Reply #64: Dear Fellow 'Merkan:

[Crankie Avalon]

1. Indeed I can. Finding your own ass is an extremely important skill fer a President to have--y'all can't very well cover yer ass unless you know where it is...at virtuously all times! One o' the first things I do after awakering up is to feel around fer my own ass--with both hands. Heck, I spend twenty or thirty minutes most mornings just making sure it's still there on top o' my shoulders.

2. The advice I'd ofference: Practice, practice, practice. Also, an old trick I learned as Governator of Texas: To find your own ass in a pinch, try sitting down; the part closest to the seat should be it. 'Course, even this method isn't always foolproof. Once, I sat down and I suddenly couldn't see anything. Well, I could feel my ass, but I figurated the darkness was from having sat down and got my head accidentally jammed up in there, somehow. It took about twenty minutes until I could determinate that someone had just flicked the lights off on me.

3. As to what Laura wears to bed, I cain't say. Like any good Christian union, we sleep in separate rooms, so the footwear she wears is between her and our Lord and Saviour Jesus H. Christ. However, I can tell you that I don't bother with anything as frilly as fuzzy slippers, as my fuzzy pajamas already have "footies" attached to them. Toughness. Leadership. Securementy.