately never had the experience she did with him, but I'm haunted often by the possibility that he may have done things to me when I was really young and I've blocked it out....I don't even know where to begin but what you just told me has me in tears about all the women and girls (boys too) that are molested and raped daily by perverts and often the adults that they are supposed to trust.

I'm so sorry for what you went through and all the victims of these sick animals that rape and abuse...Sadly its so common and most people have no idea...

No, we won't be silenced...I'm with you sister....

Namaste

[GreenPartyVoter]

47. I am so sorry for the pain you all have endured. *hugs*

-----------------------------------------------------------
And God told His children: "I love you. Play nice."

Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://www.geocities.com/greenpartyvoter/liberalchristians.htm

[ursacorwin]

48. i just love feminists

are you young, heddi? i meet so many younger womyn like you...i wish i were still 25 sometimes; the younger generation is going to finally kick this whole stupid american puritanical silliness about sex, i just know it.

heddi's taking a step here, and it's a powerful one. everyone should do this if they feel ready, catharsis can be wonderful and healing.

anyone remember that awful column by auntie pinko about abortion? i fired off a pretty angry letter to her after reading it, so i don't have a problem sharing with the DU family. who knows, perhaps some of our stories will help another woman say no in time, or avoid the kinds of men who prey on them. forgive me if i lack compassion for some men...

when i was four, our babysitter's 13 year old son took me down to the basement and raped me. that took many years to work thru, and for most of high school i had a really hard time with boys. looking back on it, i realize it's because i'm gay, and when we're young we seek out sexual experiences and then internalize certain habits and behaviors that are in part the creation of our society and its attitudes about sex. anyhoo- one of my boyfriends raped me when i was 16, i'd just broken up with him and he came to my house to try to convince me to take him back. i'm glad we didn't stay in that place for too much longer...it was so humiliating and i hated myself for opening the door for him. i was raped by a couple of hockey players at a party, and a 'friend' of a friend at another party a few years later. as a high schooler, i assuaged and exaserbated my depressed condition with a lot of drinking.

college changed things for me, i got educated and feminist theory helped me face my past and overcome it. but i still made the mistake of marrying a violent man, several years later. he raped me several times during the course of our marriage, and beat me often. i finally got out of that and came out of the closet. i'm happy to report that i have only had healthy relationships with women in the years since.

occasionally, i find myself thinking about sleeping with a man, normally after watching a movie or consuming some media product that involves violence. what's interestjng to me is that our society seems to play up on the idea that sex and violence go together, especially in the minds of men and women who've internalized that connection because of some experience. sometimes i think that this is the reason for the widespread reality that is rape in america- the one in three thing is really true, if you can get women to talk about it you learn that really quickly. my father was a judge, and he said that the most horrible endemic was taking place; he saw many, many incest and rape cases when he was on the bench. we lived in a "nice" country county filled with white people.

i confess that i'd kill/have killed any man who tried to touch me like that now. it'll probably take me another few years of directed meditation to work that out.

[Kire]

51. molested by a baby-sitter at 6

I'd rather not go into it right now, but thanks for the thread.

[VelmaD]

52. If I had a nickel...

for every time I've heard that I wouldn't be working at this lousy job. It happened to me too. Only I was around 11 or so. I wasn't physically forced but I certainly wasn't old enough to understand what was happening to me or to consent to it. I'd rather not go into it...but I feel for you Kire. :hug:

[PatGund]

54. Understand

When I was 13, I was raped by three men. When I tried to tell my dad, (who's memory I loathe to this day), he backhanded me into a wall and said I was lying, because things like that didn't happen to boys. No police report was ever filed. For all I know, the three who did this assulted others in the same way.

It took three days for the blood spots in my underwear to go away. It took almost ten years to come to terms with what happened - and to not allow it to affect me any more.

Time, love, and patience is what helped. Things I didn't get when it happened - but what I got later on. Not to mention friends that would like to bring my father back to life so they can beat the snot out of him for me.

More of my friends than I care to admit have had this happen - and very few men to this way will want to talk about it if it happens to them.

No, I am neither ashamed or a victim any longer.

My name is Patrick, and I'm a survivor of sexual violence.
No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.

[Heddi]

58. Thank you. Thank you.

How horrible of your father. Absolutely unexcusable. I wish more men had your strenght to say that they too were sexually abused as children without having vitrol aimed at them. It's so sad that so many men and boys are raped and those rapes are never reported to the police. Nothing is ever done. I'm sorry that the world let you down. Let US down.

I've been reading and re-reading this thread throughout the day and it's amazing that the one common denomenator in our stories is lack of support. Especially for children---we were CHILDREN for chrissakes. WHO WAS PROTECTING US?

The system continues to let us down. Let other children down. Other adults. It's so sad that such an awful awful crime, something that affects your ENTIRE life, ALL of your relationships, your self esteem, your self worth, self image, phobias, hangups....EVERYTHING...is treated so casually. Slap on the wrist for pedophiles. Plead down from child rape to indecent exposure. sexual battery. Get out in 6 months and reoffend and reoffend and just leave a trail of tears behind them and no one does NOTHING.

But---kill a kid or a cop and whoah buddy you're in jail for LIFE. NO parole. NO light of day.

There were times when I thought that being dead would have been a much better solution than having to live with my pain. I wish he would have killed me so that way it would be over instead of lingering on forever.

Now, I still have pain, but it's MY Pain. By being silent, I gave him power over me. NOT ANY MORE.

we must NEVER stay silent. Let these perverts know that what they did to us will be shouted from the rooftops until death silences our voices. And then we prepare for that by writing down our stories so that even in death, our stories stay alive.

[democratreformed]

74. Gosh, I am paralyzed by the pain.

About an hour ago, I started to respond to this thread by telling about an experience my niece had. Then, my sister walked in and I quit typing. I know it has to be very difficult for her and I didn't want her to see me talking about it.

Then, after she left, I came back here to read some more. The pain and sadness so many of you have been through is paralyzing.

You're right. Society doesn't generally think of these things happening to boys. Actually, most of society doesn't think about it happening to girls OR boys. They'd rather just ignore it.

Your story is heartbreaking as is Heddi's and so many others. And I am so sorry that you have had to suffer these things.

[Misunderestimator]

59. Heddi, that was a powerful story.

There are some correlations in my life, though most of my abuse was physical and not sexual... most... And reading about your mother reminds me of how my own contributed.

Thank you for telling your story. I still wouldn't have the courage.

[Behind the Aegis]

60. it scares me....

What a great piece! Rape/sexual assault is one of the few crimes that people feel the victim is somehow to blame. Was she wearing something seductive? Was he 'giving off' signals? She is a slut/whore/prostitute/wife, how could she have been raped? A person walking down a darkened street gets mugged and it is a shame, a crime. The same person walks down the same darkened street and his raped, then s/he was 'asking for it.' Rape is never a crime of passion! Rape is always a crime of violence!

It is a shame and very scary that we live in a society that devalue women so much. I know men can be and are victims of rape, but when they are raped the men are equated with women and being weak. The culture of rape revolves around the notion that women are inferior.

It scares me that judges sit on the bench and declare that women cannot get pregnant from rape because "the juices aren't flowing!" It scares me that special laws have to be created to criminalize rape when the perpetrator is the husband and the victim is the wife. It scares me that people think a sex-worker CANNOT be raped. It scares me that rape is so under-reported. It scares me that rape is so under-reported because the victim "goes on trial!" It scares me that celebrities can rape and not be held to the same standards as others. It scares me that women and men who have been raped feel they are to blame. NO ONE EVER DESERVES TO BE RAPED!!!

