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rationalcalgarian

(295 posts)
Tue Dec 6, 2011, 06:02 PM Dec 2011

Can you remember the first joke you ever heard?

Last edited Thu Dec 8, 2011, 05:13 PM - Edit history (1)

My older brother told me my first joke when I was four (yikes! Over fifty years ago!)

A prisoner tunnels his way out of jail and into a manhole. He climbs up the manhole, pops the lid, and jumps out into the street. He is so happy, he dances around shouting "I'm free! I'm free!" but a little boy standing on the corner watching says, "So what? I'm four!"

And then he told me this one:

A man jumps out of the window of a high building and crashes to the sidewalk below. A crowd gathers around and a cop pushes and shoves his way through the crowd.
"Alright, alright! What's going on here?"
The man looks up from the sidewalk and says, "I don't know, I just got here."

35 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
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Can you remember the first joke you ever heard? (Original Post) rationalcalgarian Dec 2011 OP
No, but I can remember that when I was 5, Bossy Monkey Dec 2011 #1
It's one of these two valerief Dec 2011 #2
I heard a similar joke when I was a kid except there were two applegrove Dec 2011 #3
Ha! valerief Dec 2011 #5
She was in the bathtub, and the dog jumped out the window, the woman ran out in a panic, Kurovski Mar 2013 #33
remember a different version SCantiGOP Dec 2011 #10
Ha! I had to read this a few times to figure out the different pronunciation of aspirin. valerief Dec 2011 #11
That was mine also! ProudProgressiveNow Oct 2012 #19
The toe joke made me laugh. Kurovski Mar 2013 #34
I remember a few slay Dec 2011 #4
What's brown and sticky? valerief Dec 2011 #6
rofl slay Dec 2011 #7
Uh-oh, you can't say that here. You have to go to the scatological group for that. valerief Dec 2011 #8
Bwhahah! slay Dec 2011 #9
What's big and purple and eats rocks? hunter Feb 2013 #27
Wanna hear a dirty joke? MrMickeysMom Dec 2011 #12
I even passed these on to my kids where they seemed old enough to figure it out. Sheepshank Dec 2011 #13
How do you get Kermit the Frog's full attention? woodsprite Dec 2011 #14
The way I first heard the joke benld74 Dec 2011 #17
I remember the first DIRTY joke I ever heard... wyldwolf Dec 2011 #15
My family wasn't that funny customerserviceguy Dec 2011 #16
No, I can't. faeries Dec 2011 #18
Post removed Post removed Nov 2012 #20
I can remember the first one I ever made up myself. MiddleFingerMom Dec 2012 #21
I don't remember how it goes but it was about a guy named Johnny Fuckerfaster. mysuzuki2 Dec 2012 #22
Oh yes! Kurovski Mar 2013 #35
It's not the first joke I heard, but it's one I remember well. DreamGypsy Dec 2012 #23
Don't know if this is politically correct any more, but mykpart Dec 2012 #24
First jokes... PoliticalPizza Jan 2013 #25
oldest joke ever LaCh6 Feb 2013 #26
The "I'm free" "So what, I'm four" joke is vaguely familiar to me. applegrove Mar 2013 #28
Walpole Mass. circa 1958 olddots Mar 2013 #29
Why did the chicken cross the road dipsydoodle Mar 2013 #30
Yeah, but it was racist so I won't give it a bump. Iggo Mar 2013 #31
I was around the age of five... Kurovski Mar 2013 #32

Bossy Monkey

(15,863 posts)
1. No, but I can remember that when I was 5,
Tue Dec 6, 2011, 10:31 PM
Dec 2011

I thought I had made up "Take my wife... please!" Apparently, when you're little, you have difficulty with the difference between the concepts of making up something vs. retrieving something from your memory. Or at least I did.

valerief

(53,235 posts)
2. It's one of these two
Wed Dec 7, 2011, 02:03 AM
Dec 2011

Why didn't the man have any toes? Because the tow truck took them away.

