I'm agitated today

[irisblue]

and I understand the why of part of it. Just for Todays' meditation is 'We want to be free of our guilt, but we don't wish to do so at the expense of anyone else(basic text p40) Just for today I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk to my sponsor. (Who is unavailable for awhile cuz of her biofamily stuff)
In my not a quite a 12 step recovery group at the community mental health center today there is a new to the group woman , and as I think more, she must be in the very early days. The facilitators had us write down 2 fears and if we wanted to, we could talk about why those were fears were there, we didn't have to, but if we wanted to we could and if we chose and ONLY if we chose we could seek experience strength and hope of our sisters & brothers. Her fear was that her addictions caused her S.O.s cancer, and she asked for E,S,H from us.
This room is very diverse, some of the family live at faith mission, some family live in a monied hoity toity area, some family in more modest houses and apartments. Our oldest sister is 70, some of my brothers &sisters are vets with missing body & psychic parts, some of us pass for 'normal' most days, the youngest looked to be early 20s. Can you tell I love them? A few shared that her fear was not abnormal.....when it got to me....ummm " Do you control his mitochondria? Did you set up his gemones? Sometimes bad shit happens to those we love, and it has nothing to our addictions. It is their luck of their draw. If you use from your fear that you 'caused' the cancer, you need to think and talk it out, cause you are not The Most High and do not control everything." Yeah, not ms sunshine and honey warmth today.
I read the mediation just before the group started today, I posted the mediation from Just For Today, last year this day my dearly loved, but former SO had our one and only joint session at my therapist; I honestly had forgotten the date. I had written at the bottom of the mediation about how painful that it was. I didn't use any artificial soothers that day I noted.
Tonight, I have walked the dog, putzed with house work, reread todays mediation again, reread the section in Living Clean (p152-156) about Amends and Reconcilations . from p154 ..."sometimes it means that we make peace with the fact the connection with that person is lost.....We do what we can to amend the harm we have done....and we let go of the results."
Since I written this out I think I need to apologize to her next week, and to quote the poster...."let go or be dragged".
Family, I need your ESH. This is too twisty for me.

[TygrBright]

1. "Be still, and know that you are Not God."

Some days that's all we get.

Here's another one: "It's remarkable how many Big Deals melt away to little or nothing when you're concentrating on something else."

And finally: "When you're feeling not-sane, that's when it's most important to 'act as if' sane."

The thing about amends and reconciliations I've discovered is that they rarely work as well if they're rushed or forced. If I pay attention, the opportunity offers. THAT'S when it works well.

You will do just fine. You will.

We're not responsible for the quality of the result. Just the quality of the effort. It sounds like you are making a quality effort: Thinking about the what and why the amends/reconciliation are indicated, being prepared to let go as needed.

Now, having made the quality preparation, put it aside and move on to the next thing. It will be ready when the opportunity comes.

And the next thing, whatever it is, whether making a healthy meal for yourself, talking to a friend, doing something creative, whatever-- is worthy of your best attention and effort, too.

attentively,
Bright

[NMDemDist2]

2. being agitated during the 9th step is normal

all the other stuff is just your mind let things out sideways

breath and keep working, don't try to understand much at this point, it's the action that will bring relief

as for next week, ask her if you hurt her, tell her that was the last thing you wanted and is there anything you can do to make it right.

you may be surprised to find what you said may have brought her some comfort, but you won't know til you ask