Coming Home
I wrote this to a friend of mine in an e-mail earlier today:
I've been feeling like I've come full circle in my head, lately. Like I've been on this big round trip that's lasted 25 years and I'm just now coming home again. I've dreamed of my mother and step-father three times recently. I was actually missing my mother recently and I never thought that would happen again. I was sitting here watching TV with my wife recently. I never watch fictional TV shows, haven't in a very long time possibly back to being 20 years old, but there I was watching her shows with her and I just felt at home.
Maybe this is another starting point for a different journey...a journey of the mind, of course. But I think I'm going to stay here for a little while and just be at home in my head. I wish I could go back to when I was 19 and do things differently. I wish I had been wiser back then. Maybe that's the message now. I can start a spiritual journey anew and this time from a much wiser vantage point.
I have been through hell in my life from the beginning until I was about 30 years old. I'm 44 now. The last 14 years have been like slowly surfacing from the depths. I've broken the surface in the last few years and I can breathe easy again. I'm here now in the reality that most people experience. I'm also here to tell you that there is so much more to our existence. Much more than the vast majority ever realize, at least in this lifetime in America. We have within us hell. Logically speaking, that would mean that we also have within us states of heaven. I think I've tasted that in this lifetime, but only for very brief moments. I get a glimpse...I get a brief look...and then the door closes. But mostly it's been hell, and lately I suppose purgatory.
At least I can rest easy now. I'm just driving my truck and doing my thing. A good lesson all of this has taught me is that you never know what other people are going through unless they explicitly tell you. No matter what is happening on the outside, you don't really know what is happening beyond the physical realm. I'm confident that I've run across fellow truckers who are spiritually enlightened. On the inside they are every bit as brilliant as Jesus or Buddha or Krishna or Mohamed. It goes the same for teachers, janitors, baseball players, mechanics, politicians, steel workers, waiters, actors, and business people. They're all right here waiting for the rest of us to catch up.
I look like a hobo. Most people would take one look at me and probably assume I'd be lucky to put a coherent sentence together let alone write paragraphs in depth and clarity. A good rule is to be kind to everyone you meet. You never know when it might pay off in a big way, and beyond that, in a spiritual sense, it's just the best thing to do for everyone.
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It's great to see you feeling this way.
Self-awareness is not easy to come by, and most people don't even try. They have their reasons, of course. Most of them are working too hard to stay afloat to give a moment's thought to what lies inside them.
But you wanted so much more. And that wanting has lead you here.
Welcome home!
Yeppers, Tobin.
It ain't just a 'good' rule.
It's the Golden one.
All is well here.
Miz t. is in the kitchen, as we speak, whipping up yet another culinary delight.
Parmesan encrusted chicken over linguini Alfredo with roasted broccoli I believe.
I am a lucky man.
She likes to cook, and is very good at it.
And I like to eat.
A marriage truly made in heaven.
48 years next Wednesday.
If you are going to make progress on the inside, you have to realize that acquiring stuff is not going to get you anywhere in that regard. It's nice to have material possessions. It's nice to attain worldly goals. But when it comes to the way you see the world and when it comes to your heart, you have to look inside.
I became clinically mentally ill when I was 20 and suffered in that hell until I was 30. It's my own special kind of hell, I guess. If anything good came of that it is that I hope it was preparation for something much better later in life. It also taught me how to be introspective.