It takes immeasurable strength to come forward as a victim/survior...no matter how long ago the crime took place. To those who came forward, thank you for your strength. To those who read this and can't come forward in this forum, I hope you have those around you to support you.

Brightest Blessings!

[democratreformed]

78. When I was a teacher, I read a book on sexual assault

that pointed out that rape is about power. It was a very scary book and was saying that noone should think they're immune to the possibility. We "larger women" have a tendency to think that we don't have to worry about it. This book make me think differently, though, because, like I said, it pointed out that it is about power. It pointed out that all kinds of people get assaulted, from women 90 years old to very young children. It makes sense that it is about power.

[truthspeaker]

127. Yes, much more about violence than sex.

[Beware the Beast Man]

62. I have a tough time keeping my knee from jerking

After reading some of the stories in this thread. As a man, I can't think of a lower order of animal than one who sexually preys on another simply because they can. Not to mention the level of distrust they perpetuate upon their victims (or surviors) that hinders the victim from having a trusting relationship with somebody. It's a sad fact of life. I wish it wasn't so.

[Mandate My Ass]

64. Date raped at a sleepover party in my teens

the police refused to believe me because they said I was drunk and couldn't know for sure what had happened to me. I told them I woke up with a man's hands over my mouth while he involuntarily penetrated me. They said I sounded incoherent and they didn't see any evidence of struggle. One trip to the hospital would have told them all they needed to know but I guess they didn't want to fill out the paperwork. They left without even asking me if I wanted a ride home.

Months later I ran into two of the guys that were at the party. They said it was a shame I "made such a fuss" because that guy would have wanted to go out with me again. :puke:

[Vladimir]

65. I hope you punched them n/t

[Mandate My Ass]

67. Believe me if I had it to do over again...

when something that stupidly cruel is said, it kinda takes the wind out of your sails.

[johnnie]

68. This is a very powerful thread

I am one of those men that women like to tell things to. They just open up to me after knowing me for a while and I am amazed at how many women have been raped and sexually assaulted.
I have had a few girlfriends confide it to me and other women that I have met through the years.
The first few times I heard it I will admit that I didn't know if they were telling me the truth or not. I was younger and it just seemed so far out to have this happen. As time went on I heard it more and more and I am sickened and outraged at the thought that this is more widespread then we are led to believe.
These days I look at my sisters, niece, mother and friends and wonder. I worry about the younger girls that I know, and pray that they never have to go thru something like this.
You, and all the others that have posted are so courageous to bring up something this personal to a place like this.

[Carson]

69. My story pales in comparison

with the others on this thread. My heart goes out to all of you.

When I was fifteen, my dentist fondled me while in the chair. He would also press his erection against my hand and arm. I remember being horrified, disgusted, afraid, embarrassed and ashamed.

It was difficult to tell someone what was happening. The fear of not being believed or that I had done something wrong was overwhelming, but luckily my parents were very supportive.

[Mandate My Ass]

71. I don't believe it pales in comparison at all--that's terrible

To be so young and have a doctor use both your young age and the doctor/patient trust relationship to make sickening sexual advances is unethical and probably criminal. I'm so glad your parents were supportive.

To all of you who posted, thanks for sharing. This does bring about healing and I hope we all will some day.

[Jo March]

72. My website has a few things about my rape

It happened on March 27th, 1992. It led to a downward spiral that I am just now crawling out of.

It's so hard but I am working hard to get past it.

My brother was molested by my stepdad. When he told my mom and my older sister, they accused him of lying. I screamed at them because they were so fucking stupid. Who would lie about that?

I tell people now. I used to keep silent but it cost me too much.

[bigwillq]

73. You are a very brave person for sharing this

And to be able to move on in a positive direction.

It's amazing that you now could use those awful experiences to want to help other people who suffered the same and to try and prevent it from happening from other people.

I am sorry for the pain that you have suffered.

You are a true inspiration to other people who have suffered but we're able to pick up and move on with your life.

I wish you all the best. You deserve the best.

[Ripley]

75. Good for you Heddi.

After the crap (once again) you had to put up with in that other thread.

Years ago, in a duplex we rented on campus, one of my roommates was raped in the living room on the first floor while 4 of us slept upstairs. I felt so guilty when I woke up to see her freaking out. There were actually two men in the house at the time (boyfriends) that would have beat the guy to death if they had heard him. She had fallen asleep on the couch watching TV. The rapist had climbed in through an unlocked window. He held a pillow on her face and choked her with the other hand while he raped her.

Needless to say she dropped out of school and moved back home.

The trauma involved with a lot of rape victims is that they think they're going to be murdered as well as raped.

Maybe some of those jerks on DU who think rape is sexy because some porn stars have made it sound cool, will read some of these stories and try to imagine it happening to them or someone they know.

[CitySky]

76. thank you Heddi

for sharing your story. it is painful to read but important.

Female friend who works in a bookstore was recently approached by a girl about 12 or 13 inquiring if the store had any "books about rape."

My friend admitted she was too stunned to respond with anything useful, like the hotline # posted above, in that brief interaction.

[richmwill]

77. Heddi...

God Bless you for having the strength and the courage to speak out about your ordeal. It's so sad that depraved individuals such as rapists, molesters, etc. even exist in our society. But sadly, they do- I've known 3 victims. One was an aunt who was molested by her uncle, a friend/ex-girlfriend who was attacked and raped at 16, and another friend (the one which breaks my heart the most) who was repeatedly raped, over the course of months, by her own father. They all stood up against their attackers, and I admire the hell out of them for it. As I admire you for doing your best to stand up against your attacker. Stay strong. If any victims come on here and read your story, and are inspired enough to do something about what is happening to them- then you have done a tremendous service. But even bringing your story out and allowing us to read it, you have helped many people understand the hurt and pain that victims go through.

[Coventina]

79. My mother was raped in college

The only human being she ever told was my sister. She never told our father.

My sister eventually told me, and we've agreed that if she had wanted him to know, she would have told him. To tell him now would only hurt him.

R.I.P. mom.

[Ilsa]

80. Raped by a stranger that broke into my home.

I was 27 and living alone. I had a sense for a short while that I was being watched, but that side of my brain couldn't find enough "evidence" to really make me fearful and follow my gut instinct that something was wrong.

I called the police, went to the ER for the exam. Got therapy then, then I moved to another city and got therapy again for a few more years to help with my loss of trust and PTSD. It helped alot as did time and simply feeling more powerful inside.

I think they caught him, but I couldn't ID him. My trauma was preventing me from dealing with who he was. But the man they caught went to jail for another rape. I hope he's dead, but he's probably out raping again.

I was date raped once before by someone i had dated and had been having sex with. I was trying to leave his house one evening and he attacked me. He kept calling me for more dates, but I wouldn't have anything to do with him again.

I'm so sorry about your situation, Heddi. God, what a horrible thing to deal with and live with and to be treated so badly. I'm really glad you're still with us.

[Christof]

81. Rapists should get severe punishment.

If I ever found out anyone around my campus was raped, or anyone in my family, I'd take the law into my own hands. Rape, to me, is just as severe as murder.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry that this happens to anyone. It's pretty sad that the cops didn't believe you when you told them you were raped. Why in the hell would they think you were lying about something as serious as rape????? That's just...ludicrous! :grr: :mad: Something needs to be changed in our current legal system. Cops need to believe and trust people who tell them that they were raped. Because they didn't believe you, they allowed that man to hurt more people. :grr: :(

Thank you for posting this. It must have been really tough. :hug: I'm glad you will continue telling your story. Hopefully it'll show those out there that rape is really happening, and it's happening to, like you said, our wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, and neighbors.

[yardwork]

82. I'm so sad to hear these stories!

It's heartbreaking to think of all these children and adults who were victimized. I don't know what else to say, except thank you for telling your stories. It helps everyone when the truth is told. Eventually it will help change laws.

