After getting off the phone with an MRA family member

[gollygee]

I need some kind of love or something. I feel depleted. Do any of you have Tea Party MRA types in your family? How do you talk to them? How do you handle spending holidays with them? I am so stressed out about this. My husband says that I should cut him off and that he'll support me on that, but I'm afraid the rest of my family will respond horribly.

It was such a horrible phone conversation.

[BainsBane]

1. I'm sorry, gollygee

That sucks. My sister is married to a Republican and his mother is a Fox bot. My sister strictly, under penalty of death, prohibits any talk about politics when everyone gets together. In general, I think it's preferable to make the best of things rather than disrupt family relationships. Don't engage with him about politics at all. If he starts talking about it, change the subject or ignore it. Perhaps you can ask the person who is hosting Christmas to enforce a no-politics talk rule for that day?

I guess you need to ask yourself if avoiding seeing him is wroth not seeing the rest of your family on Christmas and other holidays because if you are the one to cut him off, that is what will happen.

[seabeyond]

2. my husband and i made it clear we would have NO politics. i have a brother. as soon

Last edited Mon Dec 9, 2013, 11:43 PM - Edit history (1)

as he starts, i start.... i do NOT want to talk about this. i do NOT want to talk about this. every conversation (and i love him so much, a good man in many ways), he has to try to get jabs in about women or liberals. every. single. conversation. he insists we all live the roles our society gives (or the patriarchy, or men give to women, that is why i hate them so much). of course.... i am not one of THOSE women. but, he still has to go thru the spiel. and i start mine. i do NOT want to talk about this, i do NOT want to talk about this.

it is hard.

very MRA. i know why. i get it. his experience that took up a decade of his life. but he made the choices he did that had him living what he did.

plus, i can kick all their ass in debate. so, meh. if he goes too far, i let it rip and then sigh and say.... this is why i do NOT want to talk about it.

[rurallib]

3. OK wtf is MRA?

[Freddie]

4. Men's Rights Activists

The charming folks who think they should be absolved of any obligation whatsoever to support their flesh and blood if they once suggested that they'd prefer she get an abortion. And other such drivel that women have "all the advantages" and are destroying their God-given right to be superior.

[rurallib]

5. Thank you

[xulamaude]

6. The best love I can offer you is my experience

in having been compelled to sever ties with my very small family.

I'll try to keep it short (this stuff is complicated, as we all know): I pretty much cut off contact with my only older brother, for a variety of reasons, some 25 years ago. I directly him told all the reasons why I couldn't be around/have contact with him anymore (reminded him really...) and that was that. Aside from the times he was violent, belittling and just creepy with me up until then we had some really fun, interesting times together. But the good times weren't worth the bad.

My mom and I had a lot of fun, interesting times together too, but we also had our 'problems'. Basically all of those problems came to a head when she finally listened to something I'd been trying to tell her for 20 years. And then she blamed me. I understand that it was a knee-jerk reaction, and she did apologize, but she apologized for my brother in the same breath. And that was the straw that broke my back - I realized that our 'conflict' couldn't be 'normalized' without me continuing to do everything I had been doing for years at the expense of my own well-being.

It's been a few years since I made a firm boundary (emergency-only contact) between my mom and myself and I find myself so much more free in mind and spirit. I've come to really understand that I am an individual human being and I have my right to my own life without having to expend my precious, precious energy on placating or avoiding.

If you feel distress, there is good reason for it. Listen to yourself, trust yourself and live your life for yourself.

[niyad]

7. have no helpful advice on how to deal with mra family members (and other assorted bots), not

having any. however, I do have (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

[mercuryblues]

8. Can't offer

any advice. I have a brother who is a republican and when he slides into baggerville, my other siblings and I pull him back. At the end we always tell him to stop watching fox newz, they aren't doing you any favors.

His tangent on Unions nearly got him killed though. I reminded him that if it wasn't for our mother's union paying job, we would have grown up in the apt we were in after our Dad walked out, on food stamps and still eating ketchup sandwiches for dinner. Or did he forget those 3 years of his life, because I sure as hell remember them.

I let him know that because of my husband's hard work and his union job, we are able to raise our kids and live comfortably and I would thank you very much if you never, ever say anything fucking derogatory about unions in my presence again.

To my brother's credit, he apologized and hasn't spoken bad about them again.

Sometimes a little truth shuts them up.

[PassingFair]

9. My older brother was a die-hard liberal democrat and a woman hater.

I think I might have has something to do with it.

As one of the younger siblings, he felt that his position as "first born male"
conferred special powers and was always upset and affronted when I
wouldn't do what he demanded.

He ALWAYS had anger issues and ended up dying of a heart attack at the
age of 52.

I never "cut him off". He was sometimes easy to talk to and he had his
good moments, but there were times when I could tell he was spoiling for
an argument. The one spot where he KNEW he could get my temper flaring
was his misogyny. So when he started calling women "bleeders" or "whores",
I would just hang up on him. If he did it in my presence, I would just walk away.

Amazingly, he would later contact me and act like it never happened.
He never apologized, he just pretended that the conversations had never occurred.

Funny thing is, his two children were both daughters!

[seabeyond]

10. you made me think, cause of his expected position. what about a kid being told by an adult man...

you are now the man of the house.

when hubby would go out fo town, inevitably there would be some man telling my son that. i would look at him and say....

like hell.

adult.... pointing to me
kid.... pointing to him.

i know we like to think that is simply "cute" but just think about what it is saying.

a male child has precedent, knowledge, experience, smart, ability over an adult woman.

i hate that one.

[PassingFair]

11. I would never say that to a child, boy or girl!

Yeah, that one is disgusting!

My brother believed that he should have first dibs on everything,
citing archaic inheritance laws, etc.

My younger brother had 2 boys, and my older brother was always
trying to tell him how to raise them. Such a JERK!!!

He claimed that it was HIS BUSINESS because they were going
to carry on the FAMILY NAME.

I think he was disappointed in having girls, but he DID love them.

[ismnotwasm]

12. I spent many years working on holidays

Then I simply cut bait. No time for toxic folk