Reply #9: My excuse(s)

[Mabus]

It had wondered/worried about the weather but I was willing to overlook it and make the voyage in the 50 mph winds. Around 2 p.m. we got an e-mail from hubby's ex telling us that we needed to fill out the financial aid forms for one of the kids for next year. No problem, right? Wrong, the form was due Monday. We weren't sure if there was a time cut-off so we figured at most that we had a few hours to get together the information needed and get then get the form filed. We sucked it up and got working, pulling old tax returns (and half way doing our taxes for this year) and trying to access the form so we could fill it out (we finally figured out we needed to use Internet Explorer to see the fields we needed to fill out to access the form). In the middle of this fun, we also had to get my husband ready (and out the door) in time to teach his afternoon class. That meant I got to look up all the information and file the form by myself. :( When hubby left we were still expecting to make it to KC. If anything I looking forward to an evening of good company and a beer or two. Then I got a phone call that changed everything.

One of my best friends in the whole world lives in California. We were roommates and, in many ways, he is a soul mate. We'd be perfect for each other except I'm straight and he's not. We met at work and over the years we've helped each other through school, seen each other through some broken romances and cruised a lot of bars together. Over 90% of my telephone time is spent with him. So, sorry guys, as much as I love my fellow DU'ers I have to be here for my friend especially when he calls me up with the most gut wrenching sobs that I have ever heard and needs to talk. If this is a good enough excuse for you then stop. If you want to know what was going on, here is the story behind that phone call.

I need to back up a couple of days. My buddy (I'll call him Brian) called Friday afternoon. His old boyfriend (I'll call him Paul), the man he had wanted to spend the rest of his life committed suicide. Paul was in the NG and had been trying to get out of it for a while. He had been deployed to Iraq twice and when he returned this last time he began self-medicating with alcohol. We will never know what he saw or did, all we knew was that he wasn't the carefree guy that Brian had fallen in love with years ago. Paul had descended into a depression that seemed to get deeper every day.

A few months ago Paul was admitted to a mental hospital and was placed on "suicide watch" after one botched attempt. He was recently released from the hospital and was trying to figure out what he was going to do with his life when he left the NG. His release was still "in process" and he was afraid he'd get deployed before the paperwork came through. So it was good news when Paul called Brian a couple of weeks ago and asked Brian if he could move in with him and sort out his life. Brian was excited about it and said "yes" without hesitation. They'd been working on the details and arrangements since then. Last Thursday afternoon Paul called Brian and said he had mailed off the first boxes of his stuff. Naturally Brian called me and we breathed a sigh of relief that Paul was going to be all right. He would basically be moved to California by the time the release papers came. The next day Brian called to tell me that Paul had succeeded in a second suicide attempt. Yep, Paul killed himself this past Friday, on Veteran's Day.

As you can imagine Brian and I have been talking almost constantly since Friday afternoon shortly after he found out that Paul was dead. I told him that he could call me anytime and he has taken me up on it. He sometimes forgets about the two hour time difference. So I've been a little loopier than usual lately as Brian and I go through this news. I called Lauren, my Ditch Witch friend, who was out in California protesting Colin Powell's appearance with Cindy Sheehan so I called her to see if she could check on Brian. She used to work at a crisis center and, while she wasn't able to see Brian in person, she's been a great comfort to both of us.

Anyway, and here's my excuse for not making it Tuesday night, Brian called Tuesday afternoon. He had finally lost it when the first shipment of Paul's things arrived at his house. It hit Brian really hard. He'd actually been in the middle of making arrangements to get off work to go to Paul's funeral when the box was delivered. I spent most of the evening on the phone talking to Brian. I really would have rather been with all of you but I had an emergency.

Have I told you how much I fucking hate Bush and his cronies that have sent our family members, friends and neighbors over to Iraq?

While I will never know why Paul killed himself, a large part of me will always blame that fucking cocksucker Bush. Paul's first deployment took him out of a loving relationship, into war and then into therapy. His second deployment destroyed what there was left of him and drove him to suicide. I will never know what Paul was exposed to, what he saw, what he knew or how many friends and loved ones he lost.

I don't know if Paul was even aware that he was committing suicide on Veteran's Day. We've just chalked it up as another of the many ironies of Paul's life.

Yesterday, when the MSM was reporting what we already knew, that Cheney met with energy executives, I remembered the talk about the pre-war maps that had divvied up the Iraqi oil fields between the various companies and I wanted to scream. IS THIS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT - OIL?!? It isn't worth it. All the oil in the world isn't worth one life much less over 2,000 of them. And fuck that number! This war and this so-called president have killed more troops than the current "official" death toll will count. How many hundreds of thousands of lives have been destroyed so that monkey could strut around in his flight suit and smirk at us?

Until my dying day, I will believe that Bush destroyed Paul's life by declaring this unjust and unholy war. And now, Paul's death has devastated those who loved him.

Sorry for the rant. I feel better now. I wasn't going to say anything but then I just felt the need to get this out of my system. I was telling MuseRider the other day about some of the fun stuff that's been going on in my life lately. It has been :crazy: to say the least. And just as things were leveling out for me, this happens. Oh well. Life goes on and there are so many good things to look forward to in the future. For instance, I got coffee in bed this morning and then had a long, wonderful walk with the three dogs and my husband; the BFEE continues its downward spiral; Woodward is ducking the press; I've got family and friends coming in for Thanksgiving beginning this weekend; and my Jayhawk basketball team is looking good!


FWIW, Brian is on his way to the funeral right now. He's meeting all of Paul's RW fundie relatives who told Paul that he was going to "rot in hell", called him a "sodomite" and blamed him and his lifestyle (like he had a choice?!?) for the upcoming Apocalypse. Thankfully Paul's mom and stepdad aren't like the rest of the family. Paul's mom was the one who called Brian and told him that Paul was dead. She was very supportive of their relationship and Brian has always spoken highly of her. Anyway she was the one who invited Brian to the funeral because she still considered Brian part of their family.