In a bizarre combination of the War on Terror and the War on Christmas, the Bush Administration today canceled this year’s Yuletide celebration, after arresting Santa Claus for aiding and abetting terrorism, and designating him as an enemy combatant.
Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced that Old St. Nick had been tracked by the FBI for some time, since he fit the classic terrorist profile: a bearded holy man who took flying lessons, repeatedly entered and left this Country without a passport, and controlled a tightly knit cell of subordinates who manufacture concealed packages – that Santa delivers to his network in the dark of night.
Gonzalez further stated that based on warrantless intercepts of phone calls and emails between the North Pole and Detroit, Michigan, U.S. authorities were able to uncover Santa’s “naughty and nice” lists, that implicated him in various Al-Qaeda related activities.
The AG also asserted that the final nail in the jolly fat man’s coffin was provided by satellite photos, which caught Osammy kissing Santa Claus.
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