President orders air strikes against jackass with leaf blower next door

[The Sushi Bandit]

August 12, 2003

Loud noise from device had disturbed the serenity of Bush’s vacation at his Texas Ranch

Crawford, Texas — President Bush ordered full military air strikes against the jackass with the leaf blower next door from the backyard hammock of his ranch in Texas this afternoon.

President Bush announced the start of the military campaign against his next door neighbor’s Lawn Specialist in a televised address to members of the Crawford Homeowners Association.

“American forces are in the early stages of military operations to disarm the jackass next door with his irritating leaf blower and to free the people of this peaceful subdivision,” Bush said.

Administration sources said the decision to strike came after a meeting in Bush’s backyard in which the President was becoming increasingly frustrated with the defiance displayed by the jackass and his leaf blower. Pentagon officials told Bush that the they could lose the “target of opportunity” if they didn’t act quickly, and the President gave the green light.

“I’m laying back on my hammock here, just trying to relax with some of Laura’s fine lemonade,” the President said to reporters. “And before I can even start to enjoy it, this jackass next door starts revving one of those awful leaf blowers. He was at it for nearly half an hour before I took him out.”