Three Years Ago Today, the Chimp Declared:

[tgnyc]

Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Iraq regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised.

Oops.

{SNIP}

The danger is clear: using chemical, biological or, one day, nuclear weapons, obtained with the help of Iraq, the terrorists could fulfill their stated ambitions and kill thousands or hundreds of thousands of innocent people in our country, or any other.

And using powers of x-ray vision or, one day, telepathy, I could steal secret data from CIA records.

{SNIP}

The United States of America has the sovereign authority to use force in assuring its own national security.

Are we secure yet?

{SNIP}

Today, no nation can possibly claim that Iraq has disarmed. And it will not disarm so long as Saddam Hussein holds power. For the last four-and-a-half months, the United States and our allies have worked within the Security Council to enforce that Council's long-standing demands. Yet, some permanent members of the Security Council have publicly announced they will veto any resolution that compels the disarmament of Iraq. These governments share our assessment of the danger, but not our resolve to meet it. Many nations, however, do have the resolve and fortitude to act against this threat to peace, and a broad coalition is now gathering to enforce the just demands of the world. The United Nations Security Council has not lived up to its responsibilities, so we will rise to ours.

The Chimp was right. No nation could claim that Iraq had "disarmed," since it wasn't "armed" to begin with (not since the UN cleaned out the joint in the mid-'90's).

But check out where he calls the dissenting nations a bunch of bitches. Well, who's the bitch now, biyatch?

{SNIP}

Many Iraqis can hear me tonight in a translated radio broadcast, and I have a message for them. If we must begin a military campaign, it will be directed against the lawless men who rule your country and not against you. As our coalition takes away their power, we will deliver the food and medicine you need. We will tear down the apparatus of terror and we will help you to build a new Iraq that is prosperous and free. In a free Iraq, there will be no more wars of aggression against your neighbors, no more poison factories, no more executions of dissidents, no more torture chambers and rape rooms.

If we must begin a military campaign, it will be directed against the lawless men who rule your country and not against you -- not to say that we won't inadvertently blow your shit up too in the process. And we might accidentally waste your whole family as they drive past one of our invisible checkpoints.

We will deliver the food and medicine you need, unless you live in Fallujah during a period when we need to do some serious ass-kicking to sooth our wounded pride. Then you're shit-out-of-luck. But we promise: no more torture chamb -- uh...well...I mean: no more rape -- uh...well...uh -- Go Texas A&M!

{SNIP}

And all Iraqi military and civilian personnel should listen carefully to this warning. In any conflict, your fate will depend on your action. Do not destroy oil wells, a source of wealth that belongs to the Iraqi people. Do not obey any command to use weapons of mass destruction against anyone, including the Iraqi people. War crimes will be prosecuted. War criminals will be punished. And it will be no defense to say, "I was just following orders."

DO NOT DESTROY OIL WELLS, a source of wealth that belongs to Halliburton.

War crimes will be prosecuted, unless senior commanders or civilian leadership in the Defense Department commit them. Then it will be a defense to say, "I was just giving orders."
{SNIP}

Should Saddam Hussein choose confrontation, the American people can know that every measure has been taken to avoid war...

...and if you believe that, you might also want to know that I care about black people.

{SNIP}

Free nations have a duty to defend our people by uniting against the violent. And tonight, as we have done before, America and our allies accept that responsibility.

...uniting against the "violent." Pot, meet kettle.

Look out Iraq! America and our 3 allies are coming! And then one of them is gonna check out after about a year, but still...