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Tue May 2, 2017, 03:14 PM

i want to thank kurt vonnegut for my continued existence.

i heard him long ago, being interviewed on npr, probably fresh air.
he talked about the impact of his mother's suicide on him and on his family. it was sobering.
at the time i often though that my family would be better off w/o me. he made it clear that if i did what i obsessed about at the time, i would be sending out ripples of unbearable pain that would engulf everyone in my family.

i thought hard about my daughter, who was already struggling w depression, even tho she was only a kid. i knew i would likely be dooming her to the same fate.
as my family grew, my struggle was often almost unbearable. thoughts of razor blades and tubs of hot water, and who would stumble on that scene were anchored by his words.
thoughts of doing "the virginia wolfe", walking into my beloved lake michigan, rocks in my pockets, were anchored by the angst of my disappearance, and the torment that would sink them all, too.

it was a thin thread to hang onto, but hang onto it i did.
i wish my children knew how hard it was, and what i did for them. i stayed there, their crazy, sometimes awful mom, who they often thought could not be worse. but i persisted.
as much as i regret many things i did, i know that the most important thing was the thing i didnt do.

so thank you sir. that ripple of pain was seen on my shores. it was a powerful warning, and a powerful affirmation.
thank you for being you. and for having the bravery to speak your pain.
you saved my life.

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Reply i want to thank kurt vonnegut for my continued existence. (Original post)
mopinko May 2017 OP
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #1
mopinko May 2017 #2
irisblue May 2017 #3
LineLineNew Reply .
mopinko May 2017 #4
steve2470 May 2017 #5
mopinko May 2017 #6

Response to mopinko (Original post)

Tue May 2, 2017, 04:07 PM

1. My dear mopinko...

Yours is a great and valuable message.

But I think that really, you saved your own life.

Kurt Vonnegut gave you the tools that helped you do that.

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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #1)

Tue May 2, 2017, 05:32 PM

2. thanks dear peggy.

i have since found the right a.d. for me. i survived my divorce w/o landing in that place. i feel very strong now.

we all need something to hang onto.

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Response to mopinko (Original post)

Tue May 2, 2017, 07:58 PM

3. We're glad you are here too

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Response to irisblue (Reply #3)

Tue May 2, 2017, 08:11 PM

4. .


to you to honey.

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Response to mopinko (Original post)

Wed May 3, 2017, 10:43 AM

5. I'm glad you're still here

You're a good person, Mo.

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Response to steve2470 (Reply #5)

Wed May 3, 2017, 11:34 AM

6. thx steve.

i could never have foreseen myself at the place i am now from the place i was then. so much more so for the dark i was enveloped in.
those words were a little beam of light.

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