I don't know if this will help, but I heard a story once about someone who DID intervene and help a child who was being abused. This is the story -

A woman I know was married to a man with a young daughter from a previous marriage. The girl was wild, and she and her stepmother did not get along. One day the girl ran away from home. Her stepmother found her at the home of a friend. The girl told her stepmother that her father had been raping her for years. The stepmother believed her! She turned her husband into the police, got custody of the girl, and raised her to adulthood. The husband went to jail.

That story gives me hope about human beings. Even thought there are too many people who have turned the other way and pretended not to see the suffering of a child or a friend or a daughter, there are a few heroes and heroines who do the right thing.

If I'm ever in a position to help a child or an adult who is being abused, I will be a stronger advocate because of the stories that people on this thread have shared.

[NoBorders]

83. I was molested by a teacher

When I was about 13/14, over a period of a few months. I completely ignored my feelings about this for almost 20 years. I minimized it and told myself it wasn't that big a deal.

By the way, I'm male, as was the teacher. He was eventually arrested on molestation charges against some other boys. One of those boys was transferred to another school, and was teased there, to the point that he hanged himself. That's why I never told anyone. I was afraid I'd end up the same way, somehow.

Male-on-male rape/molestation is quite common too, I think. I don't know what the number is though. But I was in boy scouts during highschool, and our scout leader also made advances on me, but nothing ever happened. He too was later arrested on molestation charges.

I don't know that I'll ever really get over it, frankly.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

84. raped and molested several times through childhool

years of therapy later i am fine. but not good at sharing the details...atleast not sober.

i am sorry to hear your story...its much worse than anything i have experienced.

love

pri

[lpbk2713]

85. I have read every word in this thread.

And I rarely do that with lengthy threads. I couldn't make myself stop reading. Thank you to all for sharing your pain and especially Heddi for starting this thread. You all have my admiration for the courage it took to overcome the pain of the memories to post your painful experiences. I find it difficult to express how angry I feel right now that the most vulnerable in our society, our children, are so cruelly victimized and exploited. It's bad enough that they are victims first-hand of the abuser but when they can't rely on their immediate family or law enforcement to come to their rescue that is apalling. I can only hope that there is some source of hope for these kids outside the home where they can get some help. Is it not possible that some venue (school, church, scouts, etc) could at the very least point out what is inappropriate activity and who should be contacted if something out of line is happening? And I also wonder if today's teachers are trained to spot behavior in a child that would warrant professional intervention? I know that might open up some very scary doors but consider what is at stake and it might be worthwhile. Thanks again Heddi and all.

[Endangered Specie]

86. Its very very hard to be anti-capital punishment...

after reading the thread and the various posts here. Reading these I get a huge flow of emotion from sadness to anger for I cant imagine how people can harness the power to overcome and live life after these types of horrors.

It takes alot of strength to even admit to having been molested assaulted or raped, even more so to be able to talk about it.

[Nikia]

87. I am sorry for you. You are so brave for sharing your story

I was a victim of rape and molestation in my early teens and preteens as well. I am afraid to share the details even under anontmity. It was only a couple years ago that I told my two best friends and then my husband. What is really horrible is that he was accused by another girl and I said nothing and it wasn't brought to trial. I guess that I am most ashamed of that.

[Heddi]

88. Don't be ashamed

It's very traumatic to go to trial. There are alot of things I left out of my original post (lest it be way way longer than it originally was!) But one of the girls he had molested came forward and *gasp* someone believed her. I was talked to by police and her lawyer and asked to testify. I guess there was a note on this guys quite extensive record that I had made a rape report years before, and they knew to reach me.

I was much older at the time than I was when the rape occured and the lawyer warned me that I'd be asked uncomfortable questions. I'd already had to talk about my masturbatory habits when I was 12, so I was sure that anything else they asked me at that point would be child's play. The lawyer ran through some 'test' questions that would be asked.....I'm sorry to say that THOSE questions offended me just as much as the rape did. SO much to a point that I don't care to even reprint them here. They were vile, disgusting and totally out of line.

In addition to other things, they wanted to subpoena my journal that I kept while the rape was happening as 'evidence' of his past history. However, (and I don't know if this is correct or just my misunderstanding of the situation) I was under the impression that if any bit of my diary was entered into evidence, then EVERYTHING in there could be used against me. Since the rape occured from age 11 or 12 through....15, then again later on...let's just say there was ALOT of stuff in there that I didn't really think was germaine to this case.

The lawyer and the police begged me to go on the stand. If I went on the stand, they could use my diary as evidence. If the diary was used as evidence, I'd be in a very uncomfortable position and have to answer questions about very personal things. Things that had nothing to do with the abuse. Things that were personal to me. Personal thoughts and feelings....that kind of stuff.

I told them I couldn't do it, and that I was very sorry for the young girl in question, but I just could not allow myself to be humiliated even more than I had been. They told me I'd have to read out loud, in open court, a three-page entry I had written about "self pleasure" when I was 14 or so. Read it, out loud, with him sitting 12 feet away. I don't know---it wasn't the thought of being embarassed that killed me, but the fact that he'd be fucking TURNED ON by this testimony that sealed the deal for me.

He eventually was found guilty of some lesser charge--I believe it was buggery. Got probation, and was out raping kids by the next weekend (this is a fact, not hyperbole). I felt awful for letting that little girl down. She, like me, had no physical evidence (no semen or pubic hairs). Just some tearing and irritation that could, just like me, be explained away as reactions to bubble bath or detergent.

I felt--feel---horribly for her. I felt--feel--I let her down. Maybe I did. I can't change that now. And knowing what I know now, I dont' think that 10,000 kids testimony would have kept his sorry ass in jail where it belonged. It was almost like he was rich or powerful or connected the way he kept slipping through the cracks and getting lucky breaks. But he was an ex-con with a record longer than my arm with no money no power and no nothing. I'll never understand his influence to this day.

Don't be ashamed. It's a difficult thing to go through and I can blame NO one for choosing not to go to trial or for speaking up. THey would have put your ass in the coals while he got to play patty-cake with his past. THat's a fact.

[slinkerwink]

89. I was sexually molested when I was 5

and I've blocked much of it out. All I can remember is hiding in the closet, crying, and seeing a hairy arm come towards me. That's all I remember and I don't think I want to remember it all.

[Jim__]

91. Thank you for telling your story - thanks to all of you who told your

stories.

The one thing that comes through to me from reading this is the pain people feel. More than the pain of the sexual assault; but shame afterwards. And I wonder if people telling their stories can help to alleviate that shame; and help society to understand that there is no shame attached to the victim of a sexual assault. If people understood this, it may ease the pain; it may encourage people to be open about what's happened.

Years ago, everyone I knew drove drunk. Nobody considered it a big deal. It was only after MADD had a campaign informing people about what the real costs of drunk driving was that people stopped - most people. Maybe if enough people are informed about sexual assault, that information can have an effect, first of lessening the pain, and second of reducing its occurrence.

I think the information that's in this thread is the type of information that can help to bring that about.

[Nostradammit]

92. I was sexually molested by a "family friend"

for several years. He was the son of my parent's friends, and in a way I used to worship him. He was older and he was on the football team, baseball team, etc. and I was a scrawny kid with braces and coke-bottle glasses and our family would visit them several times a year (they lived an hour away from us.) I was grateful for the attention he would give me, as my father was an alcoholic Vietnam vet who had no use for us, but at night, after everyone went to sleep, he'd make his way into my bed and use me. I would feel so ashamed and dirty, but I couldn't tell anyone about it because I felt that I'd been responsible for it somehow.

