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XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 10:56 AM Feb 2024

Am I wrong/crazy/unreasonable?

Please be frank. Others' input is appreciated. I have TMJ for decades. Finally, my jaw snapped and is out of alignment about 8 mos ago. I searched and found the best rated TMJ specialist locally. The phase 1 splints he constructed have moved my jaw back into position. I may just stay with this.
Cost of dental corrective work 25k. That's a lot. Its very stressful. But, it is what it is.

My greedy sister wanted 25k from me in loans and had been harassing me about doing "something cheaper" for my dislocated jaw. Iow, i should get into 25k hock over her and her kids, and skimp and cheap out on my dental care. My normal cousin thinks that's too expensive. Okay, fine.

Should I have NOT sought out a TMJ specialist even tho i was symptomatic now for TMJ, despite the cost? Wouldn't I seek out a cancer specialist if I had a particular type of cancer, or try something cheaper? I feel its my business how i go forward. Iow, one just wants my money. I'm no contact now. The other thinks I'm being ripped off. I'm sorry i told them

Isn't this my business? I think it is. I'm the one living with this condition. There could be further damage, god knows.
Am i being nuts?

39 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
Am I wrong/crazy/unreasonable? (Original Post) XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 OP
It is more than reasonable to take care of yourself. quaint Feb 2024 #1
She's an entitled narcissistic bitch XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #3
Agree. And if you want to, get a second opinion. If it's also spooky3 Feb 2024 #4
You are not nuts! AKwannabe Feb 2024 #2
Why wouldnt I seek out XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #6
Take care of yourself and your jaw. It is YOUR mouth and health. ms liberty Feb 2024 #5
I think her plan is XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #16
Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Get your jaw fixed. Scrivener7 Feb 2024 #7
I'm done with her XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #14
I have one like that. It was so hard to let go of her, but once I did my life got a lot easier. Scrivener7 Feb 2024 #15
She's a half sister XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #18
Take care of your jaw with a specialist qualified in the field. I do like the idea of a 2nd opinion that another MLAA Feb 2024 #8
After her last abusive text XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #10
Good for you! MLAA Feb 2024 #22
Sounds like she is... Think. Again. Feb 2024 #30
Personally, I wouldn't give her the time of day EYESORE 9001 Feb 2024 #9
Boundaries bucolic_frolic Feb 2024 #11
Take care of yourself! Ocelot II Feb 2024 #12
Exactly. Take care of yourself first. It is nobody else's business. Midnight Writer Feb 2024 #21
you are the only person that knows what it feels like to live in your body 10 Turtle Day Feb 2024 #13
20k loan and 5000k PODS XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #17
You are none of those things. LoisB Feb 2024 #19
My cousin means well XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #20
I am so sorry. I apologize to your cousin. LoisB Feb 2024 #23
Amen nt XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #25
She might mean well but it's still none of her business. Ocelot II Feb 2024 #24
This XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #27
Take Care of You First! Deep State Witch Feb 2024 #26
Wow, what a family problem! PJMcK Feb 2024 #28
I'm not in pain XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #29
Protect your health. Hope22 Feb 2024 #31
Thanks XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #32
Ignore her. ShazzieB Feb 2024 #33
Thank you so much XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #34
you are being the opposite of nuts. mopinko Feb 2024 #35
I'm no contact XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #36
lordy. maybe you shd get an order of protection. mopinko Feb 2024 #37
So far, I'm ok no contact XanaDUer2 Feb 2024 #38
You are certainly not nuts. OldBaldy1701E Feb 2024 #39

quaint

(2,618 posts)
1. It is more than reasonable to take care of yourself.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 10:59 AM
Feb 2024

No guilt! Well, not for you, your sister needs a strong dose of empathy.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
3. She's an entitled narcissistic bitch
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:01 AM
Feb 2024

Her life is a dumpster fire and she's harassing me about my medical care

spooky3

(34,559 posts)
4. Agree. And if you want to, get a second opinion. If it's also
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:01 AM
Feb 2024

Around the same price, then you’ll have confidence you are not getting ripped off.

