Oh. My. God. You MUST Read this NOW!!

[Modem Butterfly]

Okay, as some of you know, I'm in the HR department of a medium sized company. The people in my office tend to come in early, around 7 AM, and leave early. I usually end up staying later than everyone else. By this time in the afternoon (5:30) I'm one of the last people here.

So we have this Freeper type who is exceedingly homophobic, as in, he's creating a hostile work environment so we're in the middle of drawing up dismissal papers. That bad. He's also a germ freak. You know the type, always spraying his cube down with Lysol, wiping his phone, constantly cleaning his computer keyboard, complaining about employees who cough or sneeze in the office. A real latter-day "Howard Hughes" type. Part of his charm is that he likes to "jokingly" accuse the out gay employees of spreading the AIDS virus through the air.

So today, I'm catching up on some stuff. I'm thinking the office is empty, like it usually is at this hour. I need the copier, which is near Freeper McHomophobe's desk, and as I walk around the corner, I catch one of the gay employees SHOVING THE GUYS PHONE HANDSET DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS PANTS!

I was startled, to say the least. Phone Man nearly jumped out of his skin.

"What are you DOING?" I asked.

"Um... well..."

"Please don't tell me you're surreptiously placing penis particles on Freeper's handset,"

Phone Man started to giggle.

I didn't know what to say, so I started to laugh, too. "How long has this been going on?"

"Oh, for the last couple of weeks or so. I like to make myself cough all over his desk and computer too,"

"You're not actually sick or anything, I mean, in the physical sense, are you?"

"Um... I have crabs,"

I lost it, fellow DUers. Right then and there. Doubled over in laughter. Tears streaming down my cheeks and run in my stockings laughter. The fact that he hadn't yet taken the handset out of his pants just pushed me over the edge.

"Um... am I in trouble?"

"No, but I think you should stop sticking office equipment down your pants. And if I ever piss you off, please just come talk to me first, okay?"

Oh crap. They'll take away my SHRM membership for sure for this one.