OR

A woman got on a bus with her little dog named Itchy Bum. While the bus was moving, the dog jumped out the window. The woman yelled, "Oh, my Itchy Bum! Oh, my Itchy Bum!" The driver said to her, "Well, why don't you scratch it?"

Both tres lame. I like your first one.

applegrove

(122,019 posts)
3. I heard a similar joke when I was a kid except there were two
Wed Dec 7, 2011, 03:52 AM
Dec 2011

dogs and they were named freeshow and seymour and the woman was naked for some reason.

Kurovski

(34,657 posts)
33. She was in the bathtub, and the dog jumped out the window, the woman ran out in a panic,
Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:21 AM
Mar 2013

forgetting her pegnoir. (That's robe, for you plebians) She ran naked down the boulevard, shouting out her little poodles name "Freeshow! Get my Freeshow!! " ("Freeshow", as we youngsters knew, is French for "anything to imagine adults naked".)

SCantiGOP

(14,136 posts)
10. remember a different version
Thu Dec 8, 2011, 04:05 PM
Dec 2011

a woman on a bus, trying to open a bottle of aspirin, had it pop out of her hand and fly out the window. She screams, "My aspirins! My aspirins!" Bus driver yells back, "Well, why don't you stick it out the window lady."

valerief

(53,235 posts)
11. Ha! I had to read this a few times to figure out the different pronunciation of aspirin.
Thu Dec 8, 2011, 08:54 PM
Dec 2011

I say as.prin but this joke assumes I say as.burn.

Funny!

 

slay

(7,670 posts)
4. I remember a few
Wed Dec 7, 2011, 07:17 AM
Dec 2011

Q: What's red and square?
A: A red square.

now to find out if the person is stupid...

Q: What's grey and triangle?
A: A grey triangle.


also

Q: Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: Grant.

and

Q: If a plane crashed on the border of North and South Carolina, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.

 

slay

(7,670 posts)
9. Bwhahah!
Wed Dec 7, 2011, 09:21 PM
Dec 2011

nice burn! yeah all the locked threads and extreme enforcement of what can be posted where here on DU3 is a bit much.

 

Sheepshank

(12,504 posts)
13. I even passed these on to my kids where they seemed old enough to figure it out.
Fri Dec 9, 2011, 12:58 PM
Dec 2011

What did the traffic light say to the car?
~Don't look, I'm changing

What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat?
~Some bum pushed him in

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Orange
~Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Boo
~Boo who?
Don't cry your momma loves you.

woodsprite

(12,110 posts)
14. How do you get Kermit the Frog's full attention?
Fri Dec 9, 2011, 02:44 PM
Dec 2011

Hold one little green ball in one hand, and the other little green ball in your other hand.

That was courtesy of the Immediato Brothers stage show circa 1975, also known as "Three Little Bakers". Fun guys,
ran a family dinner theater here in Pike Creek.

benld74

(9,974 posts)
17. The way I first heard the joke
Mon Dec 26, 2011, 10:20 PM
Dec 2011

What do you have when you hold one little green ball in one hand, and another green little ball in your other hand?


Kermit the Frog's FULL Attention!

customerserviceguy

(25,183 posts)
16. My family wasn't that funny
Mon Dec 12, 2011, 12:45 AM
Dec 2011

but they did like Jackie Gleason, and I do remember this one from the very early 60's, when I was about five or six:

A little Irish man goes into a Catholic Church, and gets into a confessional. (Now, back in those days, there were three compartments, one for the priest in the middle, and one for each of two penitents on either side, there were sliding partitions where you couldn't hear more than mumbling from the other side.)

He's waiting a long, long time, and hearing no sounds, says, "Father, Father, are you there??" (Jackie used an Irish brogue for this.)

A voice comes back from the other side: "After he heard what I confessed, he ran to the police!"



