“Masturbate while it’s still legal.”

seraph

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Tue Nov-16-04 10:52 PM
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“Masturbate while it’s still legal.”

Edited on Tue Nov-16-04 11:31 PM by seraph

"The War on Orgasms"
By Seraph

PROVIDENCE - The front lines of America’s culture war erupted in the serene liberal paradise of Providence, Rhode Island this week.

In a protest against the recent presidential election, and a nauseating capitulation to the religious right, Miko Exotic Wear, a store that specializes in adult clothing and accessories, fired a retaliatory shot at the wave of conservative propaganda that’s encapsulated a lazy U.S. Media, content to repeat and regurgitate the mantra “Values Voters”, until all 55 million of us are ready to trade our Fahrenheit 9/11 DVDs for a copy of The Passion of the Christ, and start repenting sins en masse.

In a message designed to remind and recommend, the owners of Miko crossed the political divide and reached out to those values voters we keep hearing about, and tackled an issue important to most everyone except Jerry Falwell with a rallying cry bigger than the shot heard round the world; “Masturbate while it’s still legal.”

Interviewed by a local CBS Affiliate, Miko’s assistant manager says, “Eleven States just made gay marriage illegal… how long before some idiot in Alabama decides that a man touching himself is gay?”

The way things are going, probably not long, but the question remains; Do fundamentalist Christians “spank the monkey”? Science tells us yes, and one could even argue John Ashcroft’s encounter with the Crisco qualifies as an auto-erotic experience, but will they go so far as to make it illegal for the rest of us?

Will self gratification become the sole province of hedonistic blue staters, with our love for lattes, The New York Times, Civil Rights and jerking off?

In these scary days for Democrats, it’s not such a stretch to envision a Red State Republican sallying himself up onto the floor of the Senate and making the case that a man or woman pleasuring themselves is just as bad as teen pregnancy, partial birth abortions, same-sex marriage, or even (gulp), Osama bin Laden.

The new conservative meme could now include campaigns against the act. No more “War on Terror” America, it’s “War on Orgasms” for you now!

Attack ads could be played over and over on cable television, guests could be marched onto news shows making the case for or against the ultimate sin against America! Politicians could be forced to take sides! 527 groups could sprout up all over the land decrying “those godless fucking liberals and their wanking!”

Rush Limbaugh could have talking points! Hannity’s next book could be titled, “The Hannitization of Celibacy”, and even Bill O’Reilly could have to give up the loofah!

Ah those damn conservatives we would all say, as the most enjoyable thing you can do with yourself is outlawed; yet another slap in the face from power crazed fundies and their idiot president.

But until the Department of Sexual Security busts down your door and hauls your ass off to Jerker’s Prison; shoot your wad America, you’ve earned it.