Judge Judy would tell off your sister.

AKwannabe

(5,694 posts)
2. You are not nuts!
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:00 AM
Feb 2024

Take care of self first so that you can also care for others. Don’t skimp on this especially if loan for sis isn’t health related like your situation.

Take care of self!

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
6. Why wouldnt I seek out
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:08 AM
Feb 2024

A specialist fpr the problem I'm suffering from? I don't understand.

My sister also told me my drs will "bleed me dry" with unneeded medical tests.

ms liberty

(8,640 posts)
5. Take care of yourself and your jaw. It is YOUR mouth and health.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:02 AM
Feb 2024

I'm sorry to put it this way, but your sister will bleed you dry if she can. Don't let her. She wants you to skimp on your own health because it's more money she could suck out of you.

I've been there.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
16. I think her plan is
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:25 AM
Feb 2024

Break me up with my SO whom she hates ( he can be a jerk), move me in with her, then bully me into getting my assets (SS, any pensions). I finally realized she's up to something after basically telling me to fuck off 48 hrs after me not offering to cosign a loan

Scrivener7

(51,102 posts)
7. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Get your jaw fixed.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:10 AM
Feb 2024

And when it is fixed and really limber, tell her how selfish she is.

Scrivener7

(51,102 posts)
15. I have one like that. It was so hard to let go of her, but once I did my life got a lot easier.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:23 AM
Feb 2024

When it's a sibling, often you think - or are raised to think- "well, that's just her."

Only when I had some distance could I see how very cruel and destructive she could be.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
18. She's a half sister
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:36 AM
Feb 2024

Who found me on FB. Didn't even grow up with me. Mother never got a penny from our well off father

MLAA

(17,383 posts)
8. Take care of your jaw with a specialist qualified in the field. I do like the idea of a 2nd opinion that another
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:10 AM
Feb 2024

poster made, then go for it! If you don’t take care of it correctly it will trouble/torture you the rest of your life. My other suggestion is stop talking to your sister about your expenditures, she appears to not have your best interests at heart. Short circuit any discussion she initiates about your expenditures/finances as it is not her business and she doesn’t appear to be a good, trusted confidante/ sounding board. Wishing you all the best, it sounds to me like you know the right thing to do, trust yourself!

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
10. After her last abusive text
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:16 AM
Feb 2024

About my jaw, I've gone no contact. She's been harassing me the last year. I took it bc I'm non confrontational. Btw, she's been caught shoplifting and lied. I suspect she's done other sketchy things. She wanted a 20k loan cosign from me for her adult daughter. I didn't bite

Think. Again.

(9,088 posts)
30. Sounds like she is...
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 01:18 PM
Feb 2024

...someone that will always be trouble for you.

Of course you MUST put your own well-being first, we all must.

It's difficult when we care about others, and we always should, that's a positive thing.

But what it's a negative thing to be enabling others to be lesser people than they could, and should, be.

EYESORE 9001

(26,060 posts)
9. Personally, I wouldn't give her the time of day
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:11 AM
Feb 2024

but that’s just me. Different situations, but I have family members to whom I haven’t spoken in decades (purposely, that is). I am a poor example of model behavior, so pay no mind to my ramblings.

bucolic_frolic

(43,614 posts)
11. Boundaries
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:16 AM
Feb 2024

Strengthen your boundaries. For some reason they think they're entitled to yours. Don't be pushed into something that adversely affects your situation, whatever that is. You are not obligated. Charity begins at home.

Ocelot II

(116,098 posts)
12. Take care of yourself!
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:17 AM
Feb 2024

You might want to get a second opinion to find out if $25K is the normal cost for your procedure (that's up to you), but you owe your sister exactly nothing, and you're entitled to seek whatever treatment you decide is best for you. It's nobody's business but yours.

