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In reply to the discussion: It Was Like One Slap In My Face After Another... Gay Husbands Go To Red America. [View all]Moonwalk
(2,322 posts)...of our marriage. So I know somewhat (most certainly not the same by a long run, but somewhat) about what it is like to be in such a situation. Let me say first, that I totally respect your decision go along with your husband in how he handles his family. However, I'd like to let you know what I decided in my circumstances, just to offer an alternate point of view. I was in your partner's shoes, and I decided from the moment I said "yes" to my husband's marriage proposal that if anyone in my family rejected him, they rejected me. We were a team, and they took both of us, or neither.
Which meant that I didn't speak to my father for two years, not until he learned to accept my husband. Of course, the irony was that it was my father who taught me to put my husband first. You see, he always put my mother first, was always with her through illnesses, was always on her side in public even if they argued in private.
I wanted a marriage like that.
Your husband's relatives have their own spouses. They clearly put them "first" in the pictures. My father put my mother first, and I respected that. And that is why I put my husband first. And refused to give anyone who disrespected him my respect. How you and your spouse handle your family is up to you--you both know what's best for yourselves and for what you want from that relationship. I would only tell you to remember that his grandparents and parents won't live forever. You are the one who is going to be (presumably) at his side into old age, always putting him first, as you did her on this occasion. And knowing him in a way that those who've known him all his life do not--and still don't and clearly don't want to.
In my book, that makes you all the family that really matters to him (and vice versa) or should matter (at least until you have kids.)