Reply #5: I'm going to be in your position for decades to come.... but I think I have some solutions.

[The Doctor.]

They aren't easy ones.

My now ex told me everything I wanted to hear, and nothing I needed to hear. I recognized this some years before the divorce, and started to tell her that a marriage can't work that way.

It got worse.

To my face, she'd tell me she'd 'stick around forever', and would 'never leave'.

To her friends and family she called me a monster... why?

Because I told her things she needed to hear, like; "I'll stop punishing the children for going into your purse when you stop bringing cocaine home in it."

And; "Yes I took the keys and stopped you from driving away because you're drunk.

As well as every time I brought up any behavior of hers that was destructive. That made ME the monster.


She did not want to face what she was and grow up, so instead, she lied to me, lied about me, betrayed me, abandoned me, perjured herself, etc.


My solution?


Never lower my standards ever again. I thought she had 'potential', but she had fooled me. Told me all the right things.

Look for/test for introspection; ask them about the things they've done and why. If they cannot explain actions that may have been 'emotional responses', then they are likely a sort of person that will cover up self-awareness. They are likely going to lie.

That's basically what the insecure tend to do.


In women; look for athletics and mastery of logistics.

In men; look for a willingness to confront their emotional and structural failings.

I know this seems a bit disjunct; but it's a very good set of guidelines I understood from behaviorism years ago... and I sadly ignored due to an unfortunate subjectivity... I knew better.


You CAN trust again, I promise you.

The problem is deciding what it will take to do so. I have my own criteria, and I am willing to accept that my criteria might disqualify a woman who might otherwise be the love of my life.

I am willing to accept the possibility of being without a partner for the rest of this life.

I will not 'settle' ever again.

Do not settle.