10 Turtle Day

(95 posts)
13. you are the only person that knows what it feels like to live in your body
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:19 AM
Feb 2024

and no one else can tell you what is or is not worth it to have a malady in your body fixed. Please don't be a martyr and give in to others' demands. If your sister had any empathy whatsoever she would not be strong arming you to give the money to her instead. While it is normal to want to save you from being taken advantage of by an unethical doctor, that does not seem to be her true concern here. I agree with the other posters who encourage you to get a second opinion. And if the cost comes in cheaper, that still doesn't mean that you owe the difference to anyone else.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
17. 20k loan and 5000k PODS
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 11:30 AM
Feb 2024

Equals 25k = dental treatment cost
I mean, what?

Of course I'll have treatment for myself over her.

LoisB

(7,276 posts)
19. You are none of those things.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 12:05 PM
Feb 2024

Go to the best specialist you can find. Oftentimes "going cheap" ends up costing more. Your sister and her kids are not your responsibility beyond what you want to do for them and you should ask your cousin if she would go "cheap" if it was her.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
20. My cousin means well
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 12:13 PM
Feb 2024

I should have kept this to myself, she says her jaw pops, and her dentist "adjusts something" for free. I try to explain my jaw joint is displaced. Its DISPLACED. my sister wanted me to go cheap and use a pillow. How will a pillow fit my jaw back in right? I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole

Ocelot II

(116,098 posts)
24. She might mean well but it's still none of her business.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 12:59 PM
Feb 2024

Her jaw problem isn't the same as yours. "It works for me" isn't the correct answer. Tell her politely and kindly to MYOB.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
27. This
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 01:09 PM
Feb 2024

My sister, who lies a lot, told me she wasted 50k on a dentist and her teeth are nubs. She claims from GERD. looked like meth mouth to me. Shes still per her seeing a dentist. An incompetent one? What does this have to do with me? Shes yelling that shed have 50k if not for her teeth. This is why I should go cheap

PJMcK

(22,102 posts)
28. Wow, what a family problem!
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 01:14 PM
Feb 2024

The important thing is to take care of yourself FIRST. You can’t do anything for others if you’re not whole. Please consider putting your well-being ahead of other issues. After all, if you’re not strong you won’t be able to live a full life.

My sister had TMJ for years. Because it had gone on so long, she didn’t know one isn’t supposed to live in constant discomfort. After she recovered from the surgery, her joyous and kind personality re-emerged and she’s living a happier, more productive life.

One last thought, if I may. It’s your money. Spend it however YOU want. Just my 2- cents!

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
29. I'm not in pain
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 01:18 PM
Feb 2024

The dental work is restorative to hold my jaw in place. This specialist ran reams of every diagnostic and showed me the results. Bad orthodonture and mouthguards caused this. Why would I think my board-certified dentist conspire to steal from me? I said that. Nope, not good enough.

Hope22

(1,916 posts)
31. Protect your health.
Wed Feb 7, 2024, 01:19 PM
Feb 2024

A functioning jaw is a necessity. The older we get the more important these things are. Pain will take years off our lives. Take care of yourself. 💗💗🙏🏼💐

ShazzieB

(16,712 posts)
33. Ignore her.
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 02:24 AM
Feb 2024

Your dental care and what you spend on it are none of her damned business. She's just pissed off because she can't get the money out of you that she wants - money that she has absolutely no right to demand from you.

If she is used to being able to get you to do what she wants, she needs to learn to stop expecting that. It may take some time, and the process may not be pleasant (sorry! ), but I think that's what needs to happen.

If she tries to keep bringing this up (i.e. the cost of your dental care, her financial situation and desire to get money from you, etc.), shut her down by saying, "I've said everything I have to say about this, and I'm not going to discuss it any further." If she tries to persist, end the interaction. If this is happening during a phone call, hang up. If it's face to face, leave. If it's in a text, don't reply.

