Help! Encouraging words needed. Kind thoughts most appreciated. :)

[derbstyron]

I just found out that my Medicare won't take effect until Jan 2006.

I make 35 - that's right, 35 - dollars too much to qualify for Medicaid. I'm not working while I am on disability so I can't find a therapist willing to see me to help with my eating problems or cutting or...sigh... :(

I'm still depressed and alone and I just got back from the doctor. I lost three more pounds. I now weigh 109 and I'm a 5'7" male - which puts me about 45 lbs underweight. "I'm melting. Melting." :)

I'm ready to chuck it in friends. What's the point? I'm spinning in circles and not getting anywhere. This is all that is keeping my going:

1. writing
2. I refuse to let the bastards (those who deny me health care and service ) win.
3. It has to get better at some point, right? I mean, I've been saying that for years, when taking each new drug, trying each new avenue but it WILL get better one day, right? Right??? :(
4. my sense of humor - it's all I have left.
and....
5. my new friends at DU. :)

please keep kind thoughts in your mind. I need all the help I can get. :)

[Carolab]

1. Honey

you are not alone. But you must stop harming yourself. We need you!

[niyad]

2. prayers and positive thoughts coming your way. have you thought about any

of the alternative forms of treatment/therapy? There are probably some very good practitioners in your area.

I cannot begin to know what you are going through, but know that you are not alone, and lots of good energy is being sent your way.

bb

[derbstyron]

8. acupuncture

Back when I was working I tried acupuncture. It didn't really help with the mental issues but it did, oddly enough, really assist with my migraine problems. Very rarely had them after treatment.

I also found them very helpful in dealing with stress. I will probably resume when income permits.

I'm open to any suggestions/avenues you might have. I'm receiving very little assistance from the medicine/chemical area.

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

10. The first step that I climbed in my battle with depression ,

Is figuring out what exactly I was depressed about . I realized that I was living my life for other people and once I start living for myself , I gradually started feeling better . And taking St. John's Wort helped too .

[BelleCarolinaPeridot]

3. Hey derbstyron :)

I understand what you are going through . I still fight my battles with depression and because of that I have lost a lot of weight lately as well - I eat but not enough but some people's standards . I just don't have an appetite . But I everyone on the DU has a set of shoulders for you to cry on and you have support here :hug:

[Bluebear]

4. As I always say.....

Just when it looks darkest, and things look the bleakest, rest assured there's more crap coming your way. (Sense of humor, right?) If positive energy is helpful at all, you have lots and lots coming your way. I understand your situation and, well it sucks. Is there no way you can get rid of that 36 bucks that is stopping you from medicaid? I don't know your situation or illness but have you tried calling the state health authority and pleading to speak to an actual person and tell them you are at your wit's end? DON'T give up, brightest blessings and health to you.

[RummyTheDummy]

5. Look dude

You can't "chuck it in". Like the first poster said, we need you. Chucking it in ain't an option. So forget about it. We all go through this shit in life. Sometimes it's worse than others. But I have no doubt you have what it takes to make it through the rough times. You're a democrat for Pete's sake! We can take it.

Incidentally, what's your disability?

[derbstyron]

7. Gosh, where to start...

My main problems are a Bi-polar disorder (Manic Depression) and Eating Disorder (Anorexia Nervousa). I also suffer from self-mutilating (cutting) tendencies as well as other issues.

I was raised as a Manchausen Byproxy child (you want to have some fun go look THAT little illness up) so I was pretty much doomed from the get-go.
I'm aiming for my own wing in the mental illness hall of fame! :)

Well, I've always got my sense of humor.

No, I won't "chuck it in". I can't. These past couple of years, without insurance, compared to when I was still ill a couple of years ago but HAD insurance have opened my eyes. I will not give up because that is EXACTLY what the Jeb Bush's of this world want.
I won't give the fucker the satisfaction.

It just gets real bad sometimes. The past couple of days, with the Medicare/Medicaid rejection, coupled with more lost weight have been a dark, deep blow.

P.S. I'm a Steeler's fan :) :) :)
I'll bounce back. I always do.

