Reply #53: I'm not suicidal

[pookieblue]

but there have been times, that I had wished I was dead or would die.

This might sounds funny or sad...depending on how you read it.

but I went over a checklist...

Couldn't OD because I have trouble swallowing pills. have to drink a lot of water/milk etc to swallow just one pill. so that was out.

hate guns, hate the loud noise they make. afraid I would just screw it up anyhow. and leave myself worse off.

Don't have a garage or a hose pipe. so offing myself that way was a no go.

Hate the site of blood..so cutting my wrists was out.

afraid of hights...so could't think of jumping off a tall building. wouldn't even be able to get near the edge.

but if I were told tomorrow I had something like cancer. I would not fight it.

That is what I told my doctor a few months ago.

No I am not suicidal. but I felt like dying the day, after I had an inident in the bathroom (won't go into details since it's TMI). I sat there on the bathroom floor crying begging God to kill me. I was embarassed and humliated at what happened to me. I was too embarassed to call my doctor even. I finally did call one of my friends and she talked to me and calmed me down.

It's not a matter of being "brite" as I posted further down in the post... Depression and MS go hand in hand. Ask any MS Neuro that. they will tell you.