GODDAMN AIRLINE PRICING FUCKING BOOGABOOGA MYSTERY FUCKING NONSENSE!!!!

[Rabrrrrrr]

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Why can't they just price flights like trains, theater tickets, and hardware stores?

Why the fucking nebulous shitass mysterious fluctuating nonsense?

Gee, the ticket seems to have gone down $100 from ten minutes ago - do I buy it now, because it might be the last goddamn seat? Or do I wait until the day before my flight leaves because it's still 90% empty? Or do I buy it now because in five minutes, and for all the future, it's going up $600?

Or could I leave a day earlier and save $500? Or fly a day later and save $1200? Come home a day earlier and get special in-air blowjob service and a free cruise?

We don't fucking know!

No one fucking knows!!!!!

I get on the plane, and the dude next to me got a free flight because of some special "If you say aardvark to the phone salesperson for this four minute window on the fifth Sunday of any month that starts with 'M'" you get a free seat" and the gent on the other side of me paid $2421.09 because he had the audacity to tell the airline he needed the emergency cheaper compassionate "funeral" fare to go to his mom's funeral, when he could have instead called some bumfuck no-one-knows-about travel agency in Malibu and gotten a special "Ocelot Wednesday" fare of $17.22 that the airline offers only to that particular travel agency on odd numbered months for that particular flight, and woman behind me managed to call her travel agent at some magical three-second window 18 months ago and got a fare $219.59 less than mine, while her travel partner, who unfortunately couldn't confirm her vacation with her company until the current year was just one less than the year she wanted to go, paid $748.38 more.

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It wouldn't be so bad if the airlines guaranteed that if the price went down after we buy a ticket, we get a refund. Or if the airlines would let us change our tickets if we need to change our schedule, since they practically require us now to buy tickets 6 months in advance if we want any kind of decent price (and/or ensure you can actually get on the fucking flight), or take the risk of not getting a vacation by waiting until the last 24 hours and getting a ticket for 5 fucking dollars because they're desperate.

And the online travel sites? What the fuck is up with them?

Tell me - seriously - what in the hell is the fucking difference between priceline, travelocity, orbitz, kayak, cheapflights, and the other ones? Over the past ten years, every one of those fucking sites has always, no matter or when I'm flying, given me exactly the same set of flights for exactly the same dollar amount.

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If I were president, one of the first things I'd do is get all the airline CEOs together and tell them they have four days to set a coherent, predictable, usable, plausible, customer-friendly pricing schema, or I'm gonna have the secret service start kicking them in the balls every hour, on the hour, until they do.