Reply #106: I ended a 30 year friendship in 2005

[MikeH]

It definitely sounds like it was the right and healthy thing for you to end your friendship, though it doesn't sound like he was really a particularly good friend. However even if he were a good friend it would have been quite appropriate for you to reevaluate your friendship. I don't think one can maintain a friendship with somebody whom one is not able to respect, and it definitely sounds like that is the case with this particular former friend.

I myself ended a 30 year friendship in 2005 after my friend voted for Bush a second time in 2004. I became friends with him in the mid 1970's when we were both students and both working at the same place at part time jobs that were sponsored by our state university. He was a fundamentalist Christian but did not fit the worst stereotypes of people of that persuasion. At the time I met him I was serious about Christianity but had problems with fundamentalist Christianity. He was accepting of that, and was also accepting when I later became unhappy with Christianity in general. He was actually a good friend; he was "there" for me many times over the years.

I was disappointed that my friend was going to vote for Bush in 2000 (anybody but Gore, and he was strongly against abortion), but I was willing to accept it at the time. However I was very much bothered when I got together with my friend in October 2004, and he indicated, without any hesitation, that he was going to be voting for Bush again. It bothered me that he did not seem to have any serious struggle with the idea of voting for Bush a second time, or any doubts or second thoughts.

I might have been able to accept it if my friend, even if for whatever reason he had problems with voting for Gore or Kerry, were unhappy with Bush in 2004 and had a hard time deciding whom to vote for and ended up voting for Bush. I expect I would have been very disappointed, but I probably would have been able to accept it and might still be able to discuss things with him. (Since we live in California, which went for Kerry, I would not have any problem with his vote having decided the election.) What really bothered me was that my friend had no hesitation in saying that he was going to be voting for Bush a second time.

And I was particularly bothered that my friend had supported the war in Iraq. He felt that it was right and necessary to oppose the brutal dictator Saddam Hussein, just like it would presumably have been right to stop Hitler in the 1930's and to (hopefully) prevent World War II.

However the one thing he said that really disturbed me was that he thought it was OK that we went into Iraq even though we did not find the purported weapons of mass destruction, because intelligence is not an exact science. To me that sounded like a way to excuse someone who was "his type" of pResident (i.e. ostensibly a fundamentalist Christian, against abortion, and did not have an affair in the White House like the immoral Clinton). I also seem to remember that he was not particularly bothered by reports of torture; I don't recall his reasons. (Incidentally I am very disturbed that Obama has continued the war policies of the Bush administration, and I think that what was wrong for Bush is also very wrong for Obama.)

In early 2005, being upset about Bush's second term, I e-mailed my friend to let him know that while I enjoyed our friendship in the past, I had to reevaluate whether I wanted to continue to be friends with him. I could not respect his politics any more. And even though I had serious issues with fundamentalist Christianity, I had previously been able to respect my friend despite his being a fundamentalist Christian. We were able to agree to disagree, and respect our differences about that matter. However I could not respect my friend's fundamentalist Christianity any more after he voted for Bush a second time. Even though my friend was himself not bigoted, intolerant, or "in-your-face", I could not accept my friend having unhesitatingly voted for the candidate who was strongly favored by those in the Religious Right who are these things.

I respected my friend otherwise but could not respect his religion or politics any more. I proposed to my friend that if we got together we could talk about old times, and about work, school, and people we both used to know. However I did not want to hear his thoughts about any controversial issue, and I did not want to hear about either my friend's or his family's church or Christian activities (and I said that to my friend knowing that his wife has a singing ministry that is very important to her). Sometimes limiting topics of conversation works with families.

As it turned out my friend and I mutually agreed to end our friendship. My friend did not want to maintain a friendship if his friendship was going to be reevaluated based on religious or political differences, or if we couldn't talk about certain things.

My friend and I ended our friendship on amicable terms, and we both agreed we could fondly remember our past relationship, and we exchanged best wishes for each other's futures.

I liked and respected my friend otherwise, but his voting for Bush a second time and being in favor of the Iraq War were not acceptable to me. And I especially could not and still cannot respect the religious faith of anybody who would support either Bush or the Iraq War.