Reply #49: Message from a right winger…

[breadandwine]

I just received yet ANOTHER cryptic message by carrier pigeon from Stella, that right winger from Texas! ---


"Lesson fer Libruls Number 4:

Dang! Dang an’ dagnabit! All right you lilly liver! Now get this up straight! Bama ain’t got no fight in his belly! It’s me again, Smashmouth. Stella the TEXAN again from big ole TEXAS, moron. FerGIT about ‘Bama winnin’ all them contests. Them’s just WIMPY states! An’ DC ain’t even a state! It don’t matter cuz Texas is Hillry’s firewall. How’s Bama gonna win Texas with the Latino vote an’ all? Bama’s only got one ethnic group, buster. Does a leopard change its spots??? ‘Nuf said! An’ Ohio is gonna be Bama’s DOOMSDAY. Guvner’s fer Hillry, an’ all them ‘lectrical vote machines, vote TABULATORS, all them lil electrons zippin’ around faster an’ a speedin’ lightnin’ bolt! You ever hold an electron in her hand? All them one-arm-bandit Vegas vote machines. Ever see a pinball machine? All them dazzlin’ lights make ya push the wrong lever. Ever catch a moonbeam in yer hand? No way ta check up on all them SUBATOMIC PARTICLES zippin’ around. Perfect fer hackin’ inta. NSA boys uh take care o’ THAT! You KNOW you can’t beat the MACHINE. Why you think VEGAS makes money an’ you DON’T? You’ll never beat the house, buster. Now smores about the MONEY. Hillry raked in seven million bucks! Seven million! Seven, count ‘em seven MILLION! Loanin’ money ta the campaign, not payin’ staffers? FerGIT it! Hillry’s got NEW BLOOD in the campaign with Maggie Williams. An how’s Bamer gonna raise money from all them little Lilliputian DOUGH-nators! Thirty-two million? That money fell off a truck! Ain’t never gonna happen again! So fergit the whole dang thirty-two million thing! He only wins caucus states cuz he’s got them hippie squads o’ grass roots organizers! Ta all you ‘Bamaniks, grassroots organizin’ don’t mean NUTHIN’! Grass? Isn’t that what they call marijuana? Nuf said. Ahm gonna lay it on the line again fer all you dumb libruls and THIS time I’m nailin’ it on the head, buster boy. First things first. Nominate Hillry. SHE’S THE ONE YOU NEED. FOLLOW ORDERS AN’ NOMINATE HER. You’ve HEARD the cry of the people, right on her town hall infomercial! It was NOT scripted. So listen to REAL PEOPLE an’ vote fer the little drummer girl. Cuz the GOP needs someone with a rubber band smile and no ideas ‘cept what she got from ‘Bama to run against so we can take back the REAL hill, CAPITOL Hill, after you LIBRULS stole it. We’re stealin’ it BACK fair an square, donkey face. And MIGHT I ADD she’ll be puttin’ up Carville as the new DNC head. Say goodbye ta the 50 state strategy, cuz you Dermacrits belong confined ta a few coastal states or what I call BANTUSTANS. Nuthin’ like a good quarantine to isolate a Dermacrit outbreak. And never mind about Hillry’s staff in a panic over a string o’ losses! Repeat after me: FIREWALL. I said FIREWALL. F.I.R.E.W.A.L.L. THAT’S what Texas an’ Ohio is and you KNOW you won’t win THERE. Ahm just lookin’ forward ta yooz cryin’ yer lil eyeballs out when you hit that Texas an’ Ohio backstop. Bill a be campaignin’ in Texas ta bring home the bacon fer Hillry. Trust Bill. He’s Superdog. An’ stop worryin’ about Hillry firin’ her campaign manager, Patti Solis Doyle, long-time leader of Hillaryland, the Ceasar-ess of Friends Of Hillary! You jus’ shutcher face and don’t think about it. Patti wasn’t fired. She was EXCESSED from the office! Got nuthin’ ta do with her bein’ MEXICAN so stop playin’ the race card. Things are FINE in Hillaryland! Just FINE! Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE you libruls! I love you ta pieces! I am so lookin’ forward ta Hillry gettin’ the nomination! Just like Ann Coulter’s votin’ fer Hillry! Now you march ta the votin’ booth RIGHT this minute an’ do what Stella says, Vote fer WONDER WOMAN. She can’t lose. Pay no attention to Whitewater, Madison Guaranty, Susan McDougal, Rose Law Firm, Filegate, Robert Fiske, Kenneth Starr, the cattle futures scandal, photos of Hillry smoochin’ it up with Yasser Arafat’s wife, uranium deal in Kazakhstan, Pardongate, sellin’ the Lincoln bedroom, Clinton’s third term, travelgate, Vincent Foster’s suicide, Bill gettin’ impeached, skirt chasin’ all OVER the White House, Monica’s dress, Monicagate 24/7/365 and all the rest of it! But ahm openin’ up a can o’ LOSER JUICE 5000 all over Bama cuz we got NUTHIN’ on Hillry! You ferGIT about all that cuz Hillry’s a SYMBOL! That’s all you need ta know. Besides. After that internet contest ta pick her CAMPAIGN SONG you just KNOW she’s WITH IT on the internets! Trust Hillry ta protect net freedom! DLC? That stands for DO LOVE CLINTON! Ever hear the expression “Don’t fire till you see the whites of her eyes” --- I mean the whites of THEIR eyes, papaya mouth? Well fergit it. We Republicans would NEVER go dirty on Hillry! What, you think we’re just waitin’ till she gets the nomination? We LOVE Hillry! We can’t WAIT fer her ta get the Dem nomination! We just love her ta pieces! THAT’S why Rupert Murdoch loves her so much! All his hostin’ her and donatin’, an’ all? You think he’s got somethin’ up his sleave? Course not! He just loves her out o’ the goodness of his blushing little heart! I say the goodness of his blushing little heart!! Ya hear me? The goodness of his blushing little heart!! Pay no attention ta all them LEFTISTS tellin’ yuz that Hillry’s road kill in the fall. If we had dirt on Hillry, how come we didn’t FIND any? Now I been hearin’ yuz callin’ Hillry “Cruella deHill.” Now you shutcher trap! Hillry’s the nicest candidate there ever wuz! Race card? Fergit it! Trust a Texan! She never pulled no race card! Cuz McCain’s a geezer an we need somebody really LOATHESOME on the Dermacrit side to bring out all us Death’s Head Republicans ta the polls ta vote! Bama’s a nobody but we got a dossier on Hillry the size o’ Fort Knox, motor mouth. Ya know why yer a motor mouth? Cuz you won’t shut up, biker breath! But the Repubs? We’re nice, polite an’ quiet! You think we’re gonna be runnin’ anti-Hillry ads day an’ night? NEVER! Mentionin’ Hillry in all our fund raisin’ appeals? Don’t be ridiculous. Hey. We don’t even CARE about money! We’re too NICE ta use that big dossier we got on Hillry! We would never USE it because --- WE LOVE HILLRY. An’ one more thing. About them SUPERDELEGATES. You don’t REALLY think the GROWNUPS is gonna let a bunch o’ commie pinko lefty kiddies start runnin’ off with the party, now do you? Listen ta Ann Coulter. No time ta think! March ta the slaughterhouse RIGHT THIS MINUTE and nominate Hillry! Because: We. Love. Hillry. Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss. You better love her too. Trust me. Trust Stella the Texan. With Hillry you can’t lose. So vote fer Hillry."

I still haven't figured out what to send back to Stella by carrier pigeon....