He used to tell me about the things he did to his little sister, and when I'd express incredulity he'd say, "I'm just kidding, of course I wouldn't do that to my kid sister!"


I nearly drank myself to death over the guilt I felt. Everytime I heard someone call somebody a "fag" I would cringe, because surely I must be one, and we all know how horrible "fags" are. (sarcasm) He recently sent me a belated birthday card to which I've not responded. I moved out of state, and he must have gotten my address from my father. He's now a fire-breathing born-again baptist with three children, one of whom is now a young teenage girl with a lot of "attitude problems."

He came to my work a few years back and surprised me with a visit. We went for coffee and he tearfully apologized for some trivial event in our past, saying that it had come up in his marriage counseling that he owed me some amends. I don't know if he's ever acknowledged to himself what he did to me, how much pain he caused, and I don't have the courage, energy, desire or whatever to confront him with it. He's out of my life and that's good enough for me. It breaks my heart to think of what his children might be going through, but how can I do anything about it? Report him on something he did thirty years ago? Accuse him of something for which I have no evidence?


Thanks, Heddi, for your courageous post, and for giving me the chance to share something I need to talk about but rarely do. I would give anything to have spared you that horror.

[Xithras]

93. *deep breath*

I have no idea why I'm about to type this, because I've never before told anyone about this.

When I was nine years old my mother began sending my siblings and I to a new babysitter. She was in her mid 20's and single, but was dating a guy in his early 30's. The abuse began within the first few weeks..."punishments" for infractions as minor as interrupting her conversations included having to strip naked and stand in the corner, or having to insert my finger into my anus. Later, she began inserting her own finger, and then various dildos. When she got bored with playing with me, she made me start playing with her...at 10 years old I was "fisting" her at least three times a week, while she fondled and penetrated me with various things.

Through all of this I THOUGHT that my younger brothers and sisters were unaware of what was going on, but I was mistaken. When I was 11 she informed me that we were going to do something "different". Her boyfriend came in with my sister (who was 10 at the time), and they were both naked. It was then that I found out that he'd been molesting my sister just as long as his wife (they were married by this point) had been molesting me. Only, for some reason, they picked that day to switch roles. The husband pinned me down on the bed and penetrated me from the rear, while his wife began on my sister. This pattern of them "swapping" us continued on for months afterward, culminating in several instances with my sister and I being forced to have sex with each other, while they either masturbated or joined in.

And then one day they were simply gone. I was never told what happened, but we simply changed babysitters one day. There was no conversation, accusation, or mention of it...we just started going somewhere else.

Sadly, I think I wore a label that attracted child molesters after that. When I was 13 one of my mothers boyfriends climbed into bed with me while half drunk and told me "I like little girls, but I've always wondered what little boys were like...let's see if you're as good as your sister". He then proceeded to spend the next four hours raping me. The next day I needed to escape and ran away to a local park, where I collapsed in the grass crying. I was approached by a guy who ostensibly just wanted to see if I was "OK". For some reason I let it all out, and just started running off to this total stranger what had happened. He listened to me intently and asked if I was going to call the police. When I told him no, and that I didn't think anyone would believe me anyway (because "boys don't get raped") he gave me his card, introduced himself as a counselor, and asked me if I wanted to go somewhere and talk about it. He said we were going back to his office, but we ended up at a local motel. When I asked him why we were there, he told me that he needed to pick up a few papers and asked me to come in. I SHOULD have known better. I SHOULD have ran. But I didn't. I went in, and he immediately grabbed me and began my second rape in less than a day. Only this time there was no "lets be quiet" about it. It was forced, violent, and because I'd just been raped, quite bloody. When he was done with me, he took my school ID card from my wallet and told me that he knew where I lived and would have me killed if I ever talked about it to anyone.

Until now, I never have.

At first, I was honestly scared to talk about any of the rapes because I really believed that they would come back to hurt me if I did. Later, that fear was replaced by shame for what I'd been through and guilt for what I'd been forced to do with my own sister. Today, it's more a dull anger than anything, and I just don't think about it. I have a beautiful wife, two great kids, and one more on the way, and my only real goal is to make sure those kids are raised without anything similar ever happening to them (without exaggeration, I'd likely kill anyone who touched my kids). My parents have never been told, my wife has no idea, and outside of my sister and you on this message board, nobody has any idea (and here I'm essentially anonymous). My sister and I have never discussed what happened to us or between us, and as far as I'm aware she never told anyone either.

IMO, child molesters should be given the death penalty. These three men and one woman screwed me up for YEARS after they assaulted me, and I spent most of my teenage years in a dark depression that almost ended in suicide twice. Then one day I was watching TV and this lady came on (Donahue I think) talking about how she'd been molested for years and years by her father, and how she was prosecuting him all these years after the fact. I don't remember much about that episode, but I remember her describing how she was on the edge of suicide one time when she realized that if she died, her father would have succeeded in not simply destroying her, but killing her. She decided not to let him win, and moved out and on with her life. It inspired a little introspection in me, and ultimately was the first step in my escaping my own personal hell. I moved on, fixed my life, and am now living proof that rapists and molesters can't destroy you if you don't let them. The pain is still there if I think about it too much (like now...I'm crying dammit), and I doubt that it will ever go away, but I refuse to let it control me or depress me any more.

Someday maybe I'll tell someone I actually know. Not today. Probably not tomorrow. But someday. Maybe.

I can't believe I just typed that. Now lets see if I have the guts to click post.

[NEOBuckeye]

95. Man, that's horrible. I'm so sorry...

I'm sorry for you, for Heddi, for all of the people here and everywhere... men and women, girls and boys who have suffered through sexual abuse.

You are very, very brave in posting this here.

[cally]

98. You now have told us

I just don't have words to convey how outraged I am about what happened to you. You are an incredibly strong man to survive and raise your children well. I admire you. :hug:

[Xithras]

101. There's nothing to admire

Please don't. Remember that comment my mothers boyfriend made about seeing if I was as good as my sister? I never followed up on that. My mom and this guy dated for months afterwords and he slept over almost every night, but while he never touched me, I never even bothered to check up on my own little sister. I know he went into her room at night because he had to pass mine to get back to his own, and it was obvious what he was doing to her, but I didn't want to think about it. I buried my head in my pillow and hummed myself back to sleep while he had sex with my twelve year old sister night after night.

But that's not even the worst of it. Here's another thing I've never admitted to anyone. The victim became a victimizer. According to some definitions, I myself am a rapist. At one point when I was 16 I began dating a girl and shortly afterwords wanted sex. She didn't, and I tried to force the issue. Even though I was half drunk, I managed to get her skirt up and her underwear off while she tried to fight me off. I knew that you shouldn't have sex with people unless they are willing, but I "knew" she'd enjoy it once we started...just like I had. To me, at that moment, it didn't seem like I was doing anything wrong. When she kicked me, I slapped her as hard as I could and she just sort of crumpled, crying.

Then I stopped. I honestly don't know what came over me, but as I stood here looking down at her terrified face with her underwear in my hand, I just couldn't go any further. I had become what I hated, and I hated myself for it. I'd been taught that sex was something to be taken, but deep down I knew that it was wrong and I just couldn't do it. I gave her back her underwear, and let her go, apologizing profusely but knowing that NOTHING I did could undo the damage I had done. My first suicide attempt came the following morning.

That's why I shouldn't be admired. I haven't raised my hand to a woman since that day, and the thought of rape is repellent, but I'll never forget the look on that girls face after I hit her. You have no idea how much it saddens me to realize that while I have the "four faces of evil" permanently burned into my memory, she has only one...and it's mine. I never penetrated her (or even got my pants down for that matter), but I made her feel just as weak and powerless as my molesters had made me feel. She didn't press charges, luckily, but I've never been able to forgive myself for what did, and what could have, happened that night.

