Reply #21: Feelings and a first draft

[sweetheart]

the old "have you served" bullshit really gets up my crawl, you're
right, and it really pissese me off... not from you, and i deliberately
want to say, not you personally... its a feeling that i've had rammed
up my ass my whole life.

I was, in high school in the process of filling out the applications to
the air force academy, when i met some military people who talked that
way, like they were holy for their great service. It rubbed me the
wrong way, obviously, and i'm capturing the feeling, to see if it was
at all true.

I felt like i should be enslved to their views, to accept this mighty
service as some sort of unpaid gift for which i was obligated, like i
needed some protector and was obliged to pay them some respect. And i
reject slavery in all forms these days, including that sort of
expectation. Now it is more conscious. Back then, it was from the
gut. I was just repuulsed without reason, without ideals.

I think its wrong to join the service. In that sense, i reserve the
right to piss on it. It is designed as an organizational brainwashing
activity, where people are "broken" and indoctrinated to buy in to the
big ponzi scheme... and some of the worst and most disgusting things
that i've paid for with my fucking taxes, come from the military these
past 50 years where they've done nothing noble... really nothing.

That is it, isn't it. THe pretense is that its noble, to go kill
civilians in viet name, panama, beriut and iraq... because it is the
fact of being there, is it not... then choose not to be there. Don't
join the service. Don't be the one standing there with the gun when
the little kid gets killed by random fire, and you won't be the one
who killed the little kid.

There is free will, and the persons in the military are not absolved
of responsibility for what they've participated in... war crimes in so
many countries it really is despicable... and dammit, i'm really
angry at the military and its stupid stupid abuse of its position in
defending the nations borders... women raped in okinawa, RAPED by
our tax dollars, raped in germany, like we send our rapists and others
oveseas to rape the locals and then declare as a global imperial
nation that we've the right to do so, with the extraterritoriality of
our laws....

So yes, its bile, for having a bunch of self-gratifying military
back slappers kissing each others backs for generations putting
their war-culutre at the forefront of a civilian society. Freedom
sin't free and all that crap.

So how should i feel about it? Am i allowed to explore these
feelings without being "evil" or "doctor evil"? The american military
budget and its military persons are all allowing it to transpire,
and yes indeed, it angers me that such a tremendous waste of
civilian goodwill has transpired, and that people have taken the
easy route out, and not stuck it out as a civilian showing that our
society is about civilians, not war and invasions.... but sadly it is
not to be true, so i'm sad about that as well.

I have the same feelings of rejection about the bible and the people
who seek to ram jesus christ up my ass as though repetition will make
me somehow more willing to accept that religion. No religion, no
presumption about your career or mine. I'm angry that our country
has been terribly abused, and surely much of that anger is misplaced
on good persons who've tried to do their best under difficult
circumstances.