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Edited on Sat Jan-05-08 03:19 AM by CarolinaPeridot
Its 2008 and I can't believe that I am still feeling this way about one guy. And I am mad at myself because the more I feel that I love him,I push him away because I am afraid of rejection. I over analyze everything he says and does because I have my guard ready to fight in case he hurts me. I have'nt had positive relationships with men at all in my whole life : my grandfather walked out on my family when my mom and her siblings were younger, my biological father walked out on my mom when she 18 years old and pregnant with me (all I know is his name), my stepfather used to abuse me mentally I was growing up. And the first person I trusted with my heart who I also married, kicked the shit out of me and bruised me up when I was living with him far away from my real family in Germany ... I don't hate men,its just hard for me to trust them because I see a pattern ... and I want to break that pattern.
The thing about this guy I currently have feelings for is that 2 years ago we broke up ... and it hurt. We spent the rest of 2006 apart. But something in 2007 happened and he really changed ... for the better and all of the feelings came back. But we became better friends ... but now that the feelings are back I want to run far away because I know he does'nt feel the same way and I just want to run.If I feel gooey inside while I am around him, I cause fights over the the smallest shit and end up fucking everything up. I feel mental. I put him ignore just to try to move on because I don't know if we will ever be together again and I don't want to waste my life wishing on a star.
Am I the only woman who has been through this shit ? or am I really just crazy.
I am going to stop obsessing over everything and just let things be. If its not broke I am not going to try to fix it ...
End of venting.
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