[Bluebear]

11. You are a survivor already!

Munchausen by proxy is a horrible thing to have survived, but you SURVIVED! Myself I came out of a horrible upbringing and I decided that living life on my own terms was the best revenge. I kind of drew a line in the sand from childhood to adulthood. Actually a lot of anxieties popped up later and quite unexpectedly, but the point is you sound like a great person. You weren't 'doomed', you just got a few more challenges that the smugly healthy and unchallenged didn't get. You will win. You will.

[niyad]

12. munchhausen by proxy is indeed a nasty one--that you have any humour or

sanity left. you might see if there are any reiki practitioners in your area, most of them are quite reasonable in their fees, and can work something out.

[RummyTheDummy]

13. Laughter is a great tonic

Obviously it can't cure everything, but it makes things easier sometimes, if only for a moment or two.

I'm familiar with Manchausen's. Isn't anorexia rare in guys? Maybe that's a myth. I dunno.

You probably know infinitely more about the Medicaid stuff than anyone here, so I can't help you with that. Just know you're not alone. If you can, think about some sort of support group. Often those don't cost anything, or very little. But I suspect you may have already tried that.

Man, I hate to see people go through this shit. You will be in my thoughts and I admire your courage.

PS- by all means, enjoy those Steelers. They're having a great year!

[derbstyron]

16. yes, it is rare in us fellas

Which makes getting help even more difficult.
I prefer to think it just means I'm special.

It also means that when I'm in the self-help section looking for books on the subject I've got the women ALL to myself. Hee...hee :)

Oh well,

As the late great Gilda Radner said..
"It's always something."

[GingerSnaps]

15. Your the first male that I have ever heard of that is anorexic

:wow: Who diagnosed you with all of these different ailments?

I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I think that you need to go to the hospital they will not refuse you treatment and it's better to admit yourself so that you can check back out without having to get a lawyer to get you out.

:hug: :cry: :hug:

[derbstyron]

19. it is rare

In short I guess you would say my shrink. Although, I've had different doctors over the past few years.

Eating disorders are a common side effect of the Bi-polar disorder in some people. It is, I suppose, up for debate if I would have one without the other. Doesn't really matter to me one way or the other, it's kind of like the chicken and egg argument.

I'll pass on the hospital. I was hospitalized six or seven times over the past few years when I had insurance and there really wasn't a lot that they were able to do. Not to mention, for obvious reasons(see: Manchausen), I detest hospitals.

If I really get into a position where I need to go (i.e. my weight gets too low or my shrink feels it necessary, then I will suck it up and go.). But, as hard as you may find it to believe, they really areen't able to do that much for me. Trust me, I know. I've tried.

I never take anything the wrong way. Unless, of course, it's a woman rejecting my request for a date. :)

[GingerSnaps]

27. Munchhausen Byproxy

Is a condition that a parent or guardian has. The parent makes their kid sick so that they will get attention of the hospital staff. They also want their kid to be sick so that they can keep taking care of it.

:hug:

[Pooka Fey]

6. You're not alone.

Believe me. You're not alone. I struggle too. Please stop cutting yourself. Have you seen the movie "Secretary"? There's a great line in it about that - something about how you cut to let the pain out, and also to watch yourself heal. I'm screwing it all up. You'll see it if you watch the movie. If you can hold out for a while, those terrible thoughts eventually pass. Thats what I figured out.

[American Tragedy]

23. I loved that movie

Aside from the self-mutilation, which wasn't exactly how my depression manifested, that film was eerily similar to a relationship and a period of my life, except it didn't end nearly so happily.

[huellewig]

9. Sorry, but I am kinda confused...

With eating I assume you are not eating enough. I only eat one real meal per day. I'm 6 feet and weight 140. I don't really enjoy eating, my mom does. I eat when I am hungry, she gets enjoyment from eating, she weighs 240 pounds. sigh..

So what exactly is the eating problem? I don't get it. Do you eat and puke? Or do you just not feel like eating?

The cutting thing? If that is what I think it is you need real help, not the internet kind. And I mean that in the I wish you the best luck my friend kinda way.

[derbstyron]

14. thanks

As for the eating problem its far to elaborate to go into here. But suffice to say I don't like eating, get sick when I think of food and struggle to eat even one meal a day or two.
It's more complicated than that (but, alas, isn't everything?) and involves my appearance, unhappiness with my looks, weight, etc.

