"Trump is taking all the fun out of haunting," said Nixon at the next poker game. "Do you know what he just did?"
"I'm afraid to even ask," said Harding.
"So you guys have been keeping up with all this new stuff, right? Like computers and smart phones?" Nixon said. "Amazing things. I could have managed Watergate so much better if... Anyhow, I know you've been watching television. I had television too, but not as good as this. And porn. Whenever Trump watches porn I know you guys are watching. Bet you never had porn like that in your day."
"All we ever had was naughty postcards," said Buchanan. "The world has come a long way since I became dead."
"So true," said Fillmore.
"Anyhow," Nixon continued, "there's this thing called Twitter. You've seen that? Anybody can send their own little brain farts all over the world, as if the world gave a shit. But when you're the president people pay attention. I wish I'd had Twitter. 'I am not a crook,' I'd have Tweeted. Maybe I'd have been believed if I'd said it on Twitter. People always said I looked too shifty on television."
"You did look shifty," said Pierce. "You still look shifty even though you're dead and barely visible."
"Fuck you," Nixon said, as his wraith vibrated slightly, making him look even more shifty than usual. "What I was going to say is that Trump uses this Twitter thing all the time to say stupid and crazy things that millions of people actually believe. Like I said, I wish I'd had it. So you know what he said early this morning?"
"Do tell," said Harding.
Nixon pulled an iPhone out of his pocket and poked at it. "How can you make that work? And how does a dead guy get a Twitter account?" Buchanan asked.
"I think it has to do with electromagnetism. Anyhow, here's what he said: 'I am being haunted by the ghosts of some very bad presidents. Obama's fault! SAD!'"
All the ghosts laughed uproariously. "Well, that should do it," Harding chuckled. "They'll haul him out of here in a white coat in no time."
"Afraid not," Nixon sighed. His ectoplasm faded slightly, emphasizing his five-o-clock shadow. "Millions of people believed him. Now he's calling for a Congressional investigation into Democratic-sponsored haunting."
The ghosts rolled their dead eyes. "Deal," said Fillmore.
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