McSweeney's Does the Democratic Debates

[blogslut]

Maura Quint is funny as hell.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-one-where-everyone-tries-to-speak-spanish

9:35 PM: The debate turns to immigration. Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro passionately argues for the decriminalization of unauthorized border crossings. Booker responds, in Spanish, that he also knows Spanish. O’Rourke tries to remind us that he spoke Spanish first tonight. In response, Castro takes out a skateboard, writes BETO on it and snaps it in half. Beto cries. No one is moved by his tears. Jay Inslee is from Washington state and Tulsi Gabbard served in Iraq.

https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-one-where-everyone-shouts

9:17 PM: Swalwell relates how, when he was a child, he heard a politician say it was time to pass the torch of leadership to the next generation. Chris Harrison walks on stage and hands Swalwell a single rose. Swalwell walks to the space between Biden and Sanders, while other candidates spontaneously start a drumroll on their lecterns. Swalwell continues, “and that politician was…. JOE BIDEN!” Biden accepts the rose before complaining that he thought Swalwell said he was going to get a torch, which is better than a rose because torches ward off predators, and he’s tired of making himself look big. Sanders interrupts to say he did not like the part where it could have been him. Biden interrupts to say, “I can also yell. TORCH!” Swalwell interrupts to say this is like that scene from Anchorman, “I don’t know why we’re yelling,” ha-ha-ha. Buttigieg interrupts to say he saw Anchorman in Norwegian. Gillibrand interrupts to say women have an equal right to interrupt. Sanders interrupts to say he supports a women’s right to interrupt. California Senator Kamala Harris tilts her head back, slowly opens her mouth, and shoots a beam of blinding light from her parted lips, which fills the room in a flash with awed silence. She tilts her head back down and calmly says that no one in America should have to work more than one job to care for their family.