I've adopted a monster

[TrogL]

Be careful what you wish for.

You may remember I've been talking about adopting a cat to replace a kitten gone missing, with the intention of auditioning a lapkitty.

Yesterday I went to the pound and looked at several cats but a one-year-old neutered male tabby caught my eye. Staff described him as "friendly" and "affectionate". They have a special room where they take potential adopters and adoptees so they can "get to know each other". The cat was a charmer. He sat nicely in my lap and wanted to be petted and rolled over and exposed his belly to be scratched and even licked my fingers so I took him home.

Things went fine for awhile as he went around investigating and getting used to the other cat (who is probably getting pissed off about interlopers on her territory). I laid down for a pretending-to-watch-TV-nap. Next thing I know there's this heavy weight on my chest and I can't hear the TV because somebody's revving a motorcycle in my ear. They I'm getting my face washed with a garden hoe that's been used to sort fish. Then I can't breathe because there's a tail up my nose. Then I'm choking because I've developed a fur collar. Then I can't hear anything because there's a cat sleeping on my head.

I give up on watching TV and decide to go to bed. The two cats decide it's time to stake out territory. The same territory. We lock one cat in each bathroom, so they decide to complain about it, then start arguing through the air vents. Then we try one cat in the main area of the house and one in the bedroom.

I wake up strangling. The new cat decides it wants a pillow. My pillow. My face makes a nice resting place. The purring is enough to rattle knick-knacks off shelves. Apparently my personal hygeine is not up to snuff as I require yet another spiked-tongue bath.

I've had no sleep.

Can you teach a cat to ignore you?