Reply #4: The path I've traveled:

[LWolf]

I don't know how to separate the path I've traveled through the book from the path I've traveled through my life. So I just set the BOL down in the journey:

I am the only child of a single parent. A parent who cut herself off from family members, for good reason, before I was born. There were a couple of loving family members who died when I was a young child; other than that, just she and I. No extended family. At all. Ever. We moved all the time; I attended 10 schools K - 12th grade. She worked 1 or 2 or 3 jobs, or whatever it took, to keep us going. I was a latch-key kid before there was such a term. I grew up with a friend here and there, who always got "left behind" the next move. My best, most constant friends were my books, my cats, and my little mustang mare; a miracle for a child in my circumstances. It's a story of isolation from "the norm."

I've never "fit." I don't relate to others well. American culture didn't "take" well with me. I've had a lifetime of social struggles. For many years, I always figured that my isolation left me ignorant; that everybody else knew how people were supposed to be, and if I joined them, I would learn. I would learn about families, social relationships, etc.. So I lived my way through 2 failed marriages, 2 kids, and some social/community/spiritual groups. Every single time, I was sure that I was learning whatever I'd "missed," and that the others knew more than I. And I ended up disappointed; all of the reservations and the contradictions I suppressed kept coming to the fore. A huge, devastatingly painful shift of my life happened in 2001. For Tarot readers, picture the tower card. Change that I feared, change I resisted, swept through my life in 2 devastating waves. And I started waking up.

But still, I kept thinking that everyone else knew more than I did. That I was here to learn, and that I had been failing my lessons. So I applied myself to the lessons with more determination. And at the beginning of 2003, I started to doubt the lessons. I separated myself from the people I was "learning" from, and spent some time in introspection. And then in depression; a sort of giving up. I decided that I was the problem, not the systems I couldn't seem to fit. I resigned myself to isolation; I'd tried fitting so many systems, and it never worked. I blamed myself. By June of 2004, I was exhausted, physically ill, and spiritually numb. When I was released from work for the summer, I rested. I started reaching out to my life again. Not to other people; just to my life. Slowly, but surely, energy started flowing again. Things started getting done.

I started feeling better, more hopeful, and looking ahead. I knew I wasn't operating on all cylinders yet, but I was moving forward. My big focus was how to maintain my health and energy when I had to return to work. I was following MR discussions, and hoped some sort of "Sacred Space" threads would return. When the BOL discussion threads started, I joined. I got my book the first week of September.

I read slowly, one chapter at a time. I made sure I was reading when I was not too tired to ponder or "connect;" so I read mostly on weekends. I started responding. I was interested, and playing with the information I was getting, until I hit Chapter 4. Chapters 4 - 7 just filled me. I saw myself differently; instead of the isolated child who just couldn't "fit," I saw why I didn't fit. I saw the control structures built into all of those systems, and realized that, for whatever reason, I've spent a lifetime resisting them. And that my pain and trouble has always come out of doubt or fear that led me to "try on" the systems.

I saw that I'd always "known" some things, and that I needed to learn to trust myself.

These chapters also directly addressed issues I was consciously working on before I opened the book; Chakra opening/balancing, guides, and shaping and focusing my thoughts to match my intent; removing the patterns of anger, fear, etc. from my mind. I felt that I was coming home.

I know that there is more than one path to ascension; I feel like I've walked for a time on several. I've gained some things, and then moved on to something else. In the NOW, I'm right where I am supposed to be.

This year is bringing many more changes; another year of transformation. This time, instead of resisting, I'm stepping out to meet them. I'm counting on a smoother process. I'm listening to my "little voice" instead of doubting it.

And I'm moving forward. These days, I feel like a lamp with a faulty connection; it isn't always "on." It flickers. And I'm working now to strengthen the connection; to make the light shine steadily without interruption.