Their lives are rooted there. I am in a very wonderful relationship with a man that I met 24 years ago and married 19 years ago. I am from a very small town in North Carolina. As a gay male, it was far from easy growing up there. But, I 'escaped' I suppose. Now, I will be going back to my favorite part of North Carolina (The Outer Banks) and I have invited my brother and his family to visit us there. I was thinking about this earlier today. This may be the last time I ever see my nephew or his parents in person. The state they live in has become literally too dangerous for myself and my husband to set foot in. My brother and his family cannot move and I suspect that his wife would not want to. (It is proximity to her family that is the reason. She does not want to get too far away I guess.) I think it finally hit me earlier today that if they do come, it may well be that I won't see my nephew again except for images and short videos. He is three. It is possible that he may never know me except for the same things mentioned before. But the fact that I, as an American citizen, have to stay out of other parts of this same country because I might be injured or killed, is beyond insane to me. But, my husband and I agree that it is dangerous to go to Florida. So, unless they come up to N.C. for our visit, I won't see him again because of a psycho fascist who thinks he is the next savior.

How fucked up is that?

Bear in mind a few things. This is not finished as a CD in the sense that I aim to add some stuff between the tracks. Right now, there is just a spacer with some noise between each one. Also, the images were taken from the internet and I do not own any of them, nor am I trying to make anything from them. I just needed images and GIFs that said what I needed for the tunes. I hope you like this. It is very eclectic and has many different genres on it.



(It seems that the display on other channels is engaged. I have changed it and I may have to post it again. However, you can click on it to watch it on YouTube. Sorry for the mess. Darn Interwebs.)

This is my last CD of material as I just cannot do it anymore. However, I wanted to ask: Is this the place to post it, or would it be in Music Appreciation? So far, I have noticed that there seems to be mostly established artists in the MA group, which is why I am asking.

I have been acting, playing and singing on stage since I was ten years old. It is what I wanted to do in life. I failed. So, now that I am a shell, I just wanted to share this last CD in the hopes that it will speak to at least one person. I doubt this will happen, since my entire career failed to inspire anyone. I guess one has to understand that sometimes, one is just destined to be a failure in life and should just stop trying. A life lesson that took me 59 years to learn.

Some days are meh. Some days are just bad. Then, there are some days when you just cannot comprehend why you are forced to draw another breath. Especially on days that serve as reminders of my advancing disintegration.

I had finally gotten full movement back. Now, thanks to living in the frozen tundra, I damaged it in January and now have to have the anchor that pulled out when I pulled the tendons removed. (If it had not come out, I could have just waited till the damage re-healed and gone from there. But that is not how my luck works. It never has and it never will.)

I am not doing well right now because I do not do pain. In any way. I have already spoken to the doctor and told him that I am not going to do this until I have assurances that I will be able to get the pain meds that I need. What he may not be ready to deal with is that I plan to walk in with an agreement that he will sign or I will thank him and walk right back out. I am not going to do this again like I did the last time. They gave me X amount of meds and said, "Take ibuprofen or tylenol if you need anything more." I wonder if I should just drive back to the place the moment it starts to hurt again and stand at the door screaming bloody murder until my voice gives out. (as a former singer who used to have to reach 3000 seat amphitheaters with no amplification, I may be in pitiful shape these days, but I can still be very loud when I want to be.)

In short, I am freaking out right now and I want to run out into the rain naked until I die from exposure. But, that would also hurt and as I said before...

"I need help."

Nothing can make a collection of human beings move faster or with more determination than when someone asks for help. And, I am not talking about help with the door. I am talking about help with life. When someone asks for help, that is the signal to abandon ship. I swear if one wanted to win a foot race of any kind, just get someone to openly and simply walk up right before the starter sounds and ask the runner for help. There are times when I wonder if the word 'help' is just a construct created by those who feel about a second of pang over constantly abandoning their humanity in the name of comfort. One thing I can say is that living where I am now, at least there is no pretense about caring. The people here won't even look me in the eye when I walk by, so there is no expectation of any empathy here. Where I am from, they will lie to your face and act like they care about you and then get really vicious behind your back. At least there you got the benefit of immediate camaraderie, even if it was usually somewhat fake. Here, they just keep on walking.

