Reply #6: One thing you didn't know about last night

[undergroundpanther]

Ok, since you are now talking about doing things that could potentially harm you, (ie. cutting a microchip out of yourself), AND because of the sudden change in the post below from despair to elation it's sort of in my moral code thing to say:

1) You've gotta be careful; this time of yourself. The fact that you are thinking about pain is usually an indicator of something like adrenalin - which means something may be clouding your thinking.

Uh I think I know why I am one step closer to male chest reconstruction I have been waiting years to get .I had an appointment today with DR Fischer so I was psyched. I am very happy this is being done. And I think the joy was bleeding in.I was happy and pissed off last night at the same time over two very different things.

2) As an extension, please find someone else, a referee if you will, and promise yourself you won't cut yourself or do anything of the sort until you've talked it over with them. Again, you need to make sure the stress of this situation has not put you over an edge. Hell, looking at losing my health care would be very dangerous for my state of mind, so I'm guessing you are similar.

Well My therapist hasn't told me to prepare myself for a confrontation yet.So this might be a ways down the future.I don't know.

Basically, I've always had a problem where expectation of something can blur with it really happening - I just don't want that to happen with you. Always remember, it's the hardest to tell if you are really in trouble when you are really in trouble.

Sometimes but one thing you might not know my system has alot of safety mechanisms inside it to protect me.If things get out of hand the body freezes to protect us.I can cope with pretty much anything because I have been through some nasty shit.. it might not be expressed in a typical way I might say stuff that disturbs people that don't know me but if I were to deny what I felt and did not make pseudo plans and work out my issues on this and not say it I would be harming myself more.For me it is vital I connect and express if I don't then I will be unprepared to deal with it because I failed to think and express emotions on many levels if and when it does occur.

I just wanted to say that; I'm not saying something is wrong with you, I just want to make sure I've done the right thing if it's not.

That's cool I'm ok.

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That aside, us sciencey people talk. Kill as many as they want - any Molecular Biology student could send enough data over the internet to the various specialists in other countries that the whole scam would be uncovered.

After all, it is really only RW bulldust when they say America is really scientifically advanced.

Yeah I know.I remember in third grade we had to do a science report..
Mine was a whole presentation. I rented a projector microscope from my sisters college teacher(he let me sit in on her classes and I loved it.) and understood it too. I had a college reading level in second grade.I was one of those gifted kids that thought it was my problem,people couldn't understand for years. In my report I got some quicksilver mercury and hydrochloric acid from the college lab,two tiny vials . I signed it out with my sister I knew how to handle it too.For I had taken my sisters chemistry and biology classes by proxy .And so I taught my 3rd grade class about the reactions,about mercury being a metal it's atomic structure and why it's so heavy ect..I called my report the "mercury monster". I was Drawing the chemical structures of mercury and hydrochloric acid on the black board with multicolored chalk..Going on and on about it all as the reaction did the fireworks on the projector.I had an apron on and gloves goggles ..And when it was all over I was sure the class would have been amazed as I was over it.But the class was silent they had NO CLUE what the hell I was talking about,the teacher was slack jawed and I felt really humiliated because I didn't understand WHY they reacted like that and I didn't know so I blamed myself..And began to hide my mind to avoid humiliation. But I couldn't help it, If I was into something be it biology ofparamecium, bird populations in my area,toad defense systems,flatworm regeneration, photosynthesis or anything else..I was fascinated by it and I still have this insatiable thirst to learn all I can .Now I'm not ashamed of it.I have trouble regurgitaing what I know it gets locked in my head..but I understand it.I wish my life was not so filled with abuse and ignorant people. My therapists always tell me they think what happened to me was tragic, they wished there were gifted schools in my area in the 70's I would have loved it and been appreciated for what I knew and my mind.
Who knows where that might have led. It makes me sad too.