The Dark Knight of the Soul

Boehner Proposes A Tax on Obama

Boehner Proposes a Tax on Obama

"I said attacks, not a tax! ATTACKS!" said a more-than-usually red-faced and unhappy House Speaker John Boehner on the stairs of the Capitol Building yesterday, to anyone who would listen. "Jesus, clean the crap out of your ears, will ya, America?" he shrieked in apparent conclusion before running down the avenue in a very Jerry-Lewis-like fashion, weeping like a little girl.



Ol' Blubberbutt, as he has been known by his colleagues on both sides of the aisle in Washington for many years now, has been showing signs of his signature hysteria for weeks now, ever since he saw a replay of himself on tv from a few years back, saying he'd gotten 98% of what he'd wanted from President Obama in that last round of negotiations, conducted over the threat of another government shutdown. "That missing 2% is really starting to get to him," said one aide on condition that we attributed the source to someone else, preferably a Democratic aide. "Y'know, he doesn't really have a lot of friends... it's weird, but I think it's sort of like a reverse Stockholm Syndrome; he misses his hostages," he concluded, referring of course to the American people.

Scientists have issued an anonymous warning to the general public that Mr. Boehner's tears should not be touched or even approached, as they are extremely caustic to human flesh. "These tears are not like human tears, or even crocodile tears; they're thick and glutinous and black as the pits of hell. We've even heard reports of these 'tears' turning into little black spiders--well, they're like spiders, only with 'way too many legs." said a trembling scientist on condition of total anonymity, or at least a guarantee of a quick and painless death, for himself and his family, if he was ever somehow revealed. "And let me tell you, if you get one of those things on you... well, just don't. Don't even look at them. Really."