Announcing the Best New Government Program Since 1984!!!

[The Donkey]

Over the past few weeks we've all been listening to Bush apologists defend his recent illegal spying activities. For those of you who don’t know, the administration has been spying on American citizens without going through the legal process of obtaining a search warrant before doing so. He's even bypased FISA, a special legal court that has rapidly approved all but four of over 19,000 warrant requests since its inception in 1978.

The “premise” of these spying activities is apparently for national security purposes. However, we haven’t been informed of who among us has been spied upon. Not to worry, though – you can trust the Bush administration to always work on behalf of the best interests of the country as a whole – I think their track record speaks for itself on this issue.

Supporters of the president say that such measures are considered legal according to the Patriot Act. Now I’m the first to admit that I haven’t read the entire text of that bill (and neither has 99% of congress for that matter), but I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing in there that suspends the 4th Amendment to the Constitution (not the one about alcohol – the one that guarantees us all a right to privacy, silly). Even if the Patriot Act tried to alter our Constitution, it would have had to undergo a different approval procedure in order to get passed.

One argument I’ve heard in support of this illegal behavior is that domestic spying is a necessary tool in the war on terror. I’ve also heard that if this program were in place prior to September 11, 2001, the terrorist attacks may have been prevented. This might be true, but I fully believe that they also could have been prevented if the president would have read his Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB) a month prior to September 11 titled “Bin Laden Determined To Strike In U.S.” – which kinda spelled out what was going to happen anyway.

Fox News personality (I refuse to call anyone over at Fox a "journalist") Tony Snow has stated on the air that he knows that the president is only using his spying powers on "bad guys". I have yet to hear what his definition of "bad guy" is, nor have I heard any proof from him that illustrates upon whom the administration is actually conducting surveillance. But he does work for Fox News – so I think it’s safe to assume that he knows all the inside poop.

Even on progressive talk shows, callers seem to pop up on the air that support this recent wave of spying. The most common argument falls along the lines of "If you have nothing to hide, then you shouldn't care who spies on you", or "The only ones who complain about spying are those people who don't want to get caught doing something wrong".

If you're one of these apologists - I'd like to propose the creation a program that will allow you to put your money where your mouth is. I will call it the “I’ve Got Nothing To Hide!” Act.

Under this wonderful new voluntary program, you can allow the government complete access to your home at all times. They can install multiple cameras in every room of your house (including the bathroom). You can also make a key for them so that they can come and go as they please. In addition, you will maintain a diary/journal that you can turn in on a daily basis so that they can monitor all of your out-of-house activities.


Yeah Right – In My Dreams!!!

For those of you who are really eager to help out, you could even wear a recording device that allows the government to listen to any conversation you may have during the course of your day. You could even share your inner-most thoughts by stating them clearly into the microphone during down-time.

What do you say? If you really do have nothing to hide, then you should be one of the first in line to volunteer for this great program! What better way to show your patriotism and loyalty by giving up any shred of privacy that you may have left?

Just think about it! This program will finally get rid of all terrorist influences in our country, so that we can all finally be safe. Those who don't sign up to be completely observed and recorded on a 24/7 basis obviously have something to hide, and likely hate America to boot. We can simply arrest them without cause and keep them jailed without charge for as long as we want. We don't want to do it, but it's a small price to pay to keep America safe, and to protect the freedoms that we all hold so dear.

The rest of us can go on with our lives as usual with everything we say or do being recorded and filtered to weed out any potential anti-American thought. Just think of how secure we'll all be!

This is the only mechanism I can think of that will preserve the American way of life into the future. So sign up today, freedom lovers! After all, too much of a great thing is never enough. That is, of course, unless you have something to hide.