mothers of daughters.... [View all]

[seabeyond]

i want to tell a story of my son. and his first GF. we often talk about the boys/mens conditioning. i would like to address girls/womens conditioning.

this has been a more interesting learning experience for myself than my son. i am very pragmatic and not emotionally involved. he is. he had a first GF over spring and summer and they broke up in august. i have discussed it some on du. he was heart broken. i would often talk to him during the relationship, since there was clear signs of using, and manipulating. but, he didnt want to see it and it was his to do. ah, the drama and traumas of youth, i recognize that, though as a teen i was not really a part of that life. but, it goes on.

every couple weeks things flare up again for us to deal with. my son wanting to understand and closure, not getting he cannot "make" someone express. the girl, telling others that it was a first BF and she was glad she broke up and son still heartbroken over it, makes her ego feel good. and of course, all the friends feeding the drama, on both sides.

but, the lesson for me, watching it from a distance, is how we shape and mold for the future, with new experiences.

i dont and never have, played games or used manipulation with kids, hubby, or anyone. i am pretty open, saying it the way i see it, in honesty and ya, love, so most are pretty receptive and life is easy for them. they know where i stand. i can be trusted. this is what my boys learned. this is all they really saw in life and how they perceive the rest of the world in their inexperience. how they see females.

i have raised both boys to listen, think what is being said, recognize what they are feeling and have the ability to express. (ya, boys/men cant do this, but they can). again, it is something they grew up with and know how easy it is, and how we are all capable.

that being said, what i want to talk about is our girls. so much of their conditioning today, and how it effects not only who they are and what they need, but how it effects the other gender. and the importance and need our daughters have in being taught, to recognize how they too, are being conditioned.

when we put so much emphasis of a girls self worth on her looks, there is the NEED to have their looks validated to feel like a worthwhile human being.

when our culture teaches our girls that it is innate, biological that we use manipulation on men because they have the strength so our counter is manipulation and games.

neither of these are healthy, or a part of who we are. but they are two things that become all of who we are. and this is why it is so important that we not only pump up our girls confidence, but we also teach them a responsibility in their behaviors.

the end results i am seeing with my son, that i work on today, is seeing my son start seeing girls like so many men have learned to see women. that hurt us all. i spent so many years teaching them how wrong it is, how unhealthy it is, how damaging it is, but what my son pulls from this relationship reinforces those cultural norms

the last couple months we have talked about his experience and i have told him, he did not protect his heart. he trusted too soon. (i think boys do this more readily, honestly. again, another contradiction from what we are told). he allowed himself to be vulnerable and open, when he had no basis to do this.

so, what am i teaching my son? the very thing males are taught from the youngest of age. dont be vulnerable, allow emotion to be a part, express and share.

it is a very tough tightrope to walk.

mothers, of daughters, has a job to do, also.

(this is messy, sloppy, and just looking for thoughts. i dont have a need to point a finger at either gender, in their youth, as they begin their journey in all this. just putting it out.)