ever have someone else's insecurities

[undergroundpanther]

devour your small joys.

My roommate is that kind of person I think.I find myself hoping she moves out sooner rather than later..She has has a one up man-ship issue and I know damn well she can stop it, I have told her to stop it.she did for awhile. Guess I got to prompt her again.It's getting old this prompting shit..She has to one up any accomplishment I do,that I feel means something to me. Also she just HAS to one up any pain I feel. If my back is hurting me so bad I am going to my room to avoid getting others worried or because it makes me want to scream, she says she has not only 'been there' but had it so much worse too.She says this when I express pain or feel like I am doing something meaningful to me.So I say nothing .The pain I go to my room and cry to myself.My accomplishments or whatever I say nothing.

Something about her is so toxic it makes me feel sick inside,I am at home alone like I am more times than not.She is out with my friends.I haven't heard boo from them,for a week .Today they came over I was cooking my food,So I shared my dinner,they hung around mostly with my roommate. I felt like chopped liver,then they and my roommate left. I had a load of dishes to do.That was really thoughtful wasn't it? I don't need this shit.I have had enough.
I'm not sharing anymore with anyone until they share with me.

I had just begun to rekindle the friendships,with these friends and I find my roommate is a friend stealer like the other one was.I am so angry,depressed, hurting inside and in my back(from washing dishes) and I feel like every time I try to reach out to rekindle friendships,or I find something meaningful to do, I get everything taken away from me by some manipulating asshole somewhere.

I had an MRI today. I had to lay flat on my back,the pain was so bad I was trying not to twitch, gasp or cry so they could get the thing done.It took 40 minutes.It was awful, because it just really pissed off the neuropathology I have.I am forced to sleep only on my left side.Any other way the pain is so severe and I am so tired of hurting.I don't say much about it because who wants to hear about my back pain.So I talk on other topics most of the time.But I let people know it is hurting.

My biggest fear right now is that as I get older my body will become fucked up worse and worse and I will have my relationships stolen, until I get too disheartened to try and lose again. I will be alone,hurting alone,die alone,and through it all I will still have to maintain this fucking house, and the yard and shit,I never wanted to be stuck with all this load of responsibility alone, and to be trapped in a town I hate,living beyond my means in a culture I can't stand..
Mom won't ever come home here,she is in virginia hoping her arm loan doesn't fuck her over..I am in limbo.

I hate my life it hurts too much to live sometimes.
There is no one I can call because its the FUCKING holidaze,I hate holidays, I hate weekends there's nowhere to turn, no one out there..I am so weary.

I just wish I was good enough to be worth something to someone who wasn't an asshole or manipulator or user that was deeper than superficialness.I wish I could be wanted or loved too,cherished like I was not an means to an end. But I'm not apparently good enough to be loved or attractive enough,or skinny enough or a specific ez gender,to people I would want to be around too.I feel so alone and fucked up and I can't do shit about it. I try I reach out,I swallow my depression and dread and try to let it all fade and I do,but eventually some asshole out of nowhere ruins it all.I guess I am missing that stuff almost everyone else seems to have that makes them appear to be worth investing time into and being around.

I would be overjoyed if someone I knew were to call me up one day to say ,hey,panther lets go on an adventure, go somewhere, do something fun..try something,new, see what happens,and create a good memories..

All my life I have been misunderstood scapegoated hurt,always an outsider,too threatening, an alien ,a novelty to be tossed aside later when a new different person charms them,I must be the least charming person in the world,so often I am left out,abandoned ,always something gets in the way.

Online friends are not like friends that you hook up with in person,people on DU are scattered across the world.I will never see or meet most of you who read my posts.I hate that .I hate the web sometimes because when I meet someone online they seem so near but in reality they are on the opposite coast of this country or something...It kinda hurts. The unrequited friendships the net fosters ,hurts me sometimes because after I turn off the computer I am still here,alone in this house.


Here,I am constantly cleaning up,the roommates know the rules about this,I remind them. Yet by their ACTIONS they still don't care,they let it pile up they are so busy,they claim,and I know damn well they aren't that busy.They talk blah blah I'll do it later.Later never comes..Standing and washing dishes hurts so I put my elbows on the sink to lessen the pressure on my back, sweeping and mopping up with a swiffer mop, I will spend the night whimpering.

I as of now wish I could get a bucket ,water and cleanser and really clean the fucking nearly white kitchen floor(who in the FUCK puts a WHITE FLOOR in a KITCHEN!!!!if you give it a dirty look it's dirty!!) I am physically fucked up. I can't maintain this fucking house much longer by myself and no one..Not my roommates, my mom,my counselor,my shrink or therapist HEARS ME on this issue.It is A LOT of work maintaining a house.Keeping it clean & functioning.It all goes in one ear out the other, or I'll get told to drink warm milk or something stupid like that..I know my sisters don't hear or care about me really,yet it still hurts, it's only when mom gets on their ass they bother to see me at all.When mom dies I will probably never see them again.

I know when mom goes I will have no one that cares about me.And I am terrified.Terrified because my body is torturing me.I wish I could get a new body a good body,one that was strong,healthy,that was not hurting,fat,broken,injured,One that could run ,see,one that was not ugly and fat, not female not ugly.

My roommates..they don't seem to have real empathy beyond a superficial,magical thinking kind of ego trip they are on,it's weird but it seems all the rage these days out here it seems to say you are an empath,and not demonstrate you are because the narcissism gets in the way.. but they talk all day about how fucking empathic they are,but they are not empathic . It's annoying to me.Yet for all that bragging they do not bother to notice I am in pain doing THEIR dishes,cleaning their old crap out of the fridge etc.And it is wearing me down, pissing me off and making me hate.When they help me it is rare, but I am thankful and tell them so.But the problem is it is so rare.

One has lived here around 4 years and still the gutters are growing small trees out of them,like the first day I asked him to clean them,but now they are saplings.How in the hell am I gonna get the bulky heavy ladder out of the shed,carry it to the house, hope the wood isn't rotted or something,climb up and clean the gutters out while in this kind of pain? I can't. I have to mow the lawn with a wet bandanna on my face and take three benadryl before I get started,the grass pollen closes up my lungs with mucus to the point I am gasping.I can't do it. and I can't afford to pay someone to do it.So I made it part of the "rent dues"is to help out with maintaining the house.Both agreed they would help me. But they help very little.

My mom reminds me about the house she tells me the furnace filters need changing,that the gutters got to be taken care of,on and on the chore list never ends,the money vanishes ..So when I tell the able bodied construction worker roommate I have here that the gutters got to get done,he never has the time.But he does have time.He just doesn't care..
I remind him but he never follows through.Neither does she.she makes a mess of the toilet,fails to clean it.It is truly revolting.She washes dishes and they are greasy with food on them when she is done.She is lazy..

I never wanted to be their goddamn mommy.WTF??!!They are both ADULTS.They are not in pain like this.I know they could care less how much of a pain in my ass they make themselves be.I am beginning to think it's not worth staying here anymore.I feel sometimes like getting some of my shit together and moving out onto the street.And trying to get section 8 again outside this fucking nowhere county so I can live within my means,and get away from the toxic people.

I can't take this bullshit over and over anymore. WTF is wrong with me? WTF is wrong with these people?
I want out of this situation, but there is nowhere and no one to run to.Besides I can't run anymore.Too fat ,too much pain.