Reply #53: I'm hearing this a lot lately. Went through three years of hell....

[Zephyrbird]

and finally found an answer for myself. I don't know if it will help you, but here goes.

1. Stop comparing yourself to others and finding yourself wanting. Half the time you're seeing things in other people that cover up their own neuroses. Half of that time the things you find wanting in yourself are not being viewed realistically by yourself.

2. Find the phrase, as Wanda Sykes once said: "I don't give a fuck!" and use it where appropriate.

3. Having given yourself permission to fuckity fuck fuck fuck the world, learn to believe that you have the right to exist for yourself. Learning to believe is harder than it sounds. It takes repetition and a good hard look at what has happened to you in this life that made you dislike who you are.

4. Keep in mind, whether you believe in this or not, astrologically you are infinitely precious to existence because you are the only Southpawkicker that has ever or will ever, exist in this universe. The planets align to the exact position of your birth, that snapshot in time, once every 25,000 years---but even then it's not at the same time--you are precious to this entire universe RIGHT NOW during your life. You are the only expression of life force as Southpawkicker that will ever be. That makes you pretty fookin' special!

5. I didn't learn to love myself, I learned to value what I did, whether anybody gave a damn or not. I learned to filter with a big fat dose of cynicism every time somebody yelled at me, was rude, or as in family cases, tried the guilt trip. And as I valued things I did, I learned to value the person who did them--me.

6. Immerse yourself in what you truly love to do. Immerse yourself totally. Become obsessed with it, because in that I rediscovered what I loved as a child, and what I was happiest doing, helping strip away all the layers of judgment, self-loathing (for whatever reason), and releasing the feeling that I had wasted my life. If you love fishing, find every excuse to go. If you love working in the garden (my favorite), think about planning it, read up on flowers or veggies, and learn all you can about it.

7. Stay away from absolutes when you talk to yourself. You know, don't tell yourself you're an asshole because you did or did not do something. You tell yourself you're stupid 30,000 times, by god, you're going to believe it and subconsciously do things that will reinforce that opinion.

8. Stay away from people who engage in behaviours that reinforce the negative attitude toward yourself. I broom people from my life the minute they show they are bullies or will verbally abuse me. Somehow, Southpawkicker, I had come to believe I deserved such abuse and therefore became totally obsequious to the persons abusing me. NEVER. AGAIN. No one has the right to heap abuse on you and expect to put up with it.

9. I also stay away from people who are all new agey and tell you "you just need to think positively and everything will be good!" Ahhhhhhhhh. BULLSHIT! Learning to love yourself and be your own best buddy means recognizing you have a yin-yang balance of good and "bad" in yourself. Both sides deserve attention from you that is objective. Don't overdwell on something you did bad, don't ignore and downgrade things you have done that you were proud of.

10. Do not accept others telling you what you REALLY said, what you REALLY did, what you REALLY meant. Gods, this was the hardest for me. You will find your triggers falling away and being a lot less angry, and finally free from being manipulated by others' emotional diatribes and verbal traps.

11. Learn to tell yourself it's okay to be bitter once in a while and a little pity party now and then is good for the soul. You're living in your skin, nobody else is, so have at it now and then. Just don't trap yourself in it.

I don't know, after three years of constant work, if I love myself. But I am at peace with who I am, proud of what I can do, and a lot stronger in my own identity. I believe this is the way to self-love, which is hard for us because we're never taught even what it is! But I firmly believe the way to it is lined with peace and laughter, not outside lecturing.