Hi.

[rbnyc]

I’ve been realizing recently that I should probably get back into therapy. It will be a while before I have money or time for this, so in the meantime, I was looking for a support group online. I browsed a few sites, and nothing felt right. Then I realized there must be a mental health forum in the vastness of DU. I know this isn’t a substitute for therapy, but I thought it might be a good place to talk and get feedback while I figure out the best way to take care of myself.

Here’s me deal: About 7 years ago, I was in a terrible car accident and I’m just not over it. I know it can’t all be about the accident. There must be something else in me that needs healing and I’ve attached it to the accident. But I can’t seem to disentangle it. I just feel like ever since the accident, I’ve just been falling.

About 8 years ago, my husband (who was my boyfriend at the time) and I decided we wanted to have a baby and get married. So we started working on both. I got pregnant before the wedding, which was fine with us. But the day before our wedding, I was in a bad car accident. I lost the baby, and had some life-changing injuries.

It’s all kind of been whirlwind from there. I look at my life and in a way I can’t even figure out how I got here, and how certain things have gotten so bad. We decided to get married in the hospital. Our honeymoon was in a rehabilitation center where I was learning how to be in a wheelchair. Then we moved in with his parents because we had a 3rd floor walk-up in Brooklyn that wasn’t suitable for me. Also, my husband needed help caring for me. I became depressed, but I did work hard on my recovery, and have been really lucky. We were back in Brooklyn in just a few months. In addition to physical therapy, I saw a therapist for PTSD, for about a year.

I went off pain meds right away and got pregnant again as soon as possible. I know it was really rough on my body to be growing a baby and recovering from spinal injuries and pelvic fractures at the same time. But during my pregnancy, I actually stopped using a cane and started walking unassisted.

My son is 6 now.

I’m in pain all the time. I have gotten very fat. I am intensely ashamed of the weight I’ve gained and always want people to understand how my injuries impacted my mobility and contributed to my weight gain so they won’t think it’s my fault. That alone is mentally exhausting.

I think about the accident a lot. I talk about it a lot. It’s become important to my identity in a way that probably isn’t very healthy. I think part of the reason is that I am trying to go back to that time and do what I failed to do then, to be still and grieve and heal. I just kept pushing everything forward. I was determined to get married on my schedule. I was determined to walk again. I was determined to have my baby. That sounds great, right? Really strong. But I think I missed something.

I know I’m lucky and so many people suffer so much worse. I feel like a big whiner. I also feel like I am exploiting my own victim-hood. Like, maybe I like identifying with this car accident because it’s a great excuse for me to be fucked up. I feel really guilty.

None of this shit is good for me or my family. I’ve got to take care of it.

My husband is out of work right now, so I can’t add an expense until he finds something. Plus, I work full time and have a 6-year-old. It’s hard for me to make time for myself. But I will need to find a solution and get help, because I’m not getting better just carrying on like this.

So that’s my story. Since I do spend time in the evenings online, I think I’ll hang out in here for a while.

Thanks.

[HereSince1628]

1. Welcome to our little support group...

Most everyone visiting this forum appreciates the difficulty of your circumstance. I am sure there is a lot more empathy than the number of replies to your post might suggest.

Posters here try very hard to be both supportive and positive and because we are all just like you, we often don't have many of the answers. So, we lay low not knowing really how to help.

It is my belief that everyone here wishes you well, although not everyone might feel that they can just come out and just say, "Welcome, I know your in a tough spot. Don't feel alone."

I found this somewhat dated article, you may already be aware of Mental Health services for people who are in a tight financial situation.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/21/health/21patient.html


Hang in there. No need to be a stranger. The strength you found to deal with things you've already struggled through would undoubtedly be inspirational to many of us.

[rbnyc]

2. Thanks for the welcome.

Thanks for the article too.

When reading about peoples' problems, I too find myself wanting to offer solutions. I didn't reply to many of the posts I read in here for just the reasons you described. But in writing about my own problems, I don't think I was looking for any direct solution, but just to be able to start getting it out, and be heard. So your reply is really meaningful. I appreciate it.

I'll be back.

[mopinko]

3. welcome.

2 things in your story stuck out for me- people with reduced mobility gain weight. that is my experience with everyone in my life who went through that. especially when there is not much else to be happy about, but food still tastes good. one of the pleasures that you can't escape. how can you fight that?? ;p

the other is, nobody who loses a baby is ever the same. it changes who you are. i have 5 healthy kids, but there is a little notch in my happiness, a little- take nothing for granted- feeling, from the one miscarriage that i had. experiences shape us. they make us. we don't get over them, we can only accept them.

please feel free to come in here and vent. :hug: always available.

[rbnyc]

4. Thanks so much.

My boy and I played Wii sports for about 2 hours today and I held up pretty well. So that's a good thing.

Thanks for sharing your personal experience. I guess it's true, I'm not going to get over it. I need to integrate it better. Or maybe I just need to talk about it. I don't know. Losing weight would help.

:hug:

Thanks again.

[knowbody0]

5. all that I know about you

is that you are an awesome mum, so there.

I also lost a child. you just never do get over it, but somehow when I became pregnant again, it seemed as though the lost child was giving me another chance to be his mother. I gave birth to a daughter who is now 23 and has a son of her own. life goes on. and on.

[rbnyc]

6. Thank you.

My son is the most important person in my world. He was conceived near the due date of the baby I lost. So if it weren't for the accident, he actually wouldn't be here.

I'm sorry you lost a child. How wonderful to have a grandson.

:hug:

[knowbody0]

7. hugs, sweetie