People just don't understand depression...

[SemiCharmedQuark]

There is a huge backlash against it. People say I'm bowing down to corporate america. They say I'm weak for "getting the quick fix". They have no idea.

The funny thing about depression is, you never FEEL sick. You just feel like you're in a pit and you can't get out. I remember feeling like I wanted to die, but I was too much of a coward to do it. I felt more cowardly than the people too cowardly to live their own lives. So when they started putting me on medication, Paxil at first, and asked me if I felt better, I would say that I was, even though I was not. I have the scars where I carved a word into myself that testify to that fact. I look at my arm now and there are only traces of the word. Thank God it healed.

The thing is, when doctors would put me on a drug, the best they could do would ask me if it was working. I couldn't answer them. I could describe how I felt to a certain extent (less sleepy, more dizzy, more dry mouth) but I could not say whether I felt less depressed. I guess a good analogy would be that you never feel yourself growing taller. You just look back one day and realize you used to be shorter. However, if someone asked you every 2 weeks if you felt taller, you would probably say no.

You can trace my grades with my medications. Great...good...worse...bad...bad...(change doctor here)better...better...(start screwing around with drugs here)worse...worse...worse..better...better...better(doctor leaves here, so get new doctor who cuts ALL of my effexor off, from 300-0mg)worse worse worse (start new doctor here who puts me back on old medications)better...better...

I'm stabilized now (I think), but I don't know if Im living at full potential or not. I'm scared to death to change my medications and risk the adjustment period. The adjustment period for any change in medication is 6 weeks. Then if it has not worked, it is another six weeks to change it.

Im going to school to be a vet. As it is, depression and its treatments have added 3 years to my schooling. I know I'm not stupid. I've got a high IQ and an SAT of 1490. I know deep down inside that Im NOT stupid. But it's hard to explain why you are 3 years older than your classmates. I feel stupid. I firmly believe that what you FEEL sometimes dictates your life more than the actual facts.