Reply #17: Answers

[Solly Mack]

Do you think you were always that way?

Yes. Always that way.

or did you develop this in response to working in a male-dominated field?

I always bucked the male paradigm. (which is just another way of saying male established rules that benefit men, without regard to women.) Not work performance rules so much, though certainly those were tainted by sexism , but rules (accepted societal norms and mores) that resulted in a sexist environment. The "boys will be boys" attitude found in fields that were at one time dominated by men.See, if an attitude or environment was caused by sexism, then the paradigm is false to my thinking. Men claim women changed the rules. That's bull. Women didn't change the rules, the rules were always the same...women just started making men follow the rules. "Backlash" is nothing more than the spoiled child who is no longer getting their way.

If someone said "You have balls", I always replied that I don't need balls, I am a woman.

Did you have a strong male role model who encouraged you at an early age?

No. I was raised in a world of matriarchs. My mother was Tsa La Gi(Cherokee), and we still maintained the woman as head of family tradition. Men were never treated as second, however. We were taught to honor and respect our fathers...allowing for the fact that any family dynamic is complex, so there existed many shades of gray.

or a female role model you could relate to?

Most definitely. Strong women in my family.

Brother?

A single brother who had 3 sisters who never took any shit off of him.

Besides,I never looked to a man as a role model. I am female...a man can't teach me to be a woman. Nor would I be receptive to the man that tried. I did,however, have the greatest respect for my grandfather.

None of this means I didn't struggle with sexism in the work place, as well as the double standard. I just fought against it at every turn. I would rather lose a job than yield to sexism...and have. This doesn't make me special or unique or strong...this makes me incredibly stupid in a lot of ways. I won't play the game...there are penalties for not playing the game. Steep ones. Painful ones. I've paid that price, and not without internal conflict.


Women tend to ask nicely for things to get done....not because we aren't serious about getting a task completed, but because we see no reason to ask rudely. Men will be rude about it. As a consequence, a lot of times a male subordinate will blow us off...thinking it must not be urgent or we would have "told" them to "do it!" I still ask nicely. Because there is no reason to be rude. However, I have told men I have worked with that my asking is never a suggestion - it is a demand.

I think in order to change the false paradigm established by the good old boy network, and fact is, ALL male established work environments become a good old boy network, women don't need to change themselves, they need to work on changing the accepted thinking, without compromising who they are...(not an easy task and it's a constant struggle)

What we can do to help girls? (and boys)

Parents still raise boys and girls differently. Oh, I know liberals who would deny that, but then they turn around and say something that proves otherwise. Different curfew times tells a girl that she isn't able to handle herself and that she needs protection. You're not going to get an assertive daughter by sending her these messages. Besides, it blames the girl for the crimes of the sicko. Just as blaming manner of dress does.

The toys parents buy children says a lot about how they see the sexes.
Those afraid to allow boys to play with dolls...those that push dolls on their daughters when the daughter would rather play with cars...are setting up a lifetime of gender stereotyping that will affect self-confidence and how assertive a person will be...

If we pigeon-hole children, they'll grow up to be adults that buy into the gender stereotyping of what defines mans work/womans work. When either is capable of doing any job. A girl that wants to play with cars and tool belts will feel out of sorts because her desires don't meet her parents expectations. Same with boys. A child that grows up thinking something must be wrong with them will not be self-confident...they will not assert themselves to gain and meet their needs. They might become bullies....but that's low self-esteem and a negative expression of being assertive.


Being assertive comes down to self confidence, in my opinion. If you trust and believe in yourself, if you accept that you have something worthwhile to say and do,you seem assertive-but it's really just self-confidence. Men (some) have a different idea of what assertive means...and they have the wrong idea. Again, that false paradigm coming into play.

Men and women have different styles, it is fair to say...but men tend to think their style is the only way....whch is why they are wrong and one of the reasons the paradigm is false...

Young girls and women do benefit from classes in understanding their own style of being assertive. That it isn't wrong or bad...that it is effective. Men benefit from the same classes because they learn their way isn't the only way.

But that's just one aspect of the "competition" (assertive/aggressive) factor. Other stereotypes come into play, and they compound the problem.

"Crying is weak"
"Women don't think logically"
"Women can't do math"
"Women aren't good in science"
"Did you see the size of her breasts?"
"Calm down"
"Don't be hysterical"
"Look At her ass"
"Don't get emotional"
" Be reasonable"
"Did you hear the one about the blond that..."



Women are fighting ALL of that at the SAME time.

good gracious, I'm rambling.. :)

Not changing anything though...maybe I'll formulate a concise thought once the rambling runs it's course. lol