Reply #21: My first post - Thoughts on this topic

[letmebefrank]

Hello - I have been lurking for 4 years, an official member for a little over a week, and grateful to this community beyond words that I can even think of using. This topic is very close to me as a gay man who's been in a stable loving relationship for 10-1/2 years. My partner and I have raised a son that he adopted (distant relative), who against all of the right-side's preconceived "odds" is now a freshman at Northwestern University, and is an amazing, stable, intelligent young man. And guess what - he's even straight - believe it or not!!

I hear a lot of pro-gay-marriage talk on this board, and although the idea obviously does appeal to me, I am uncomfortable or perhaps pessimistic about the way it's being done. My partner and I have experienced - a couple of times, problems that have arisen due to not being "legally married", for example not being able to sign paperwork at the hospital. But by and large we have lived together very comfortably in our western Chicago-Suburban WASPY setting. We don't feel like second-class citizens, but we are aware of the bigoted feelings toward us in certain circumstances. Our son went to a private, Catholic school, and believe it or not the people of the church community were, for the most part, very positive toward us. We actually made alot of great friends, and felt welcome at the different functions, whether they were school or church orientated. Now that is not to say that we didn't experience a degree of whispering behind our backs, but overall we never felt uncomfortable.

My trepidation toward "gay marriage" is a personal feeling that just the very TERM "gay marriage" is a large part of the problem in terms of moving our agenda forward. To me, what we really are seeking is equal treatment of our "union" in the eyes of the state and federal government. I feel that the term "marriage" conveys too much of a religious connotation, when in fact the actual "marriage" does not fulfill the need. In fact, many people do not realize that even gay couples who are married under California, or Massachusetts law, do NOT avail themselves of marriage-based rights under federal law. It's seems a quaint title that has been given to bless certain unions, but it lacks the substance.

On top of that, we have to realize that huge changes such as this are generally won by a series of small battles. This is not something that is going to change overnight. Yes the momentum has picked up over the past 5 to 10 years, there is no denying that. Amazing efforts have been made, and will continue to be. But I really think just the term "GAY MARRIAGE" is actually setting back our efforts of gaining the state and federal protections that are actually at the heart of the matter. In other words, if we were fighting for "CIVIL UNIONS" instead of "GAY MARRIAGE", would this not undermine the arguments and negative feelings of many of the people who currently do not support "gay marriage"?

I'm not sure if ANYTHING can whip the right wing evangelicals (and, mormons, apparently) into a frenzy faster than "Gay Marriage". Fighting for this "blessing" of our unions is actually setting back the true battle, which is (or in my mind should be) the rights that a federally or state-recognized Civil Union would convey. Furthermore, isn't "marriage" a religious ceremony? And are there not currently certain religions that will perform a gay "marriage ceremony" (however worthless in terms of civil rights or protections)?

I'm sure many will disagree with me. I just feel that we should completely get away from the fight for "gay marriage" and move ahead with a battle for protection of civil unions. The longer we insist on calling it "marriage" - the longer we have to wait for the true rewards of equal rights and protection under the law.