GOP Proposal Would Repeal Drunk Driving Laws

[ThisThreadIsSatire]

Satire from http://thedesperateblogger.com/2011/05/gop-proposal-would-repeal-drunk-driving-laws/

Claiming the mantle of 'The Party of Personal Responsibility' and in an effort to correct what they characterize as 'senseless government intrusion into every day life', House Republicans today voted to open debate on a measure that would repeal all current drunk driving statutes.

The measure, introduced by freshman Rep. Jackson Daniels (R-TN) and titled "Repeal of the Intrusive Job and Buzz Killing Laws Act of 2011" immediately drew fire from House Democrats, several of whom offered to buy the first round for any Senator who votes to block the measure in that chamber – as passage in the Republican-controlled House of Representatives is virtually assured.

House Speaker John Boehner praised Rep. Daniels while expressing his support for the bill:

"Not only do these laws represent the sort of senseless overregulation long espoused by my colleagues on the other side of the aisle insofar as they impose government mandates on personal behavior, but as with all other forms of regulation, they result in needless expenditure of public funds and more importantly, they cost jobs. What my good friend Jack has done in drafting this historic piece of legislation is bring us a step closer to returning our country to a better time and place – a time where citizens have ownership over their own conduct without some bureaucracy dictating their personal behavior."

When asked how the legislation, when enacted, would lead to job creation, The Bronze Clod explained, "Repeal of these laws will lead to job creation not only in the beverage industry, but also in the hospitality industry. Greater alcohol consumption has been historically proven to create jobs in factories, bars, restaurants, and hotels. This doesn't even take into account other areas ancillary to the production and consumption of alcohol."

Majority Leader Eric Cantor elaborated even further on the job creation aspects of the measure:

"Between 1982 – when many of the tough drunk driving standards were first implemented – and 2008, fatalities related to drinking and driving in the US dropped by nearly one half. That figure represents approximately 25,000 cars per year that do not need to be repaired or replaced as well as approximately 14,000 jobs of those killed that would otherwise become available. That's not even counting the police, EMT, and hospital employees that would otherwise be needed, not to mention those who manufacture medical supplies, undertakers, cemeteries, and their employees, tow truck operators – the list goes on and on."

GOP financial guru, Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan, while briefing reporters on the budget implications inherent in the proposed legislation, also announced plans to introduce an amendment to the bill which would provide tax incentives for servers of alcohol to locate their businesses in between schools, houses of worship, and senior communities and the nearest stop sign or traffic light.

"According to statistics compiled by my staff and submitted to the Congressional Budget Office, if only 10% of our country's bars offering daily two-for-one specials had a school, church, or senior residence located where departing patrons are just picking up speed, the first year alone would result in savings that would keep the current Medicare system solvent for an additional eight years as well as savings of between 10 and $15 billion per year in education costs. This doesn't include the billions of dollars in savings gleaned from funds currently dedicated to investigating, prosecuting, and incarcerating people of legal age for not only exercising their Constitutional right to consume alcohol, but also for aiding in our economic recovery at the same time."

Ryan and Cantor also joined with Speaker Boehner in praising Rep. Daniels for drafting what they described as "a visionary, no-nonsense, common sense piece of legislation," with Cantor adding, "The people spoke last November. They put the Republican Party in charge of the House of Representatives because they know that it is we who are the party of personal responsibility, except of course when it comes to marital fidelity or government spending under a Republican President. Among those they voted into office was a man from Tennessee with a very bright future, Rep. Jackson Daniels. I stand here today firm in my confidence that by November 2012, the American people are going to decide that they want a whole lot more Jack Daniels."