General Discussion
In reply to the discussion: This is a thread about suicide and ambivalence toward it... [View all]Lionessa
(3,894 posts)entirely ruin my children to the same dysfunctional self-images, social confusion, etc. that I was dealing with and was determined to not let that happen. So I had to stick around. I married my mother's personality, very, very hatefully manipulative. I guess I figured at least he didn't beat me as my father did, but after a while when it got turned on to my children, I stood up and put an end to it for me and the kids by getting rid of him. Now I'm not sure why I stick around, though I keep nudging along, mostly being an optimist after about 9:30am each day till about 1:am each night. From 7am to 9am, full of "just shoot me in the head", amd from 1am till I fall asleep around 3am it's "please can I f'ing just not wake up tomorrow, please." I have no idea who I ask the later of, but it's what runs through my head. And I do have a gun and some day, I may just use it. I find a great deal of comfort knowing I have the power to be done with this f'd up world at the time of my choosing if it doesn't happened by other means first.