Reply #37: Your family is so similar to mine...

[CoffeeCat]

It's amazing how dysfunctional families follow the same playbook.

I grew up hearing my mother complain about how awful my father was. Now, when
I dare to bring how awful our home was or the pain he causes--my mother attacks
me and accuses me of "being overly sensitive" or "focusing on the negative". Like
you said, they "spin" the abuse.

One thing that I've realized about my mother--is that she is my father's partner in crime. She
positions herself as the victim of my father. However, she plays a role in perpetuating
the abuse dynamic between them. She's just as mean, and she's done nothing to give her
children a peaceful, happy life. She stays with him and forces her kids to endure a
total jerk. That's not an innocent victim--in my mind. My mother has not spoken to me
since I confronted my father about the sexual abuse of my childhood. My mother believed
my father and has not contacted me. It's been four years. There's no basis for
a relationship anymore. I'm happy to have moved on because they are both sick people.

It's hard with my siblings. I'm in contact with one of them, but I trust no one in the
family really. They all waffle between reality and complete denial. It's difficult to
have a relationship with people like that.

I'm glad you have found a new family of friends. That's so important. You are resourceful
and strong. So many people like us--who come from challenged backgrounds--find people we
love and trust and that is so courageous. I am married to an amazing man and we have
two adorable daughters. I consider myself the matriarch of a new, healthy family--and
that I have broken the cycle. Like you, my friends are invaluable.

My best wishes to you. I know how hard this is. I also know how much strength, peace
and enlightenment can be gained from healing from this type of a background.