A bit of my writing. I hope it makes at least one person chuckle.

[Jim Riggins]

Voter Fraud in Georgia
By Jim Riggins, The Accidental Conservative

There was voter fraud in the 2018 elections, reader, and I am here to expose it all. How do I know there was voter fraud? I know because I voted as five different personalities in one precinct on the outskirts of Atlanta, and for this, reader, I am sorry.

For my scam, I brought along four costumes to change into after I voted in the previous character. I chose a precinct on the outskirts of Atlanta that looked susceptible to voter fraud and set things into motion. Below are the five characters I used to perpetrate my crime.
Myself: I look like Brad Pitt in Achilles only much more handsome. I voted twenty-one times as myself and got seventeen phone numbers.

Mexican Man: I was a little tall for this character but duped the commie monitors at the precinct. During one summer in high school, my family went to Disney Land then somehow ended up in Tijuana buying inexpensive wares from the locals. One of which, of course, was a sombrero. I dug that bad boy out of my mom’s attic for my ruse. Even after thirty years, the round, black hat still had its shape and most of its sequins.

I wore those boots some Mexican men wear with the pointy toes, dyed my hair black and pasted on a Poncho Villa mustache. To deepen the subterfuge, I donned a colorful poncho, slung a six-shooter on my right hip and carried a bottle of tequila in one hand. I don’t do impersonations or speak Spanish, so I perfected one line and stayed with it the whole time. Whenever a person spoke to me, I answered with, “Wass’up, Holmes?” Finally, I drove up in a low-rider that I borrowed from a friend. I was quite proud of this character and voted ten times since I was there.

Construction Worker: This one took a little preparation, but I found much of what I needed at a second-hand store. But first, I headed back out to the car where I stripped to my skivvies, buzzed off my black hair and removed the Poncho Villa outfit. I found a yellow hard-hat at the second-hand store first. Then I found a pair of faded jeans and a pair of scuffed-up work-boots. A couple weeks before, I ordered a leather tool-belt off Amazon and bought a collection of hammers, screw-drivers and other hand-tools to accessorize it. Once decked out, I returned to the school gymnasium from where I parked out in the deep shadows. As I walked, I shouted, “looking good today, mama,” at all the babes. I used this character to vote fourteen times.

Muslim Woman in a Burka. I’m fairly tall to be a woman, as well, but I carried it off, so I’m pleased with my deception. I chose a Burka with the mesh across my eyes to further hide my identity. Finally, in the best female voice I could muster, I nodded and said “as-Salam Alaikum” a lot. The monitors didn’t know what to do and pointed me to a voting booth before I exploded. I voted fifteen times in this character.

Queen’s Guard: This one also took some preparation as I had to get hold of one of those red jackets, a tall, black, fuzzy hat and learn to stand completely still for several hours at a time, while tourists tell me stupid jokes. Standing motionless when my nose itched took a lot of work. My first inclination was to go as a Jedi Knight because of that mind-control thing. I could convince everybody that I really wasn’t there, but that seemed like cheating. When I commit voter fraud, I like to be honest about it. I voted thirty-two times as this character, which is a personal best going back three decades.