As for the cutting. I haven't done that in a few months so I hope that aspect is under control. I am trying to get help, henceforth the problem, but it is limited. Basically, you don't mean shit in this country w/o insurance. Spoken by someone who has been there with insurance and w/o It's much better to be with, trust me. I know.

Living to fight on another day. :)

[GingerSnaps]

17. I knew this guy that kept burning himself on purpose

He ended up committing suicide because he was so depressed.

Please go to the hospital they will put you on meds and they can fill the meds while you are in the hospital.

Have you ever heard of something called a circuit breaker plan or something like that? They give it to senior citizens and I believe that you would qualify for it because you are on disability right?

There are options and you need to get to the hospital.

You have too much going on. :hug:

[derbstyron]

22. I appreciate your concern

I am on medication through a community center where I see my doctor.
They don't work. At least they haven't so far.
I've been on just about every anti-depressant you can think of. I've also been in therapy for years. The scary thing is that I'm better than I used to be (shudder).

I'll pass on the hospital. A lot of people find it hard to believe but there really isn't a lot that they can do. If I have to I will go but it will always be a last resort for me.

[huellewig]

18. I understand your plight.

I had to recently choose between getting a cavity filled and eating. The richest nation on earth? I have my doubts, lackluster medical care is going to kill more people then the terrorist could ever dream of.

[GingerSnaps]

20. Our country doesn't have medical care let alone dental care

If he goes to the hospital they will give him meds and fill them right in the emergency room.

If he has so much going on he can admit himself and the hospital will not be able to refuse him treatment because its against the law.

:hug:

[Make7]

21. Do not give up.

It WILL get better. I have been dealing with depression off and on since I was 16. I'm 33 now and I feel better than I have in years. My friend and his wife got me a book for Christmas last year - I can't tell you how much it has helped me - I feel like I'm waking up from a long sleep and I'm myself again. The book is called 'Depression-Free, Naturally' by Joan Matthews Larson. (ISBN 0-345-43517-6.) Check it out at amazon.com.

I sleep better, my appetite is better, I have more energy, and my outlook is much more positive. The secret is food and nutrients. The book illustrates how we all have different body chemistry and therefore have different nutritional requirements. For me, it turned out sugar and refined carbohydrates were really hindering my body and mind from functioning properly. (Alcohol too. I miss pasta, ice cream, Cap'n Crunch, and Scotch.) I started on a low carb diet, and was sleeping better within a few days. And when I sleep better, everything else is better. The book also recommends certain vitamins, depending on your chemical make-up. I also found that Omega-3 fatty acids were a huge help for me. But for you it may be something else. You need to read this book. I can not recommend it highly enough. I have given it to a few of my friends, and recommended it to others.

You are probably well aware that the three most important things for being healthy are sleep, food (including proper nutrition), and exercise. I'm doing pretty good on the first two, but I'm finding it difficult to motivate myself to get enough exercise. I am trying though. And things are definitely much better for me this year. Please get this book and take the time to read it. I feel that it is a huge part of the puzzle for me to feeling how I want to feel. I hope it can help you just as much.

Take care,
Make7

[sbj405]

24. derbstyron , (((((hugs)))))

Hang in there.

Have you looked into free or low cost mental health servie through your city/county? Also, sometimes universities or medical schools have clinics.

:hug:

[rainy]

25. Instead of meds, I recomend a raw food diet....

It works much better. Changing your diet to raw changes your whole body chemistry and makes you feel much happier. Read some books on the topic, you will not be disapointed.
"Dying to Get Well" by shely Keck
"Nature's First Law"

[GingerSnaps]

26. Wait a second something isn't right

You are 45 pounds underweight and your still standing up and walking around :shrug: People do not live if they are 45 pounds underweight. You must have malnutrition and your depression is associated with your malnutrition. If what you are telling us is true about your weight then that is the reason why you are having mood swings. Anyone that is hungry and malnourished is going to have mood swings. :hi: :hug: :cry:

I don't understand the cutting part because I faint if I get a sliver of glass in my foot and a drop of blood comes out and I don't like pain.
The guy that I was talking about that committed suicide recently would burn his private area with cigerettes so that he wouldn't have to have intimate relationships with women. He also had a phobia about womens private parts. He committed suicide right after he came out of the closet. He was so antisocial that he shut everyone out of his life. :cry:

I suggested that you go to the hospital before you get into the condition that he was in :scared:

[derbstyron]

29. Gosh...and I thought I had issues

sorry about your friend. :(

You raise an interesting point with regard to weight. Sorry to say though, that indeed, I am that underweight. Guys my height are supposed to be at 155. I weighed in at 109 on Fri.

