Summer's gone and Autumn has arrived and along with that a great longing ...

[auntAgonist]

I don't know what it is about this time of year. I really do love the cooler weather, the changing colours the smell of the air.

It's also the time of year (can't figure out why though) that I miss my Mum the most. There's so much I miss, to many things to list.

How about you all?

How are you doing?

I think of you guys and gals all the time and I'm privileged to even correspond with a couple of you apart from DU.

Check in ok?

kesha.

[KC]

1. I love

this time of year too. It's always feels
so good to feel the cooler difference in the air, when I'm actually able to get out of the house. I love seeing all the colors but like
you it's also when I miss my Dad so much.
It's strange because usually in late August
or September I start feeling down. For so many years I never really understood
why. But after so many years I finally
realized that subconsciously I was aware of
the month / date when my Dad died
was coming up, Oct 7. So here it is again.

I hope you're doing well. I'm hanging in
there. Have my next follow up on
the 16th and I always dread going. Always afraid that something else will turn up.

Take care

[orleans]

2. i miss so many things that were a part of my life too

and i was just thinking that last night when i was driving home.

i often wonder what the hell happened to my life. i loved my life--loved it for a thousand reasons. and then everything changed four years ago this month. it was as if there was some cosmic decision that came about: "okay, you're done. now try this."

then i lost my little dog three months ago--the little one who was given to me after i lost my mom and our other dog. i suppose that was one way to get my mind off my mom so much and refocus on something else. but it's been a devastating "something else." (still can't bring myself to part with the little bags of her treats on the kitchen counter, the cans of unopened food in the cupboard, her pillow in the living room, her harness, her everything.)

i loved october--it was always my favorite month. (and that's one of the things i miss--i miss loving it as much as i did.)

sorry kesha--i realize my perpetually depressed state of mind is tiresome.

thank you for asking. i check in here every day, wanted to post a thread several times but it would be just the same rehashing of my issues.

i do believe when i'm reunited with my loves my spirit will finally be free to run and dance and twirl, joyously childlike, in the october breezes of my afterlife.

[auntAgonist]

3. "perpetually depressed state of mind" Please know that you're NEVER tiresome.

Rehashing is very therapeutic and that's what this group is for. Losing a family member, a loved one, four legged or two, is a significant emotional event in your (our) life. Please don't ever feel you can't post something out of fear that it will seem tiresome.

I'm glad to know that you check the group every day. I suspect many of us do.

I hope today finds you well and able to enjoy it.


kesha

[orleans]

4. thanks kesha. you're so sweet. n/t

[kanda]

5. lost

I'm new to this grieving thing. Our 19 year old son passed away this July. Completely unexpected. I'm finding the changing of the season particularly hard because it's just more evidence that time is marching on. Without him. And I find that so, so hard. I want to stop the world and say "WAIT! Don't you all know what an awesome human being just left this earth?"

I guess this probably isn't the best way to introduce myself. I, too, have been checking in on this group several times, just looking for words of wisdom to help me on this new path.

Thanks for being here.

[auntAgonist]

6. Kanda, what can I say... sorry doesn't really do it.

I am sorry for your loss though. I can't begin to imagine your devastation and pain. 19 is way too young!!

Thank you for checking in with us.

Know that we are here for you, whenever you need to rant or just say hello.




aA
kesha

[kanda]

7. thank you

Thank you so much, kesha. The kindness of people has been very helpful.

[orleans]

9. kanda

i'm so sorry you have begun a journey down a path that must be the hardest one to travel. i wish there were words of comfort or wisdom i could give you or share with you but for some reason all i can think of to say is "Love...it's all about love."

take a deep breath and hold on--the changing of the seasons, every holiday, everyone's birthday, all the firsts, then all the seconds, and any moment that triggers a memory or a familiar feeling or just a thought.

every once in awhile as i'm pulling the car into the garage i experience a one or two second feeling of joy or elation thinking i'm going into the house to see my mom. it's like i forget--just for a moment--that she is gone. then the instantaneous crash upon realizing i'm not going to see her when i go inside--the devastating moment when my brain does a reality check. well, i don't crash as hard anymore and those fleeting, happy moments when i forget she's gone are so precious to me.

people have said it gets better with time. i don't think it's so much that it gets better but that we eventually begin to grow stronger. at least that's how it mostly feels for me. still, i know in some way i keep my guard up even to myself and that if i allow myself the luxury i can fall apart all over again (after all, this month makes it only four years since i lost my mom).

take care.

[kanda]

10. thank you

Thank you, orleans. I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that one day I can feel a bit stronger. My friends tell me I'm brave, courageous and strong, but I don't feel any of those right now. I just feel so deeply, deeply sad. My heart feels like there's a big old hole in the bottom of it and every thing has fallen out of it. I'm starting up with a bereavement class at the end of the month that I hope helps give me some coping strategies.

In the meantime, we just plug along. I know what you mean about those fleeting moments when you "forget." One of my son's favorite teachers recently won a prestigious award. My first thought was to send him a link to the newspaper article. And then I realized I couldn't.

Hugs to you and thank you again.

[orleans]

11. just wanted to let you know about a book i ran across last night

(i tried posting this but there was a computer glitch or something...anyway...)

i haven't read it (i'm ordering it) but you can find it on amazon (it came out in april)

The Gifts of Grief: Finding Light in the Darkness of Loss by therese tappouni

partial description:
"At some point in our lives, we all experience grief:
The death of a loved one, a financial catastrophe, a debilitating illness, or the ending of a marriage. In the dark moments that follow these losses, life can seem hopeless and unbearable.

"Author Therèse Tappouni knows this journey all too well.

"After suffering the devastating loss of her eleven-year-old son, she ultimately came to the realization that it is possible to not only heal from grief, but to find gifts from the deepest places of despair."
(amazon page)

(the first book i read after my mom passed (about four months later) was called "We Don't Die: george anderson's conversations with the other side" written by joel martin & patricia romanowski which was very comforting to me.)

at any rate--i just wanted to let you know about that book in case you'd be interested in checking it out.
take care.

[GreenPartyVoter]

12. I am so very sorry. I have two boys a bit younger than that. I can't even imagine how

you get up in the morning. I will be thinking of you and your family.

[47of74]

8. My maternal grandma's birthday was on Sep 18.

We still go up to our favorite park and still celebrate her birthday. She would have been 102 this year. I feel she's with us in spirit as she drinks beer up in heaven with Grandpa and plays Euchre with him, their parents, and all their siblings. Some years there's more energy for that than other years on the part of my family.

[GreenPartyVoter]

13. I am doing all right. I find myself having to count to see how

long it's been since Mom and Dad passed, and the other day I couldn't remember that exact date of Mom's passing. Not sure if that says something about healing or my brain getting older and less reliable!