Reply #15: I feel for you.

[idgiehkt]

I haven't had a using dream in a very long time, I am fortunate, though my drugs of choice were alcohol and pot, with other minor experimentation.

It is always owing to something going on in my life that determines when and why I want to use, I think. I don't rule out chemical or systemic things like nutritional imbalances, and anything that depresses my immune system can make me feel depressed, and because I am such a person to medicate I will react with ideations before I even know that I am messed up or hurting internally. When I first got sober I would want to drink when I got thirsty and when my blood sugar got low, just because I was used to drinking 24/7 and didn't know how to fix those conditions because in my using days I never experienced them, (except dry mouth in the morning) because I was ALWAYS medicated.

I do have another addiction that I struggle with on a daily basis that I have never talked about here, which is self-injury, and that one really lays on me sometimes...ususally when I make reference to 'drugs' on Du that is what I am referring to, that I haven't in the past wanted to really explicitly state. I have dreams about it and thoughts about it when I am in a weakened emotional state. Lately, for the past few months, it has been constant. I only share this because I know what it is like to have something ride your back like this and just wear you out, when you want it to be gone, or not be this way. I am 12 years abstinent from any cutting behavior and I would greatly like to stay this way, because I have visible scarring up and down my left arm and I really do not like going through life this way. There is nothing I can do about what I have already done, but I don't want to make it worse.

Once when I was struggling with other addictions someone said to me to examine what was triggering the behavior and the ideations. It can be as simple as not sharing my emotions; or it can be alot more complex. For me this behavior is just like any other drug, but it's a shortcut, it forces an instant release of painkillers in my system and the fact that I am craving painkillers means I AM MOTHERFUCKING PAIN. Simple as that. Sorry to yell, it's directed at myself, not you. Right now, I just need to let go of things that are causing me pain. The ideations and the cravings and the dreams, if they aren't caused by systemic things (hungry/angry/lonely/tired) can be roadsigns that can help me dig out of something really fucked up. I know what it is like to want desperately not to pick up the drug of choice again, whatever it may be, and what it's like to have that idea in your head constantly, or not even be able to get a good night's sleep for thinking about it. Once I have done the thinking and the talking and the sharing and the getting honest, I just pray, although to whom or what I do not know. I'm glad you talked it out (or typed it out) and I hope that it helps and you are able to stay clean from it one day at a time. I had a relapse 5 years ago on the subtance side after just under ten years clean and it was just a nightmarish experience for me. I honestly don't know if I could come back from another one. There just are no words to describe how hard that was to hang on to every second for days and days on end. NOTHING I am going through now even compares to how incredibly hard it would be if I drank or used today, nothing.

:hug: :hug: :hug: