Bev54
Bev54's JournalHow a US/Canada war might look like (satire a letter home)
Found this on my FB feed this am and thought you might enjoy as much as I did.
From:Liz Cheney/Adam Kinzinger Against Trump
A Satire to Make Your Day!
One of my Canadian friends shared this. I don’t know who wrote it though - pretty sure they are Canadian though! It’s making Canadians laugh through this stressful time.
“The year is 2027, and the war that America launched on Canada rages on. Our first attempt at economic conquest failed in 2025, when they formed close ties with Asia and Europe to stave off the starvation effects of our tariffs. In 2026 we turned to outright military attack, in an attempt to turn them into the 51st state. We threw the first punch. In imperial.
It’s now 8 months into the conflict with the Snow Mexicans, with no end in sight.
Below is a letter from an American soldier on the front lines of the 49th parallel…
Dear Mom,
Trump thought his invasion of Canada would be swift, but it’s been tougher than any of us thought. Who knew that after deploying their entire military and reserves they’d reach the depths they did in recruitment that they did? Turning to amateur hockey players to fill their ranks. For whom violence is a hobby, and somehow seems to be about half their population.
I thought December was the worst of the frigid torture, but January has brought a fresh new hell frozen over.
We’re 55 miles south of Winnipeg, and temperatures go down to -25 degrees Celsius (a bad metric habit we plan on breaking them of if we win) these days.
Many of us Yanks are freezing to death in these sub-arctic temperatures. My platoon is fighting hypothermia by taking turns in a hot tub made out of a foxhole and geothermic heat, a technique a Canadian Prisoner of War (POW), Jean-Pierre, taught us when he got bored.
The Canadian soldiers are in t-shirts, playing bunker hockey. Damned snowbacks.
In a rather nice display of kindness, they throw mittens over to us. Well, we thought it was ‘nice’. We learned quickly that they keep our fingers from falling off due to frostbite — but it also means we can’t return fire as our trigger fingers don’t work when mitten covered. The bilingual bastards knew this.
These snowspooks knew a lot of things — like having winter fatigues that are entirely white. It turns out our camo uniforms stick out like a sore thumb in Canadian winter.
Despite not having the war chest that we have, they’re surprisingly clever. They’ve whittled down hockey sticks into shanks and are using them as bayonets in hand-to-hand combat.
These syrup-suckers trained their Canadian Geese, what they call “Cobra Chickens”, to pick our drones right out of the air. The nerds they brought in from the Canada Space Agency easily learned how to reprogram them. So they’ve found an endless source of drones, courtesy of the American government.
Their surprisingly ample supply of groundhogs from the prairies have been trained to burrow into our bunkers and drop explosives. And their beavers have successfully choked our supply of fresh water with their dams.
The toque-wearing poutine junkies learned to coat grenades with maple syrup, to stick to whatever they’re thrown at.
In some ways, they are the polite adversaries that we had hoped for. Every time they throw a Molotov cocktail made out of a Molson Canadian beer bottle into our bunkers they yell out ‘sorrey’. That’s quite polite of them. However, that good grace is entirely undone by their brutal psychological warfare.
The Canooks play Nickelback and Justin Bieber on a subwoofer, 24 hours a day, to break our morale.
They’ve been airdropping marijuana onto our side. Half my platoon has been incapacitated by the potency of their pot. Steve said, and I quote, “I’m higher than Snoop Dogg at a Willie Nelson concert” before laughing like a lunatic for 87 minutes straight.
Entering the war, they clearly knew more about us than we knew about them. They’ve dangerously tapped into our overwhelming urges for patriotic pride by having one soldier yell out the names of states and cities. “Is anyone from…North Dakota?” The minute the Dakotan pops up in pride yelling “ME!”, their sniper picks him off.
For a country that doesn’t have a lot of guns, they surprisingly have some of the best snipers in the world. As we learned far too late, 3 out of the top 10 longest sniper kills in the world are Canadian.
Thankfully, they’ve grown since their Geneva Convention days, when their official policy was ‘Fuck Around and Find Out’. I learned from our POW, Jean-Pierre (surprisingly nice guy, he taught me how to make maple taffy in the snow), that they refer to the Geneva Conventions as the ‘Geneva Suggestions’, or the ‘list of things Canada isn’t allowed to do anymore’.
I can see why the Geneva Conventions were invented in 1949 after the end of WWII. It was to stop the Canadians. They were (and are) savages, who did things like throwing canned foods into German trenches only to lull them into a false sense of security, and then lobbing grenades.
They also took no prisoners and killed the wounded.
My entire platoon is desperately hoping they keep to the Geneva Conventions should any of us be captured.
But so far they’ve adapted an even more evil-maniacal strategy when it comes to POWs. They’ve been treating them so well that they turn. When captured, they get a trip to a nice Canadian hospital and a full workup. They also teach them how to ice skate and play hockey. They feed them authentic poutine, which is a welcome treat compared to the MREs our government has been purchasing from Russia. Nobody likes Borscht, Trump.
I saw my buddy Dave the other day, he’s fighting with the Canadians now. He’s taken his new Canadian patriotism seriously, he started chanting “Build the wall!”…then he started building it.
Pfft, turncoat.
To boost morale, Trump sends us sporadic visits from Mr Beast and The Village People. Our morale hasn’t been boosted. And we’re starting to prefer even the Nickelback.
But the Canadians have been successful in keeping their spirits up. Their government has kept them entertained by Ryan Reynolds, who learned some surprisingly quippy stand-up routines — and performs them in the Deadpool outfit. And Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has been their motivational speaker, who in a surprise move activated his Canadian citizenship to distance himself from this embarrassing war.
I have to say, there’s something paralyzingly majestic about watching the Canadian soldiers ride into battle with smiles on their faces atop their military-grade moose (mooses? meese? meeses?).
Mom, I fear we shall not be victorious and I fear for our safety. In addition to the millions of toothless amateur hockey players, who fight like angry badgers, joining their ranks — they’re calling up an even more terrifying brigade of soldiers.
Menopausal women.
These fearless she-demons are seemingly impervious to cold — and have redefined the term running amok. Hailing from Gen X, absolutely nothing instills fear into their hearts. America however continually refuses to activate our menopausal brigade, due to our conservative government and gender and age discrimination.
All of us hope not to confront these hot-flash-having lady devils in battle.
I don’t know what Trump was thinking. We can’t even beat these hosers in battle, how does he expect to keep 40 million of these hostile Zamboni-riding bastards under control if he wins?
I have to stop writing now, my fingers are so numb from frostbite that I can’t fathom why we want to take this land. It seems inhospitable, despite the occasional hospitality of the Canucks.
Mom, please send maple syrup in your next care package, Jean-Pierre is going to teach me how to make even the borscht palatable with it.
You know what, scratch that, Jean-Pierre just promised if I helped him escape he’d give me Canadian citizenship, 7 Saskatoon berry pies, and a date with Nina Dobrev.
O Canada, here I come.
Love you Mom.
Sincerely,
Barron”
The truth about Trump's outrageous claims of Canada's trade deficits and high tariffs.
Trump continues his lies on tariffs and trade to convince the American people that Canada is bad and Trump is fighting for them. This article will help to understand the truth and be able to educate others.
https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/trump-trade-war-disinformation-1.7489805
The numbers often cited by the White House are in fact penalty tariffs that are only incurred when trade in certain items exceeds a certain volume, and rarely or never charged in practice. Most trade between the U.S. and Canada is not subject to any limitations of volume, but a small number of products are. The attention is often on dairy, explained Al Mussell, research lead and founder of Agri-Food Economic Systems, Inc., but the quota list goes wider than that.
"You could talk about other supply-managed products [chicken, eggs] in Canada, you could talk about sugar and peanuts in the United States," he said.
Canada's new PM, Mark Carney, has invited Zelenskyy to the G7 summit in Canada in June.
I wonder if Trump will show up or is he afraid he might not get an exemption or for sure he will get massive protests from Canadians.
https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/russia-ukraine-war/article/mark-carney-invites-zelenskyy-to-g7-summit-in-june/
Open Letter from Canadian to Maga and Maple Leaf Maga
This is an open letter from Jim Elliot who is a news reporter, I think he is in the Yukon:
Dear 77,301,997 Trump-Loving, Conspiracy-Huffing, Rage-Addicted Americans (And the Canadian Dumbfucks Who Worship Them)
Oh, hey there. Sit down. Read this. Try not to cry.
Listen, I get it. You think we’re just a bunch of polite, snow-loving, maple syrup-chugging pushovers up here in Canada. You’ve been misled. We’re polite, sure. But only until we get pissed off. And you, dear MAGA cultists, are testing our fucking patience.
Let’s clear up a few things about who we actually are, because you seem to be confused. We’re a country that gives a shit about our elders, our kids, and our most vulnerable. We actually value education instead of treating it like some left-wing brainwashing experiment. We don’t get all horny over billionaires hoarding wealth while our neighbours die in poverty. We don’t fantasize about returning to the 1940s, and we sure as hell don’t think the most corrupt sack of shit on the planet was personally chosen by God.
Who does that? Oh right—you.
But let’s go deeper.
We’ve Always Been Your Best Fucking Neighbour—So What the Hell Happened?
Time and time again, Canada has been there when the U.S. needed us.
World War I? We were in the trenches before you even showed up. World War II? We were storming the beaches of Normandy while you were still debating whether or not to help. Korea, Afghanistan, peacekeeping missions—you name it, we’ve had your back. We sent our firefighters to help when California burned. When Katrina wiped out New Orleans, we were there. And on 9/11? We fucking welcomed thousands of stranded Americans into our homes, because that’s what decent people do.
And what did we ask for in return? Nothing. We didn’t demand grovelling gratitude or threaten to “never help again” if you didn’t kiss our ass. That’s your toxic, transactional bullshit—not ours.
Enter Your Mango-Coloured Messiah: A Convicted Criminal With a Cult
So after all that, what do we get? Your country elects a spray-tanned sociopath with a vocabulary of a Grade 3 dropout, and suddenly we’re the bad guys? You’ve got a convicted fraudster leading your country—a man who insults war heroes, mocks the disabled, and jerks off to the thought of authoritarian rule—and we’re the problem? You’ve got a party foaming at the mouth to gut democracy, roll back civil rights, and turn the U.S. into a theocratic shithole, but we’re the ones who should shut up?
Nah. Fuck that.
And to the Canadian Trump Bootlickers—Sit the Fuck Down
I can already hear the Canadian MAGA muppets shrieking, “Mind your own broken country!” Oh, sweetheart. If Canada were actually broken, it would be because of dumbass conservatives like you who take marching orders from a foreign conman.
Is Canada perfect? Of course not. But unlike you bootlicking clowns, we don’t rally behind leaders who openly admire fascists and flirt with the idea of rounding up immigrants. We don’t foam at the mouth over the idea of a “war on woke” while pretending climate change isn’t real. And we certainly don’t suck off billionaires while pretending trickle-down economics isn’t a scam.
You morons scream about freedom, but what you really mean is the freedom to be an ignorant, unvaccinated, gun-hoarding dipshit. The moment someone else—be it a woman, an immigrant, or a person of colour—wants the same freedom you enjoy? Oh no, suddenly that’s tyranny. Fuck off with that hypocrisy.
Canada Isn’t Broken—You Just Can’t Handle Reality
What do we actually have in Canada? Universal health care. Sensible gun laws. A social safety net that, while imperfect, at least tries to keep people from starving in the streets.
Meanwhile, in your MAGA utopia, you can literally go bankrupt because you got cancer. You send kids to school in bulletproof backpacks because you refuse to do anything about mass shootings. You’re so brainwashed by billionaires that you think raising the minimum wage is worse than cutting taxes for a corporation that made $100 billion last quarter.
And you have the fucking gall to call us broken?
Mind My Own Business? I Fucking Wish
Oh, I’d love to. Really, I would. But here’s the problem—when you share a border with a country of over 300 million people, and that country elects a conspiracy-loving, anti-science lunatic to power, it becomes my business.
When your president guts economic, military, and trade alliances that help keep the world stable? That’s my business. When your leader openly muses about invading sovereign countries—including ours? That’s definitely my business.
And when a bunch of dumbfuck Canadians start acting like America’s the blueprint for success, despite all evidence to the contrary? That’s all of our business.
We’re Watching, and We’re Not Impressed
So, dear Trump cultists, both American and Canadian: we’re onto you. We see your bullshit, your hypocrisy, your complete detachment from reality. And we’re not buying a single second of it.
We’re your neighbours, your allies, your friends—but we’re not your doormats. We’re polite, but we’re not fucking stupid. And right now? We’re watching. Closely.
Warmest regards,
A Canadian Who’s Had Enough of Your Bullshit
Just heard on BBC that EU has now set counter tariffs
On US. I heard earlier the UK did not, what the hell is wrong with them? And so the world war of tariffs heats up.
Doug Ford has already backed off his 25% surcharge on electricity to have a meeting with Lutnick.
for a meeting. What a weenie, keep them on until the meeting, which is supposed to happen on Thursday. When do we learn, do not trust this admin in any way.
There is an app to find events and protests that works with indivisible and other organizations.
It is called Mobilize.US
You can apparently look by zip code or town or city name.
I haven't looked at it because I am Canadian but read it on a comment on Rick Wilson's substack.
I hope it works for you all!
The Lincoln Project is out with their new closing ad for Kamala Harris
with the voices of those from the series West Wing. A very solid closing.
Help get the word out to Hurricane ravaged states with billboards telling them the truth.
I received this email today and I thought I would pass it on to those who can to donate to raise billboards to tell the citizens the truth about who is helping them and Trump's record of not helping people during disasters. I am copying the full text and people can donate through Act Blue.
Billboards to Expose Trump (via MoveOn)
Dear MoveOn member,
As Hurricanes Helene and Milton ravaged the Southeast over the past month, Donald Trump and MAGA Republicans spread rampant disinformation about the federal government's response—which slowed disaster relief and led to death threats against Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) staff and even meteorologists.1
As unconscionable as it is, politicizing disaster relief, including when lives hang in the balance, is not new for Trump. As president, he cut $155 million from FEMA.2 $155 million! And multiple high-level officials who served in his administration say he also deliberately denied disaster relief funds to states that did not vote for him.3
As early voting gets underway and the Southeast states recover from the devastating hurricanes, MoveOn is putting up billboards in Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina—critical battleground states—spotlighting Trump's decision to cut $155 million from disaster relief funds during his presidency. The billboards serve as a stark reminder of Trump's priorities and the way his policies harm communities. We're putting them up in places with the highest concentration of left-leaning "surge voters"—largely young people and people in other marginalized groups who do not consistently vote. These are the very same voters we're focused on turning out through our data-driven, large-scale get-out-the-vote program.
The billboards launch tomorrow in Raleigh, Charlotte, Savannah, and West Palm Beach and will run through Election Day. But if we raise the money, we can put the billboard up in other highly strategic locations in the battleground states. Will you start a weekly donation through Election Day to help us get the truth to more voters as millions cast their votes?
If you've saved your payment information with ActBlue Express, your donation will go through immediately:
Express Donate: $5 weekly
Express Donate: $10 weekly
Express Donate: $15 weekly
Express Donate: $24 weekly
Donate another amount weekly
Or make a one-time gift
Former Trump administration officials have come forward to share that, when he was in the White House, Trump severely restricted emergency relief to Puerto Rico in the wake of the devastating Hurricane Maria in 2017, initially refused to release federal disaster aid for wildfires in California in 2018, and withheld wildfire assistance for Washington state in 2020, because voters in those places didn't vote for him in sufficient numbers.4
Kevin Carroll, former senior counselor to Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly during Trump's term, told The Guardian, "It was clear that Trump was entirely self-interested and vengeful towards those he perceived didn't vote for him. He even wanted to pull the navy out of Hawaii because they didn't vote for him. We were appalled – these are American civilians the government is meant to provide for. The idea of withholding aid is antithetical to everything you want from a leader."5
Trump approved disaster aid to California in the wake of the devastating wildfires in 2018 only after his aides provided him data showing that Orange County, which was hard hit by the wildfires, has large numbers of Republican voters, according to Olivia Troye, a former Homeland Security adviser during the Trump administration.
Left-leaning infrequent voters in Florida, Georgia, and North Carolina deserve to know the truth about Trump's record slashing FEMA funds and denying disaster relief to communities in dire need. Will you start a weekly donation through Election Day to help us put up more of these billboards in areas with high concentrations of these surge voters?
We're down to the wire in the closest presidential race in modern history.
Everything we do in the next 14 days matters. MoveOn is reaching out to left-leaning infrequent voters in battleground states personally through their friends and family as well as via text, phone, ads, social media influencers, and now billboards.
We're in this together through Election Day—and after, regardless of the outcome. But right now, please join us in doing everything we can through Election Day to elect Vice President Harris, send Trump to the dustbin of history, and deal a major blow to MAGA.
Thanks for all you do.
–Toni, Cheryl, Chris, Aliya, and the rest of the team
P.S. Don't miss out on the fun! MoveOn members are connecting with voters in battleground states daily, asking them to remind their friends and family to vote, which is proven to increase turnout by 8.3%! RSVP for a few election phone banks now so we can celebrate together after November 5 when we elect Kamala Harris and Tim Walz!
P.P.S. Here's the billboard:
Sources:
1. "'Vengeful' Trump withheld disaster aid and will do so again, ex-officials warn," The Guardian, October 13, 2024
https://act.moveon.org/go/198509?t=23&akid=412001%2E55655883%2EzyImvh
2. "Trump falsely claims Biden used FEMA funds for migrants -- something Trump did himself," ABC News, October 7, 2024
https://act.moveon.org/go/198498?t=25&akid=412001%2E55655883%2EzyImvh
3. "'Vengeful' Trump withheld disaster aid and will do so again, ex-officials warn," The Guardian, October 13, 2024
https://act.moveon.org/go/198509?t=27&akid=412001%2E55655883%2EzyImvh
4. Ibid.
5. Ibid.
6. Ibid.
Want to support MoveOn? The MAGA right is declaring war, and Project 2025 is their battle plan. Project 2025 threatens our rights, attacks communities of color, hurts middle- and working-class families, and undermines our democracy. But we will not back down or let Trump steamroll our nation.
Will you donate to power MoveOn's election plan, stop Trump, and ensure Project 2025 is never enacted?
Yes, I'll chip in.
PAID FOR BY MOVEON POLITICAL ACTION, https://pol.moveon.org/. Not authorized by any candidate or candidate's committee. MoveOn Political Action - PO Box 96142, Washington, D.C. 20090-6142.
Trump's reply to Smith in Chutkan's court just dropped, I am just reading now
but seems to be the same old argument about information coming out before the election, which Chutkan has already dismissed that defence previously. Here it is to read
https://storage.courtlistener.com/recap/gov.uscourts.dcd.258149/gov.uscourts.dcd.258149.248.0.pdf
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Member since: Fri Nov 2, 2018, 01:10 PMNumber of posts: 12,320