You do NOT owe it to her to take care of her financial problems. She hs NO right to expect that from you. Please don't waste your breath arguing with her or trying to get her to see things your way, because you will never succeed. All you can do is make it clear that you are not going to discuss this any further, and then cut off the interaction if she doesn't stop when you tell her you're done.

I'm sure she won't like it at all, but that's OKAY. Any time you try to draw a new boundary with someone, they are likely to object. Don't be afraid to upset her. SHE is in the wrong, and frankly, I think she deserves to be upset.

Sometimes we are reluctant to stand up for ourselves because we don't want to upset people, but when someone is being as unreasonable as your sister is being, you have the right to do what you need to do (end the conversation). If she gets upset, that is HER problem, not yours. Please don't let her make it your problem. If she tries to make it your problem, say "I told you you I'm done talking about this," and immediately hang up, leave, etc.

Sometimes people eventually learn to stop certain behavior if they see that its not going to get them anywhere, but sometimes they don't. I don't know her, so I can't predict whether she will ever learn to accept this boundary from you or not. If she's used to a certain kind of reaction from you, it can take a while for her to get used to it when her tactics don't get the response she's used to. This is still worth doing. If she refuses to stop begging you for money, criticizing how you use your money, trying to make you feel guilty for not giving her what she wants, etc., you have every right to cut off contact with her.

The main things to remember are as follows:

1. You don't owe her a dime of your money.
2. You have the right to spend YOUR money as YOU see fit, whether it's on health care or something totally frivolous.
3. You don't owe her an apology or an explanation for what you do with YOUR money.
4. You have the right to say NO to her and to refuse to be drawn into any more arguments about this.
5. If she doesn't like it when you refuse to give her money, that's HER problem. Let her be upset, and remind yourself that it's NOT your fault.
6. If she tries to guilt you into doing what she wants, don't let her. I know this may be easier said than done, but please hear me when I say this: you have NOTHING to feel guilty about, and she has NO right to try to make your feel guilty, NONE whatsoever.

I hope some of this is helpful to you. Sorry I got so long-winded. I apologize for any excessive repetition. Good luck with this, and with your TMJ treatment!

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
34. Thank you so much
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 08:39 AM
Feb 2024

Her last text to me was her usual dismissive I'M DONE! and that she spent 50k on bad dentistry, and I should have done something cheaper. That she'll never mention it again. I went no contact then. Been about three weeks. She didn't contact me about medical results i was worried about, and i didn't reach out. Did i mention she's a disaster? Can't afford her florida taxes, insurance, car was repoed and she just declared bankruptcy. She fights with her adult daughter who tells her stfu. I think they're was violence.

mopinko

(70,426 posts)
35. you are being the opposite of nuts.
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 01:08 PM
Feb 2024

is it possible to cut her off altogether? is this 1 of those intertwined messes? or can u actually just shove her out the airlock?

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
36. I'm no contact
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 01:23 PM
Feb 2024

I was trying to maintain a good relationship with her. I thought she'd be a support, but I overshared relationship info, and she's been harping on it. I think her plan was to get me move in with her to get her hands on my assets. She's a shoplifter, just to paint a tiny pictorial of her personality.

OTT, she crticizes every aspect of my life. I'm ashamed of what I've allowed. The TMJ thing was the final straw. Her life is a dumpster fire, btw. This is not some well-educated, put together, sucessful person here. She got a judgement against her for not paying tuition. That kind of mentality. Entitled. Criminal/sociopathic. I could see her taking out an insurance policy on my life.

This realization has just hit me full force.

mopinko

(70,426 posts)
37. lordy. maybe you shd get an order of protection.
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 01:29 PM
Feb 2024

makes me grateful that i have little contact w my fam.

XanaDUer2

(10,949 posts)
38. So far, I'm ok no contact
Thu Feb 8, 2024, 01:32 PM
Feb 2024

She liked a few things on fb Im ignoring. Next step is blocking. My fault for saying too much and allowing it to escalate wo standing up for my boundaries. Were half sisters didn't grow up together.

But I'm learning to keep my mouth shut

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