Reply #5: we can expect a fire any day now

[Friar]

AP- Washington, D.C.: American History Goes Up In Flames

In an unexplained fire today the most precious documents of the United States were destroyed in a mysterious fire at the National Archives.
A spokesman requesting anonymity told the AP: "They weren't worth the paper they were written on, anyway."

Investigations into the matter were stopped by the Executive Branch as an unecessary expenditure in light of expanded tax cuts.

An anonymous spokesman for the White House told the AP:

"Congressional approval of Patriotic Act III made these documents irrelevant in any case and besides, the American people long ago forgot these ever existed. It's no great loss."