Humor
Related: About this forumCan you remember the first joke you ever heard?
Last edited Thu Dec 8, 2011, 05:13 PM - Edit history (1)
My older brother told me my first joke when I was four (yikes! Over fifty years ago!)
A prisoner tunnels his way out of jail and into a manhole. He climbs up the manhole, pops the lid, and jumps out into the street. He is so happy, he dances around shouting "I'm free! I'm free!" but a little boy standing on the corner watching says, "So what? I'm four!"
And then he told me this one:
A man jumps out of the window of a high building and crashes to the sidewalk below. A crowd gathers around and a cop pushes and shoves his way through the crowd.
"Alright, alright! What's going on here?"
The man looks up from the sidewalk and says, "I don't know, I just got here."
Bossy Monkey
(15,863 posts)I thought I had made up "Take my wife... please!" Apparently, when you're little, you have difficulty with the difference between the concepts of making up something vs. retrieving something from your memory. Or at least I did.
valerief
(53,235 posts)Why didn't the man have any toes? Because the tow truck took them away.
OR
A woman got on a bus with her little dog named Itchy Bum. While the bus was moving, the dog jumped out the window. The woman yelled, "Oh, my Itchy Bum! Oh, my Itchy Bum!" The driver said to her, "Well, why don't you scratch it?"
Both tres lame. I like your first one.
applegrove
(122,019 posts)dogs and they were named freeshow and seymour and the woman was naked for some reason.
Kurovski
(34,657 posts)forgetting her pegnoir. (That's robe, for you plebians) She ran naked down the boulevard, shouting out her little poodles name "Freeshow! Get my Freeshow!! " ("Freeshow", as we youngsters knew, is French for "anything to imagine adults naked".)
SCantiGOP
(14,136 posts)a woman on a bus, trying to open a bottle of aspirin, had it pop out of her hand and fly out the window. She screams, "My aspirins! My aspirins!" Bus driver yells back, "Well, why don't you stick it out the window lady."
valerief
(53,235 posts)I say as.prin but this joke assumes I say as.burn.
Funny!
ProudProgressiveNow
(6,165 posts)Kurovski
(34,657 posts)I'm easy. i laugh pretty much all day long.
slay
(7,670 posts)Q: What's red and square?
A: A red square.
now to find out if the person is stupid...
Q: What's grey and triangle?
A: A grey triangle.
also
Q: Who's buried in Grant's tomb?
A: Grant.
and
Q: If a plane crashed on the border of North and South Carolina, where would the survivors be buried?
A: You don't bury survivors.
valerief
(53,235 posts)A stick.
nice. and here i was gonna say poo.
valerief
(53,235 posts)nice burn! yeah all the locked threads and extreme enforcement of what can be posted where here on DU3 is a bit much.
hunter
(38,756 posts)A big purple rock eater.
MrMickeysMom
(20,453 posts)A cow fell into a mud puddle!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Sheepshank
(12,504 posts)What did the traffic light say to the car?
~Don't look, I'm changing
What happened to the fly that sat on the toilet seat?
~Some bum pushed him in
Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?
Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Banana
~Banana who?
Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Orange
~Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Knock Knock
~Who's there?
Boo
~Boo who?
Don't cry your momma loves you.
woodsprite
(12,110 posts)Hold one little green ball in one hand, and the other little green ball in your other hand.
That was courtesy of the Immediato Brothers stage show circa 1975, also known as "Three Little Bakers". Fun guys,
ran a family dinner theater here in Pike Creek.
benld74
(9,974 posts)What do you have when you hold one little green ball in one hand, and another green little ball in your other hand?
Kermit the Frog's FULL Attention!
wyldwolf
(43,891 posts)customerserviceguy
(25,183 posts)but they did like Jackie Gleason, and I do remember this one from the very early 60's, when I was about five or six:
A little Irish man goes into a Catholic Church, and gets into a confessional. (Now, back in those days, there were three compartments, one for the priest in the middle, and one for each of two penitents on either side, there were sliding partitions where you couldn't hear more than mumbling from the other side.)
He's waiting a long, long time, and hearing no sounds, says, "Father, Father, are you there??" (Jackie used an Irish brogue for this.)
A voice comes back from the other side: "After he heard what I confessed, he ran to the police!"
I had just learned about what we called "The Sacrament of Confession" in Catholic school, and I knew the priest was supposed to take what he heard there to his grave, so that was pretty damned funny to me. Not sure how mother felt about it, but Dad laughed pretty hard!
faeries
(27 posts)Too bad I can't remember the first joke I've heard. I don't know if it wasn't funny enough or I just have a poor memory.
Response to rationalcalgarian (Original post)
Post removed
MiddleFingerMom
(25,163 posts).
.
.
I was about 7 or so and MiddleFingerMomSis had brought her BF home from college
for Sunday dinner so that he could meet her (our) parents.
.
I don't know how many times I was told by how many people that I had BETTER be
on my best behavior.
.
They all knew much better than to do that. They really did.
.
.
Someone told a "polite" joke. Mildly funny. Chuckles all around.
.
.
It was my moment.
.
"What does Superman say when he flushes the toilet?"
.
My sister turned pale white.
.
"See ya later, Super-poop!!!"
.
My sister started crying for Mom to "do something about him!!!"
.
My Mom was banishing me upstairs to my room.
.
My little brother and Dad were staring at their plates, doing a
not-very-subtle job of desperately trying not to laugh.
.
I and my sister's BF were laughing our asses off... helpless in
the grip of that stupid stupid hilarious formal dinner poop joke.
.
.
Worth it. Worth every no-dessert-bedroom-banishment moment.
.
.
.
Like Steve Martin in "The Jerk"... I had found my special purpose.
.
.
.
mysuzuki2
(3,532 posts)Kurovski
(34,657 posts)Johnny of the Connecticut Fuckerfasters.
DreamGypsy
(2,252 posts)Last edited Thu Dec 6, 2012, 01:34 AM - Edit history (1)
I was probably around 5 or 6, at a visit to the family doctor for some typical childhood problem, accompanied by my mother. Small town, the doctor was a family friend, had a daughter in the same class as my older brother, and my parents occasionally meet the doctor and his wife socially.
I don't remember the context, but near the end of the appointment, the doctor commented to my mother:
Do you know, Ellie, what are the the three stages of aging in men? First they forget names. Then they forget to zip up. Then they forget to zip down.
I don't think I fully understood the joke at the time, but as years have passed I have gained a more complete appreciation.
mykpart
(3,879 posts)"Why did the little moron tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?"
"Because he didn't want to wake the sleeping pills."
(Even at age 5, I thought this was a REALLY stupid joke.)
PoliticalPizza
(54 posts)More like 1 liners...
She's so ugly, when she enters the room, the mice jump up on chairs.
She's so skinny, when you enter a restaurant with her, they ask if you want to check your umbrella.
She's so dumb, she brought lipstick to a make up test.
LaCh6
(1 post)A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says:
"We don't serve food here."
Ha!
applegrove
(122,019 posts)olddots
(10,237 posts)the punch like was ......that's not my belly button---that's not my finger either. Odd what we remember .
dipsydoodle
(42,239 posts)Now updated :
Iggo
(48,131 posts)But my favorite joke from when I was little is:
Q: Guess what?
A: That's what!
Kurovski
(34,657 posts)Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Adam.
Adam who?
ATOM BOMB!!!
I also remember a juvenile dirty one about expecting more from standard, and getting it...in the form of a big ding-dong.