I realize that some people here will probably despise me for posting this, especially in this thread, but it had to be said. I lost any right to claim "victim" status long ago. I just hope that some here will be somewhat understanding.

[cally]

105. Forgive yourself

You were a scared child with your sister. You are looking at that child with an adult's eyes and thinking what you would do now. You were not an adult so just forgive yourself.

As for the force when you were 16, you were acting on what you had learned. You stopped and you knew. You are commendable.

And I still think you are great! :hug:

[Xithras]

110. I've been trying for 14 years

Fact is, what I did to her is unforgiveable. The best I can do is to make sure it doesn't happen to anyone else I know. I'm an educator, a protective father, and a cub scout den leader, and I do everything possible to make sure that NONE of the youth or children I come into contact with are ever exposed to that kind of abuse. Anyone who tried would...well, let's just say that I'd probably vent 22 years worth of pent up frustration their way, and that the result wouldn't be pretty.

Of course, there's also a more practical aspect to my not discussing this. There seems to be a common belief among many people that molested children are more likely to become molesters themselves, and that they need to be "watched". As an educator, a parent, and a cub scout den leader, I'd hate to think that people would question either my intentions or sincerity around their children. I would sooner castrate myself than touch a child, but I don't think I could deal with the suspicion of people wondering "what if?" while quietly comparing me to the very people I hate.

[Ms. Toad]

117. A couple of observations from many years in the trenches

(rape survivor 28 yrs - have talked about it lots from the first day, so do not currently feel the need to talk about it much - and 10+ years as a peer counselor for other survivors).

Unfortunately, the experience of repeated abuse as children often teaches children that there are only two roles in life - victimizer and victimized - and it often teaches that physical pleasure is associated with forced sexual activity. (For those who have not been through sexual abuse as a child, one of the most difficult aspects of it to sort out is the guilt/confusion over the physical pleasure that is often associated with the physical aspects of the continual emotional and physical abuse.)

Because because of the gender roles imposed on us as children - pushing men to be dominant and women to be submissive, it is often the case that men reject the victimized role and pick up the only other role that has been modeled for them - the victimizer, and repeat the abuse that happened to them. (And, particularly if your own experience included physical pleasurable, it permits you to rationalize that perhaps that is how relationships between men and women are supposed to be.) Similarly, girl children more frequently pick up the victimized role and many become repeat victims of rape and other forms of abuse. I have lost track of the number of women I have held through the initial aftermath of rape who were living through their 3rd, 10th, or 100th rape - and of the number of rapists whose stories I have learned which included repeated abuse as children.

Rape victims will always question/hate how we could have been so "stupid" (as to wear that dress, go out alone at night, forget to lock our doors, go to a friend's house to study, etc.). As a rape survivor I have learned to make choices that make me safer - without beating myself up for the fact that some of the choices I made in the past made it easier for someone to rape me. (And, frankly, I refuse to live in a lock box so given a choice between calling a security officer to escort me to my car and walking to it alone in a relatively safe neighborhood I am more likely to walk to my car alone - which does not given anyone permission to rape me even though I have not made the safest choice available to me.)

As a victim, you will always question how you could have been so blind to the woman's feelings, and wonder how you could have even contemplated perpetuating the abuse you suffered. As a survivor, you recognized what you were doing and made a choice to stop and I am confidente that you will never act in that manner again.

You may want to consider volunteering at your local rape crisis center. Although I have had a very remarkable reconciliation with someone who mildly sexually abused me several years ago, that is not usually possible. (It was only possible for me because we were both part of a very close knit community, he truly did not understand that his actions were not appropriate, and he was committed to learning what he had done to offend me and to making amends.) As an alternative to reconciling with the woman you hurt, helping others through the early stages of recovery may help you feel as if you have at least indirectly undone some of the pain your actions caused.

[jdj]

114. I am so sorry that you have have had to go through this.

The stigma of male rape must be lifted, and men must be allowed to talk about it. I truly believe that if men were allowed to tell the truth of their childhoods and deal with the fallout, the world would be so different as to be unrecognizable.

It makes so much sense, you dissociate and tell yourself "this isn't happening". This is the worst skill a person can pick up, because you (I should say I, I did learn disassociation, and it comes in handy (not) in other areas, it is one of the most self-destructive tools a person can learn. We learn it to survive, and then we use it against ourselves and sometimes others. I am certain this skill is how Susan Smith watched her children drown...she had been sexually abused and told her family and was not believed...she was told not to see and not to feel and not to believe her own senses...she refined this into a high art. Many of us do.

Thanks for talking about this. The times I have had HIV tests at health depts., several times counselors have commented on how high the number of men is that answer "yes" to the question 'have you ever been sexually abused'. I'm not sure it is less common than the instance of abuse of female children, just less talked about. Lots of people read posts, so there is no telling how many people you have helped with your story.

[gardenista]

119. You have broken a horrible cycle.

Most molesters and rapists have been victims, themselves, at some time in their lives. And the cycle of victim/predator feeds on silence and denial. It takes an incredible amount of personal fortitude to come through the experiences you described as a whole, nurturing person.

You have broken that cycle, at least it looks as if you have.

You also seem ready to talk about this to someone, even if it's just here, where you are anonymous.

Though I don't mean to tell you what to do, I can say that from my own experience, which absolutely pales in comparison to your own, a trusted therapist can help immeasurably.

[NashVegas]

104. Children of Divorce Are Walking Targets

I know. I was one. I was Daddy's little girl and when he moved out (I was four) I missed that affection, big time, and so went looking for substitutes.

Xithras, you should talk to your wife and close friends about this. Over the years, I've discovered like attracts like and you might be amazed at the common experiences you've had.

[Ilsa]

111. How are you feeling now that it's all out there?

My god, so much to keep locked up. I can understand why you are crying. I'm fortunate that it's been long enough for me to not feel the need to cry about what happened to me anymore. But I feel so bad that you still have this history to leave with, and it's still with you.
Blessings and peace to you.

[Xithras]

112. It felt good to let it out, but it doesn't change much.

As much as I appreciate those of you on DU (and you guys have saved me from politically induced depression on numerous occations), you're not my family, my wife, and those I love. To them, it's still a secret.

Letting this out may do one thing though. I think I'm going to talk to my sister. She's the one person who already knows everything that happened, she shares the same baggage, and there are things that I really should have discussed with her years ago. I don't know how receptive she'll be to having this brought up after so many years, but I really should try.

The only problem is, I still feel so much shame for what we did to each other. The fact that we were forced doesn't do much to lessen that feeling. She's my sister. I love her dearly, and I hurt her.

Dammit, now I'm crying again. I think I'm going to have to leave this thread alone...I guess I'm not quite as over some of these emotions as I thought I was. Damn. Damn. Damn.

[jdj]

120. Being able to feel the emotions

is not a bad thing.

I just had a screaming crying fit at my father the other day about this, I was talking about my abuse, and my mom's abuse, and he was saying irresponsible, uncaring and almost unforgivable things. He is a very sick man, he said I shouldn't get "hysterical" about it and I screamed back at him that if I didn't cry and scream about it at some point, then I would be more worried. Being able to feel it is much better than not being able.

My Dad is beyond hope, I think. My brother has confronted them about the fact that he was abused by my grandfather, that my sister and me told my mom this shortly after it happened,and yet my grandfather was in our house every holiday. In fact, my grandfather left me a beautiful cedar chest which my mother has denied me for 15 years because I refused to go to his funeral because when he died I was just beginning to deal with his abuse of me and my parent's non-reaction, and had spiraled into addiction and self-injury and depression. I would sell it for the money, so I can see her point, but the fact that she begrudges me for this shows the sickness of my family.