I don't really know if I have a separate eating disorder from the Bi-polar issue. Such disorders are rare in males, although they are growing, but are often common with regard to mood affective disorders.

My last shrink pointed out, like you, how issues of weight can effect the mood. He stated that when you get severely underweight, like myself, then your brain becomes effected. If I remember correctly I think he said it had something to do with not getting enough oxygen to the brain or something. Of course, knowing the problem is a lot different than solving the problem.

Anyone who says that I just need to "eat more" is obviously clueless when it comes to the situation I'm in. It simply, isn't that simple. Otherwise, I would be healthy if it were, right? (NOTE: I know YOU are not saying that it is that easy but you would be surprised at the comments that I get from people. All I have to do is "eat more" and everything will be fine. Whatever.) :(

Why do people assume that my disorder is any easier to deal with than an obese person who struggles to LOSE weight. People can be so stupid. Of course, people do vote for repubs so obviously retardation IS rampant in this country. :)

THANK YOU for your concern.
I fight on! :)

[Metatron]

30. I tend to tell everyone to fuck off when they claim that

anorexics "just need to eat more." I have personal experience with the whole eating disorder thing. People are incredibly insensitive about underweight people and the reasons behind it. I know how hard it is to gain weight (and keep it on). More and more cases are occurring in men, so people that claim otherwise probably aren't in the healthcare field or just don't have any personal knowledge.

I'm sorry that this is such a tough time for you.

:hug:

[GingerSnaps]

31. Starving and overeating are two different things

When someone is 45 pounds overweight they can function. You are 45 pounds underweight and you weigh 2/3rds of what you are suppose to weigh which is not good.

Go to the hospital they will admit you and put you on meds. Your internal organs might be shutting down. Your hair will also fall out if it hasn't already.

You say that you are cutting yourself? How can you find an area on your body that has muscle and tissue under it so that you can cut it? You must be cutting into your bones when you cut yourself and that sounds horrible. You might have an infection that needs to be treated?

I am not chewing you out GO TO THE HOSPITAL you need to be admitted immediately. :hug:

[Glenda]

33. I know how hard it is trying to gain weight...

I had endocrine problems a while back, and went from 137 to 107. It took a while to diagnose things, and I just kept losing weight.

Trying to gain weight is WAAAAAAY harder than trying to lose weight, as least from my experience.

Just keep working at trying different things. Eventually you'll figure something out. When you have several things wrong at once, you have to just keep chipping away at each one, until your health improves.

Alternative medicine worked for me, but it might be too expensive for you if you dont have much money.

Hang in there!

:hug:

Glenda

[NC_Nurse]

28. Please call your therapist or

go to an emergency room if you really feel like packing it in.

People here have lots of support and love to offer, but we cannot get you through this. You need professional, in-person support and medical care.

Munchausen by proxy is terrible and I wish you well in your recovery. A lot of us here are abuse survivors, including me, we are all pulling for you. Please get the help you need. Worry about the money when you're well.

[FizzFuzz]

32. hi derbstyron

styron--is that a reference to William Styron?

My heart goes out to you. I grew up with a crazy mother, no Munchausen going on, but a case of Ulcerative Colitis for 13 years (parents in denial) that put me in the hospital for tests and emergencies constantly, and put me at the mercy of strangers reacting cruelly to my bathroom problems. Nearly killed me and what a psychological mess I was too. Emergency surgery at 19. I've had eating disorders, depression, suicidal since age 10...so I just wanted to reach a hand out here. I am much much much better now, though it did take work. (I'm 47, and my biggest problem now is lousy self-discipline habits and computer addiction. :D)

You've got alot on your plate. Sorry, was that an eating joke? LOL :hug:

Seriously though, may I recommend a book? Its "Modern Buddhist Healing" by Charles Atkins. You don't have to be or convert to Buddhism to make use of it. They have it at Amazon.com, with a bunch of reviews too so you can have a look. Its very powerful. Used copies there too, very inexpensive.

lots of good people here. I'm glad to see you reach out! You're welcome to PM me if you want.