What makes this worse is when you get this treatment from those whom you thought were your friends and family. They just move off as if you let out a massive fart and it smells like dead animals. Lots of shrugs and hemming and hawing. Why stay alive when there is no hope for any aid or understanding? And, BTW, I mean help that I need, not help that you decide I need. Regardless of my issues, I am pretty sure I know better than most what I need.

Having to get my shoulder fixed again, because I slipped on the ice and damaged part of the first surgery. Love living on the fucking tundra! Of course, I can't move because I don't even own a car at this point. I have no friends here and pretty much all of the ones I have had for a long time are unable to do anything because.... I moved away from them! Brilliant!! I am down to my last nerve and my last cell of sanity. And, everyone just waves me off. I guess I will have to run naked into traffic with a flaming chair while screaming the lyrics to 'Baby Shark' before someone will take this seriously. Which just shows how fucked up our medical system is. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to drive 30 minutes to go get fitted for my SECOND brace-sling so I can get my SECOND surgery and suffer even more pain than I normally do, lose an entire summer of possibly finding something to do with what remains of my life, and NEVER being able to lose this fat ass again. EVER.

Fuck this shit. If I were not such a fucking coward I would not be here to type this.

I apologize for this, but I had to share this photo with someone. I was re-arranging our cast iron when I decided to make a quick photo of what we have here. I prefer it for all uses. There are those who just cannot handle cast iron. That is a bit sad, but I always hope they find what they need. As for myself... with this arsenal, all I need is a good fire.

(I am so pathetic that I cannot go out drinking. I have no way to go anywhere anyway. Nor do I have anyone to go visit if I could. No one would want to come here. And, thanks to my health I cannot drink anymore anyway. What a way for a former rock&roller/actor/writer/etc. to be. I used to put everyone else to bed and then go grab a coffee and Jameson while watching the sun come up and waiting for the acid to fade out so I could grab some sleep before we loaded up the bus and drove to the next gig. Now, I am super-pathetic.)

So, every time that I have to explain/describe/refer to my health issues, people seem like they do not believe me. I have discovered that some of this is because I can go into details about the issue and how it affects me. I can go into potential causes and possible side effects. Why? Because I am sick and only a freaking idiot would have an affliction and decide, "Well, I don't want to know about this thing that is going to ruin my entire life and destroy me in every way. I'd rather just enjoy the ride with my eyes closed!" I am sorry that most people think 'Me hurts' is enough to go on. The idea that someone who might actually be worried about what is going on in their lives and wants to learn as much as they can about it is trying to lie or being a insufferable prick because they 'know it all' (which I have never said or indicated at any time) is, in my opinion, partly why we are in the social situation we are in today. The day I see intelligence treated as a negative is the day I cannot deny our country is completely failing, if not already failed. And, I see it every single day.

I always suffered from forms of anxiety, but have never had panic attacks until the last year or so. Plus, with all the crap going on right now... lawsuits, injuries, lack of income so my husband and I can get the fuck outta this state. (Which is a funny thing. I know with my many issues and my lack of wealth, there are very few states where I would stand a chance of survival without state/federal help. Yet, the prospect of staying in a place where it has become apparent that NO ONE wants to be anywhere around me makes the aforementioned not as horrible sounding as it may well be. That is how badly I do not like it here. Four years of trying to make a friend up here showed me that it is not going to happen, so why stay in a place where one is not wanted?), I suppose this is not unexpected. So, with all of this going on, I am now having attacks. The quad bypass may not hold up to this. The constant pain is not helping. And, of course, the greatest country in the world could give two shits about me, since I am not making some oligarch richer. Please just let it end.