And my brother just blew the whole lies, the whole "great unsaid" out of the water over the last year, because he is just now dealing with his sexual abuse, and our subsequent "acting out" with other kids, and because he has a child he deeply and dearly wants to protect. I admire him for this, but it has been a nightmare in my family for a year. I got into this discussion with my father because I refused to deny my brother's version of reality, I told my parents that every word he said was true. They are trying to portray themselves as the victims of an ungrateful child, rather than a child who is trying to deal with the patterns in our family so his child is not victimized. It's horrific right now, but I WILL NOT BACK DOWN from my right to have my tears about this, and I told my father this, that I would not minimize or deny it to them because it makes them uncomfortable.

[TexasSissy]

94. The Mother. I can't believe you still have a

relationship with her. Do you and she talk on a regular basis?

The way I see it, she is as much to blame as he is. In today's courts, the mothers are held responsible for failing to protect their children against abusive fathers/boyfriends. It is a crime. So it is that your mother committed a crime.

[Heddi]

99. we do talk on a regular basis.

and I don't know...maybe it's a bit of codependence on my part, you know, trying to please her, make her happy with me, make her 'unmad' about, you know, being raped by her then boyfriend, whom I know she still has feelings for. Deep feelings for.

I can't explain our relationship. What happened in my youth is the "Great Unsaid" between us. I know it sounds utterly horrible to anyone reading these posts about her inaction and then me saying 2 breaths later that we have a great relationship...but we really do.

She was molested in her youth. Her mother was molested in her youth as well. I don't know if by the same family member---it doesn't matter. I don't know if my mother ever told my grandmother. I don't know if there was any action. My grandfather AND grandmother were both terribly physically and mentally abusive towards my mother when she was younger and my mom grew up very screwed up---ran away when she was 12 and continued to run away through her youth. Caught up in drugs and drink and had a very heavy lifestyle. I came around when she was 20 and she didn't settle down from partying until I was at least 8 or 10.

Before the rapist entered her life, she was married to my stepfather who was absolutely brutal. Physical abuse on a daily basis, frequently throughout the day. He was careful enough not to hit her on her face, though, because then the bruises would show. He broke an oven hood in half once when he grabbed her by her hair and slammed her head into it, then refused to let her go to the hospital.

When they divorced, he stalked her and broke into our house a number of times. He was physically abusive to me to a degree---spankings for every little thing. He was much worse to her, and until my dying breath I'll never forget her sobbing, crumpled body on the bathroom floor, bloody and bruised begging him "just please stop. please stop. I learned my lesson". I was maybe 9, standing in her bedroom doorway. He saw me, slammed the door in my face and all I heard afterwards was the sound of fists on flesh.

I think I'm able to have a relationship with her because believe it or not, she was a good mother---despite what occured in my youth. We were dirt DIRT poor. I mean, below poverty level poor. She was working 2 and sometimes 3 jobs and barely had enough $$ to pay the bills. My stepfather had left her with incredible debts and every month one utility or another was being turned off because we just couldn't pay the bills. Several times in my childhood we only had enough food for one of us. She'd cook dinner and say that she wasn't hungry or ate at work, when the truth was that there just wasn't enough for her to eat.

She sold plasma on a daily basis, hopping from one plasma place to another to get cash. Loan Companies owned her soul.

When she met the rapist, I think she saw a stable life for once. Nice not handmedown clothes on our back for once. Food in the fridge for once. Lights and water throughout the month for once.

I think the reality of ANOTHER BAD THING happening was too much for her. As crazy as this sounds, I don't think her inaction was due to lack of love or malice. I think it was her psychological way of having to deal with such a trauma in her life.

I can't say I fully understand her actions, but I appreciate her hard life, and understand that sometimes we do crazy things that aren't in our nature.

She never lifted a hand to me, and (aside from that once) has always been there for me. To this day I know if I called her and told her I was hungry, she'd fed-ex a hamburger to me. She'd give me her last penny if it meant I'd be happy.

I think that she feels guilt for her inaction. She's a good person. Honestly. I think she made a series of very bad decisions for which she knows she cannot atone.

I love her very much and could not imagine my life without her. I had....let's say 5 years of bad times with her. The other 23 great years outweigh that.

Am I pissed as all hell for what she didn't do? without a single doubt. But I can still love her and appreciate her at the same time.

I think that starting with my grandmother's rape, her rape, and then mine---I think that alone shows just how fucked up such a thing can make you, and how it fucks your judgement, and makes you a person that you would have never been. I can empathize with that aspect.

[TexasSissy]

100. I see. I, too, had a "great unsaid" with my mother....

eventually it got said, and I felt relieved to hold her responsible for a terrible action she had done. Didn't make her all bad in every way. But to finally acknowledge the awful thing she had done felt great. To finally say it. As one adult to another. I could say that, as an adult, I truly appreciated how AWFUL her actions had been, that I now KNOW that responsible parents would not do such things. It was cleansing for me.

To each his own. Regarding your mother, though....you might want to keep in mind, as regards her "selflessness," I'm sure she sees her old age looming before her.....and you would be one of few out there in the world she could look to to care for her in her old age. Probably best to keep that in mind.

As for her "one" lapse in coming to your aid, I would point out that it was numerous times, according to your post. All with the same person. But each time was a crime that your mother committed, and a failure to protect you.

I know this sounds harsh. I suspect you are younger than I am, that you haven't had time for all these things to come home to roost. Or maybe you're just different. Whatever works for you. But I hear that nothing goes unsaid...it always surfaces in some way. Good luck, and thanks for a great, but sad, story.

[NashVegas]

103. Great Unsaid - great term

Heddi, I wish I had your grace to be so forgiving.

As a child, I was repeatedly molested by both a priest and a neighbor, and had no comprehension of what was going on, because I had been completely sheltered from procreative knowledge several years past what I would have otherwise been able to process. My mother could not in any way have prevented what happened to me at least initially, but if she had given me the information I needed, when I first asked for it, I would have been able to nip it in the bud, myself. Boy, though, no one had a problem laying all manner of humiliation down on my ass when I jettisoned the dirty old men and started hanging out with dirty young men.

It's because of that resentment I've never discussed these issues - or anything having to do with my sexuality - with her, or anyone else in my family.

[jdj]

118. This is why feminism exists.

Just needed to say that.

This is the reality, and this is what women who work for improving women's lives are working to prevent.

My grandmother was victimized too, she divorced in the 30's, was starving poor, married my grandfather who turned out to be a child-molester. Molested my mother for 15 years. Then me, my sister, my brother. She died when my mother was ten. Sometimes I think she died of a broken heart, having finally escaped her brutal ex-husband, then to find out your new husband is violating your baby daughter. My mother grew up the child of an alcoholic child-molester who was also a compulsive gambler. These women were in utter and complete financial slavery to these men, and the children were sacrificed. Marilyn Monroe's mother had a nervous breakdown trying to support her, she had even made up a fake father's name on the birth certificate because back then if there was no father the state would take the child. But she could not cope with the horror of single-motherhood at that time. That is why sometimes I get enraged at young men today who do not understand in any way what brutal inequity women lived before feminism. I think they are allowed to get away with way too much here. Thank you for enlightening people by having the courage to post this.

My grandfather was so bad that when her mother knew her own death was imminent, she asked that my mother be put in an orphanage, but her wishes were not respected.

I am a victim as well, of relatives on both sides of my family. Also was hospitalized for severe double pneumonia in college, was barely conscious with tubes all running out of me, and my Dr., Dr. Dunkelberg, comes in and says he is doing a breast exam on me. I hope he rots in hell, I was so sick, and he used that as an excuse to cop a feel. Probably did it to tons of his patients.


