Sister's Graduation

[knowledgeispwr]

My younger sister is graduating from her master's program in a couple of weeks. I am proud of her, but I am torn about attending her graduation.

Why?

She has made it clear that my partner of more than three years is not welcome. He is not part of her family and she has made no effort to meet him, much less get to know him. Our relationship has been strained and we are not particularly close.

Do I attend the graduation for the sake of 'family support' or do I not go to take a stand?

[Fearless]

1. I've been in similar issues, except I was the one graduating.

Also from a masters program incidentally.

My problem is that my biological family didn't want to meet my boyfriend or his. What I ended up doing is having my long term boyfriend's family and my biological family sit apart and not talk to each other. I felt that both had the right to be there. I wanted them to get together, but my parents refused. His did not refuse and actually wanted it. (A very embarrassing situation to be in to recognize that they're better people than my own biological family, I'll tell you!) At any rate, I was mad because I wanted them to all get along and hoped that the graduation would be as good a time as any to break the ever frosty ice... They have never met each other and mine don't want to. So, because I couldn't get my way on my graduation day, I chose to spend the entirety of my day with my boyfriend's family... who drove three hours to get there (!!!) for me and told my family if they didn't want to suck it up then they wouldn't see me for the rest of the day. And... they didn't see me for the rest of the day, and most importantly I was happy.

------------------------------

In your case... I'd talk it over with your partner and get their input to before making a decision. On one hand you don't want to make them think that they're being alienated if you go... and on the other hand you don't want them to feel bad because you didn't go because of them.

If it were me, I'd say go with your partner and sit apart from the rest of your family if necessary. If trouble starts, both of you excuse yourselves and leave. IMHO of course. I don't know your sister or how she acts, so it's hard to say what's best. Just use your best judgement and talk to your partner about it.

[knowledgeispwr]

3. I have spoken with my partner...

and he said he probably wouldn't go in my shoes, but admits it's hard for him to understand because his family dynamic is different. His immediate family is very open and accepting and I have been to several family functions with his family.

If I/we do decide to go, it'll be about a four hour drive each way.

My sister also feels, from the last time I talked to her about it months ago, that it's her day (it IS her graduation) and as such, I would be taking over her day if I brought my partner.

[WillParkinson]

8. So, wait...

If you were in a 'normal male-female' relationship, would you be expected to leave your female friend at home? I think that's your answer right there. Regardless if it's 'her' day, your partner is part of 'her' life, too. If she refuses to accept that, well, sucks to be her.

I fail to see how you would be taking over 'her' day. Would you and your partner perform a circus act? Would you get up on stage and start screaming at the audience? What if the roles were reversed? What if you or your partner had a special event going on and you invited her but not her partner (if she has one)? Would she consider that fair?

I say you make apologies and say flat out. He's part of my life and I refuse to leave him at home to make you more comfortable.

[William769]

2. Many have been in this position, I myself included.

We all have to deal with it in our own way.

The way I dealt with it was this to my family, you accept me for who I am (unconditional love) also my partner as we accept you, we will accept nothing less. It took years for my brothers to come around, my sisters never have.

This is something you have to follow your heart on, only you know the true dynamics of your family.

If you follow your heart, you cannot go wrong.

Bill

[DURHAM D]

4. I have been in your position.

I just took my partner with no comment. The funny thing was that the next generation of my family was totally cool with us. Then the generation older than mine joined in.

Once my own generation saw us talking and having fun with their children they were jealous. They wanted to be a part of it. The barriers came down.

Let the children lead.

[Smarmie Doofus]

5. Tough call. But I say "don't go".

If she's smart enough to get a master's she's smart enough to figure out why you're not there.

EZ for me to say. Do what ya gotta do. This stuff gets complicated.

[HillWilliam]

6. I've made it clear

that wherever my partner isn't welcome, I understand that I'm not welcome either. The choice is theirs and I understand. I live moment by moment with my love. I see those people sometimes. Neither of us would put the other in a situation where one isn't welcome.

Those who don't put a bean in my soup, put a dime to my mortgage, or a thread on my back have nothing to say about how and with whom I live.

[beyurslf]

7. I would say don't go, but my family is very open and accepting so maybe

it is easy for me to say that since i would never have to make that choice. Do what you think is best for you.

[ropi]

9. Listen to your partner

I would send her a congratulations card to celebrate her graduation. If your partner is saying to you that he would not go, but he understands then I believe he's actually telling you not to attend. Given that he understands and that your sister has more or less made it clear that it is -HER- day, she can celebrate it without you and your partner. How can you attend for family support when she does not support you?

[knowledgeispwr]

10. Thank you all for your perspectives.

My inclination has been not to go, and your replies have strengthened that inclination. Now I just need to decide how I will communicate this to her.

The last time I met her in person, last December over a lunch, when I broached the subject of my partner and about her meeting him and getting to know him, she made it clear she wasn't interested. She added that I was trying to "force him" on her and said I wasn't being grateful to my parents and family by choosing to spend Christmas with my partner's very welcoming family. She then got up and left. Later that day we exchanged messages online that weren't any better. We went a long time without talking and months later we exchanged a few cordial emails that completed dodged the issue.

Needless to say, we are distant and our relationship is very strained. I wrote a brief draft email to her, which I showed to my partner. He thought it was fine, but told me to prepare for consequences. He then added that, of course, things are already not good, so it may not make much of a difference. Here is the unsent draft:

Dear {sister},

I have decided not to attend your graduation. It's not because I am not proud of you; I am. It's not because I don't recognize the hard work you've put in to achieve this degree; I do. This is a milestone for you. However, I regretfully cannot attend in good conscious when you've made it clear that Robbie is not welcome. He is a part of the family now and very important to me. I will not go by myself and pretend he does not exist in order to not hurt your sensibilities. If you care about our relationship, you'll move past this roadblock and make an effort to get to know him. In any case, I do love you and care about you.

[Sentath]

11. I might not sent that much info.

Also? Fewer 'I's, they mark you as defensive and self-conscious.

Maybe something like: "Congratulations on this wonderful milestone in your life. May it bring you the future success you have proven yourself capable of with this achievement. We have decided not to attend your graduation. The card should reach you in plenty of time. With love & pride, knowledgeispwr."

[ropi]

12. I agree here with Sentath

Fewer "I's' would help.

I would not worry about consequences. They're not going to be as dire as one can predict. If your family becomes upset you don't have to further the explanation. A simple, "I explained it all in the card" is all you have to say. Some family members are always prone to high dramatics and like to call down every witness for a 'slight' in order to rally the troops and gather factions. The more calm, reserved, and kind you are- the better it becomes because then they begin to see (I am crossing my fingers here) that they are not being kind to you, your partner, and your decisions.

It is difficult at times, but I'd rather be surrounded by a few select people who love me than be uncomfortable in a room of family members who are silently judging me over their personal issues.

[knowledgeispwr]

13. Thank you both ropi and Sentath for the feedback.

I will cut it back and reword it. I was attempting to explain in that email, but I suppose I could explain further to my sister later on if she questions.