I had just learned about what we called "The Sacrament of Confession" in Catholic school, and I knew the priest was supposed to take what he heard there to his grave, so that was pretty damned funny to me. Not sure how mother felt about it, but Dad laughed pretty hard!

faeries

(27 posts)
18. No, I can't.
Tue Dec 27, 2011, 03:03 AM
Dec 2011

Too bad I can't remember the first joke I've heard. I don't know if it wasn't funny enough or I just have a poor memory.

Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)

MiddleFingerMom

(25,163 posts)
21. I can remember the first one I ever made up myself.
Sat Dec 1, 2012, 03:48 AM
Dec 2012

.
.
.
I was about 7 or so and MiddleFingerMomSis had brought her BF home from college
for Sunday dinner so that he could meet her (our) parents.
.
I don't know how many times I was told by how many people that I had BETTER be
on my best behavior.
.
They all knew much better than to do that. They really did.
.
.
Someone told a "polite" joke. Mildly funny. Chuckles all around.
.
.
It was my moment.
.
"What does Superman say when he flushes the toilet?"
.
My sister turned pale white.
.
"See ya later, Super-poop!!!"
.
My sister started crying for Mom to "do something about him!!!"
.
My Mom was banishing me upstairs to my room.
.
My little brother and Dad were staring at their plates, doing a
not-very-subtle job of desperately trying not to laugh.
.
I and my sister's BF were laughing our asses off... helpless in
the grip of that stupid stupid hilarious formal dinner poop joke.
.
.
Worth it. Worth every no-dessert-bedroom-banishment moment.
.
.
.
Like Steve Martin in "The Jerk"... I had found my special purpose.
.
.
.

DreamGypsy

(2,252 posts)
23. It's not the first joke I heard, but it's one I remember well.
Wed Dec 5, 2012, 12:48 AM
Dec 2012

Last edited Thu Dec 6, 2012, 01:34 AM - Edit history (1)

I was probably around 5 or 6, at a visit to the family doctor for some typical childhood problem, accompanied by my mother. Small town, the doctor was a family friend, had a daughter in the same class as my older brother, and my parents occasionally meet the doctor and his wife socially.

I don't remember the context, but near the end of the appointment, the doctor commented to my mother:

Do you know, Ellie, what are the the three stages of aging in men? First they forget names. Then they forget to zip up. Then they forget to zip down.


I don't think I fully understood the joke at the time, but as years have passed I have gained a more complete appreciation.

mykpart

(3,879 posts)
24. Don't know if this is politically correct any more, but
Fri Dec 7, 2012, 09:22 PM
Dec 2012

"Why did the little moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?"

"Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."

(Even at age 5, I thought this was a REALLY stupid joke.)

PoliticalPizza

(54 posts)
25. First jokes...
Tue Jan 8, 2013, 05:58 AM
Jan 2013

More like 1 liners...

She's so ugly, when she enters the room, the mice jump up on chairs.

She's so skinny, when you enter a restaurant with her, they ask if you want to check your umbrella.

She's so dumb, she brought lipstick to a make up test.

 

olddots

(10,237 posts)
29. Walpole Mass. circa 1958
Wed Mar 6, 2013, 04:14 AM
Mar 2013

the punch like was ......that's not my belly button---that's not my finger either. Odd what we remember .

Iggo

(48,131 posts)
31. Yeah, but it was racist so I won't give it a bump.
Wed Mar 20, 2013, 11:48 AM
Mar 2013

But my favorite joke from when I was little is:

Q: Guess what?
A: That's what!

Kurovski

(34,657 posts)
32. I was around the age of five...
Sat Mar 23, 2013, 08:13 AM
Mar 2013

Knock, Knock!

Who's there?

Adam.

Adam who?

ATOM BOMB!!!

I also remember a juvenile dirty one about expecting more from standard, and getting it...in the form of a big ding-dong.

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