I was told at my first gynecologist visit ever that I was scarred internally. The Dr. thought I had had an abortion or a D&C. He did not believe me when I insisted I never had. I don't know what the deal is with that, and from what I do remember I almost don't want to know.

I have a memory of being taken to the hospital by "someone" when I was very young. Can't make sense of it, and when I told my mother she said "no" in a very strange way. I have a friend who went through the same thing with her brother, she was 5 and he, sixteen, and he raped her. She had to have surgery to repair her internal organs, her kidneys were injured, he did so much damage. Yet no one EVER talks about it. When I insisted that her parents HAD to know about it since they took her to the hospital, she was so reticent to believe they could know about this yet not talk about it. I think the one in four statistic is low. I keep waiting for the day when I tell someone the story of my abuse and they don't have a story of their own to share. I am 36 and have been talking about this for 18 years, and it hasn't happened yet.

[Nobody]

96. I feel intense anger and outrage

For all the women and men who have told their stories here, I sit here raging about how much isn't done to protect the children, the vulnerable, and how much isn't done to convict the despicable low-lifes that rape.

I rage against the system and how it abets the slime by putting the victim's on trial if they are brave enough to take it to court.

I rage against this knowing that rapists always ALWAYS keep raping until stopped.

There were some instances where I could have been raped. I've resolved to kill anyone who attempts to rape me. I took martial arts training and can kill with my bare hands if need be. I hope I never have to.

I checked with a cop and this is legal. Self defense. one less rapist on the streets.

I have resolved to attack anyone who rapes someone else in my presence.

Heddi, you put electrical tape on your door to keep him out. That was an ingenious move, and a clue so huge it would take serious blinders not to see it.

I applaud your attempts to protect yourself when the adults around you didn't. I admire your courage in going to the police.

It shouldn't have to be a courageous act to press charges. It shouldn't be an act of valor to have your day in court.

[curse10]

97. DV and Rape survivor- remember, we aren't victims, we are SURVIVORS!!!!

We are strong, powerful women that overcame horrible situations. :grouphug:

[noiretextatique]

102. Heddi...thank you so much for sharing your story

:grouphug: this hardly seems enough, but it's all i can send you in cyber space. such terrible secrets so many of us have hidden in the dark, but a wound cannot heal without air and light. it's so important to talk about these awful truths so that they don't control and destroy.
i am so sorry for what you experienced...i cannot tell you how angry i am right now. i am glad the rapist finally got what he so richly deserved, but it's a shame that so many had to suffer, and especially you...you suffered so much.
it wasn't just him who abused you...it was your mother, the police, the doctors...all the adults who should have known better.
i know you are another survivor, and i am so proud that you had the courage to bring all of this into the light because you have nothing to be ashamed of...the adults in this saga were to blame...all of them.
(((((Heddi))))) sending you love, light, and blessings. :loveya:

[RhodaGrits]

108. I decided to add this to the thread because I think the numbers

here are telling of how widespread this is.

My parents were recently divorced. I was 20? yrs old - it seems so long ago. I went to visit my alcoholic father in his new place in a caretaker's cottage on an estate. It was morning. He invited me to swim in the pond and I changed into a suit. He went in naked. I told him there was no way I was skinny dipping with him and sat down on the chaise lounge. He called me to the waters edge and foolishly I went. Part of me could not believe this was happening. He reached out and grabbed my ankles and pulled me down and jumped on top of me. I fought him with everything I could and escaped without being raped. He later bragged he "could have torpedoed <me> out there". I told him I'd have killed him first.

He drank himself to death a year later.

I went to the university psych services because I had so much rage, so much anger. They patted me on the head, told me it was normal and to go home. I'm still almost as angry with them as with him.

[Zomby Woof]

109. Heddi

That is just amazing what you survived. You give lots of people out there hope, and by all means, if just one person reading this gets the help they need, you will have done a service beyond words.

All my respect and best wishes for you.

[lpricanprynces]

115. Thank You for Speaking Out

One thing that has always bewildered me is the treatment of stranger rape vs. acquaintace rape. People are now willing to acknowledge the pain and humiliation of stranger rape. The same can not be said of acquaintance rape.

I was molested by my step father from the ages of 7 to 17. These monsters know exactly who is vulnerable to prey on. My biological father abandoned me, and my stepfather took it upon himself to remind me that he was the best father I would ever get because I was such a horrible person, my real father didn't even want me. Being naive with virtually no self esteem, I took his abuse, believing that I was lucky to have the "appearance" of a father. My mother got pregnant with me as a teenager, and was always talking about what her life could have been like. My stepfather brought her happiness, I thought I did not, so I sacrificed myself to keep the one parent I had left happy.

As I grew older and my body developed, the molesting grew worse. The monster pratically stalked me, he cut holes in my bathroom wall to watch me change and shower, he left things around the house for me to find. When I was 11, I actually planned to kill him. I took a knife to bed with me one night, but I guess God was watching out for me, because that was the one night he did not come to my room in over a week.

I actually had fantasies of making it to college and disappearing without a trace. I was prepared to leave my family and entire life behind to save my mom the humiliation of having everyone know what kind of man she was married to. Finally, when I was 17, he cornered me in the kitchen, and I actually found the words to threaten him. I said that I would tell my mom. For the first time in my life, I saw fear from him, and the control shifted to me. He backed off and stayed away from me for the rest of the day.

When my mom got home, I told her exactly what was happening over the years, and surprise, she didn't believe me. She asked if I was sure, could it have been someone else, was I doing this because I didn't like him, etc. She then confronted him, which of course he denied it, which was good enough for her. Unfortunately for her, I had told a teacher, who was required to notify the police, and child protective services interviened. I had to sleep on a friends floor for 2 weeks while my mom helped my step dad find a new place to live. She gave him half of our furniture and belongings. We even had a dog and a cat, and she tried to make me give one of them to him so he wouldn't be lonely. She begged me not to press charges, and just trying to please my mom once again, I complied. That is the biggest regret I will ever have.

Fast forward 13 years later, I am now 30, married, and starting to get on with my life. I still talk to my mom, but we will never have a true mother/daughter relationship. She still refuses to execept that she did anything wrong. In actuality, it was her reaction to the situation that hurt me MUCH more than anything my step dad could have done to me.

Sorry for rambling, but I have to admitt it did feel good to get this all out.

[jdj]

122. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I am dealing with a similar situation.

My mother asked me for forgiveness the other day, and I could not forgive her.

Because when I was in my late teens I started telling the truth on my family. She did NOT want to deal with this, and told me to "stop bragging" about my sexual abuse.

She also stood by and let my father play mind games with me my whole childhood, he enjoyed tormenting me, and still does. At 36 I am renting from them and am reliving all of the sickness in our family.

Long story short, I was mis-diagnosed as bi-polar at 19, and they were overjoyed. Finally, proof that I was the crazy one. When I needed her and needed to deal with my abuse, my mother sold me out. Per my father's abuse of me, she always told me I was "too sensitive" or "ungrateful for what he had done for me" blah, blah, blah. I know why I couldn't give her what she wanted, because she wanted ME to make HER feel better about the fact that SHE put me in harm's way. About her reaction to the abuse, and her abandonment of me when I tried to deal with it at 19, 20,...nothing, not a word. When I told her of the abuse directly after, she said I was lucky because I wasn't penetrated by this man. Other than that she had no reaction whatsoever, total stepford wife.

I couldn't say what she wanted because her reactions and her failure to protect me from my father's sickness and hatred of me have devastated me much more than the physical assault I went through, and these things, in her mind, do not exist. I want her to ask forgiveness for not giving a damn.

