Reply #159: First of all....

[Dora]

You'll go farther and be happier in the world when you stop referring to women as "xx people," and stop generalizing us into a collective "you." That's called "objectifying" and women find it offensive. Just don't do it. Stop it.

You generalize about how women mistrust all men. You're the mistrustful one, because you fail to trust that women don't like a guy for a specific reason. Rather than trusting (respecting) a woman's reasoning and intellect, you'd rather just reject her choice and say she's wounded, or has baggage, or needs "a whole lot of buttering up." Newsflash! Those qualities are true for men too, Mr. Hope, and the day you stop naming women as the problem and start looking at yourself in the mirror will put you one day closer to finding somebody to love.

I used to have a friend like you theorize about - willing to give backrubs to gals in lieu of sex. Decent guy, chivalrous to women, financially secure, generous with the weed. He had a fast car and a spendy apartment. He was straight as an arrow, horny, and lonely. Women didn't like him in "that" way.

Why? He dominated conversations. He whined if the group didn't want to do something he wanted to do. His glasses were dorky and outdated. He needed dental work. He talked obsessively about his car and his stereos. He was always complaining about heartburn. He regularly wore skimpy nylon jogging shorts in public, and he was not a jogger. When one of us gals looked particularly attractive, he didn't just give a compliment, he gushed and sometimes even leered. He'd invite people over to party, and then complain about the ungrateful hordes. I'll stop there.

I could not have told him any of this outright in those days. Today, maybe I could, but I don't know. He was a good friend to me, he was caring and helpful. But I always held our friendship at arm's length because I knew that he was desperately lonely. I knew that if I gave him any indication of interest whatsoever he'd be all over me like white on rice - not because of my special and unique me-ness, but because he wanted a woman, any woman.

We lost touch over the years. The last I heard, he was married and I think a father too. I'll always remember him well. I hope he is happy, and that life brought him the love he was seeking, as it did for me.

If you want women to like you, make yourself more likable. It's true for everyone. Personally, I've realized I have very few friends in my "real life," and I've made a concerted effort to make myself "friendlier." I smile at people I work with. I've invited people over. I try not to engage in gossip. I think about myself positively, and think about others positively too.

Things aren't going to change for you overnight. But they will change when you change.