[lpricanprynces]

123. Good Points

Parents need to realize that how the REACT to the abuse is much more devestating than the abuse itself. Children need their parents to protect them, and when the people who are supposed to care for and nurture you fail you, it cuts like a knife. I hope everything in your life becomes better, you are not alone.

[bloom]

131. You might like the "Toxic Parents" book also

Or maybe you've already found it.

It discusses a range of parenting problems - from detached and depressed parents to abusive families.

It also discusses that forgiveness is not always helpful...

and has suggestions on dealing with the pain, etc.

Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life
by Susan Forward

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0553284347/002-7450375-6624024?v=glance

[Chili]

133. I hope that one day...

...your mother will listen, really listen, to you and allow you to vent your feelings - and accept them. And I pray you can get out of that house soon so you don't have to relive this all over again.

I feel humbled by the bravery of all of you who've suffered the pain of rape and child abuse.

[neverborn]

116. Rape is MORE offensive than murder to me.

Way more. It leaves a live victim to deal with the loss and robbery of their basic humanity.

[lpricanprynces]

124. I couldn't agree more

When a person is raped, a part of them has been "killed" forever. You can never be the person you were before. It affects every part of your life, and while you can learn to cope with it, you can never forget it.

[MontecitoDem]

121. Thank you for the post

I was raped when I was 15, on a school trip by two classmates. We had all been drinking, so I never told my parents (or any adults). A few kids knew but seemed to regard me as responsible. (No surprise, I did too!)

I had one of those weird "rememberings" of a past trauma when I was about 26. Never really believed that stuff was for real, but it helped me. I still am incredibly nervous and frightened about being alone, or passing men in the street. Weird. It doesn't seem to really go away with time, experience, etc., for me.

For some reason even posting this fills me with dread - not really sure why.

Thanks again for the incredible post and this thread.

[H2O Man]

128. This is an interesting thread ......

I worked as a psychiatric social worker for decades, and perhaps the least appealing part of the work was with sex offenders. I have a couple of thoughts that I'd like to contribute.

First, sexual abuse is found in all socio-economic classes. It isn't a disease of the poor. It's not less common in the middle class. But it is less likely to be reported in the middle- and upper-classes.

Second, "statistics" on unreported cases are speculation .... informed people trying their best, but tend to loose people when they become inflated. The actual numbers of reported cases alone shows that this is a national crisis.

Third, sexual abuse happens to male and female, young and old, and everyone in between. There are groups that are statistically at higher risk, but this is not an issue that can be dealt with effectively by creating false divisions. Men should recognize that their mothers, sister, wives, and daughters could have their lives impacted by this horrible crime. Women should recognize that there is significant evidence that shows that sexual abuse, like other mental and physical abuses, is a women's crime, too.

Fourth, there is a movement in the forensic psychiatric field that claims that new therapy can "control" sex offenders in the community. It's simply not true. It's to reduce the penal population, and to invest money into community mental health services. It does not work, and it puts the general population at much higher risk.

Fifth, because of child custody issues, there is a small but active group of women who use false claims to inflict damage to an ex-spouse, and to gain control of custody and visitation. Some have commented that this is a small group. While I disagree, it is not relevant. Let's ditch the numbers game. Just like rape, it damages individual's lives, and impacts those in that individual's family.

We will not make significant progress in this field unless we unite efforts, rather than divide. This thread is of great value in potentially opening peoples' eyes.

[scarlet_owl]

129. Thank you for sharing your story. I was sexually abused by an

ex boyfriend. He would violate me when I would be asleep, and and any old time he felt like it. This person, whom I thought I loved, would point guns at me and make me beg for my life. He would hide around the house with knives and jump out and scare me. He had me living in terror, but I got out and now I have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband. Thanks again for your post.

[pmbryant]

130. Horror

The horror of that story is unimaginable to me. Thanks for having the courage to share your story here, Heddi.

Peter

[Chili]

132. I just read your post

...and I'm in tears. Bless you for your strength and courage, and for your determination to overcome your pain to tell your story. If it even helps ONE person...

And I hope to God they catch that ratfuck and get him off the streets.

[dave29]

135. I was molested by an older sibling

and a friend of his (instigator) at age 5. I guess generally this sort of thing is considered "playing Dr.", but I was absolutely taken advantage of - and have just recently come to terms with it - and spoken openly with my brother about it.

He had carried the weight of the few incidents with him, unsure whether or not I remembered, and therefore unsure whether or not to even bring it up. I feel as if a great weight was lifted for both of us - and yet, there is a special difficulty in cases like this - there is no absolute direction to point the giant finger of blame other than the person who introduced the behavior to my brother's friend. Of course we'll never know who that was - and I'm left with anger and resentment towards an abstraction, a shadow.

[Heddi]

136. Thank you everyone, again, for continuing to share your pain

I wanted to let you know how helpful this has been for me, and how other DU'ers who have not posted on this thread have PM'ed me and said things like "I'm too ashamed to post publically, but I was molested too". There are more of us out there than are on this thread, and there are more of us out there than the world cares to recognize.

I honestly--HONESTLY--thought this thread would sink like a stone. Even without my occasional posts, this thread has stayed strong thanks to the frank candor of other DU'ers.

I appreciate your complete and total honesty. I feel like when I read this thread, I hear a great collective sigh. As if we all just let out our breath for the first time in a long time.

Some of the people posting in this thread have told their stories of rape or molestation several times. For others, this is the first time they've spoken of it.

For some of us, those important in our lives know our horrible secret. For others, no one knows.

I'm glad that there is the air of openess here. A community that fosters compassion and understanding. We can talk politics and all that jazz any other day of the week. We can disagree and all that any other day of the week. It's very supportive to see people here all sharing a common experience.

It doesn't matter if it was touch and no sex, aquaintance or stranger, family or friend. Our pain is the shame and only by talking about it, by having others realize the intense psychological trauma that comes will others, I think, understand that rape isn't about SEX. It's not about being inconvenienced. It's a life-altering reality that hundreds of millions of people across this planet---every gender, every age range, every sexual orientation, every race, every economic group---must face.

Only through our voices will the message be heard.

Again---I thank everyone for keeping this thread alive. For giving others the chance to let their voices be silenced by fear, shame, and intimidation no more.

Thank you
thank you
thank you.

[RhodaGrits]

137. We all thank you Heddi.

I remember when Clarence Thomas was nominated to the Supreme Court and a member of my staff went off on women that lie about sexual abuse. I lost it. I don't think I ever had a job where my male superior didn't make some sort of unwanted sexual advance on me.
My first episode was when at the age of 16 the manager of the service dept in which I was writing up repair orders whipped his cock out of his pants and wagged it at me and a fellow young teenage girl employee to mock something we had said. I said nothing... I remember thinking "Be cool, this is probably how adult males act in the "real world". Now I know he was just a flaming asshole.

Having my father attempt to rape me was horribly traumatic and I still have emotional scars but hearing the stories of others makes me feel optimism at the resilience of the human spirit and that some really good people still exist out there. Thank you very much for opening your heart.

[AmyDeLune]

138. Gentle Bump n/t

[SarahB]

139. I just wanted to say I admired the courage of everyone here.

I am so fortunate and blessed to have not had to go through anything like this, but I have loved and known people who have (both men and women). It tears at a person's soul. What saddens me the most the most is how few parents, especially mothers, seemed to offer so little protection and support. In my opinion, they don't deserve to be called mothers and it only would make the pain exponentially worse for a child.

Parents:
Teach your children from an early age about what kind of touch is appropriate and that they know you will always believe them and help them. Make sure they know predators do exist. If your gut tells you something about a person, don't trust them. Children are too precious and the younger they are, the more vulnerable they are.